Saturday, 30 December 2006

To start Ajebo no be problem....(Pidgin)

My 9ja people them say "to start ajebo no be problem, na to maintain am be the issue." You fit? I been no know the wahala wey dey involved to friend oyinbo man (abi na boy i go call am). Since i begin friend oyinbo i neva see the kind thing wey i see this year. One small boy wey i been dey friend this year nearly put me for wahala, infact na gbese i dey na. To friend oyinbo no easy...if we dey go party we go carry drink sef go carry wetin i go drink. If we go out me go pay my own too... the one wey shock me na one day wey we dey go bbq for him friend house. I buy my own MEAT carry go. Wetin person dey see for london.
So, my question na be say, what if we dey go owanbe, na so i go cook rice with amala carry go?

This kind life i no sure say i fit maintain because no be so dem take train us, my friends don laugh me tire. At least 9ja man know e duty, e know say "soup wey sweet na money kill am", at least he go still assist you to do fine hair. When i been dey friend one oyinbo na every 2 weeks i dey change my hair (after he go go display me for im yeye friends). I no sure say i fit dey change hair and dress everyday. As we dey enter this year so, i don renounce my ajebo lifestyle, now na full kpako i be.

I don tire to chop steak, foie gras, chateaubriand and drink na amala, fufu, lafun, shaki, abodi, roundabout with ewedu i wan chop then I go wash am down with palmwine.


Wednesday, 27 December 2006

The Aftermath (Blunder at Work)!!!

What have i done to myself?.......Half my head is f****d and the other half is S**t!!! I stumbled into work early.... drank a pint of coffee but that just worsened my condition. Nausea, fever, headaches...I felt like i was going to vomit.

I sat down at my desk with no clue on how to get myself out of the mess (the hangover).... i was talking to Cruela and slurring..and talking incoherently. Not a good day to talk on the phone... since i started this job, i get to talk to clients and candidates on the phone a lot... so i tend to feign this British accent [A phony sales rep with half baked phonetics]. As i have come to realise today Edo accents die hard.... twisting and rolling my tongue didn't help matters throat was dry... my true accent came out. You cant beat a thick strong African accent, not with this hangover. I have played my role to the hilt, and after today I have made up my mind about my career path, as this could be detrimental for business so I should be seen and not heard. Period!

"Are you OK?", Cruela asked....."I am unwell", i replied...then go home, she said. I knew better than to argue.

I agree, i went over the edge...but its the holiday season!!!


Christmas Timeline!

I was invited for a tea-party by my 3 year old niece (Attended by she and I). The mistake i made was buying her a tea set 2 years i get to drink at least 15 cups of imaginary tea and eat 8 invisible scones and 5 blueberry muffins. The party lasted 50 mins and by then hunger had dealt with the better part of me, considering that half the time we did the horse ride (on my ageing back). I had to leave amidst tears reassuring her that i will return for the second episode. I had to meet up my pals at central London for a proper party that didn't include anything imaginary or invisible!

Spent half the day shopping for MYSELF!

"M" (my literary inspiration) and I met the girls up at Camden to shop, didn't find what i needed so decided to give it a miss....armed with mulled wine in the blistering cold we checked all stalls but didn't find any lenghals. Off with "M" to eat Thai.....after guzzling a bottle of red and lots of tasty dishes i cant even pronounce we set off to Hampstead for more cocktails. I drank so much that i could feel my head doing the 360 degrees like a boris in a car engine (whatever that is). We got home and got another bottle of chardonnay [I was drinking for Nigeria and he was drinking for Ireland/United States/England]. We ate some more and passed out..

Spent half the day with "M" recovering, drinking vanilla flavoured coffee and laughing my head off. The other half I made pheasant stuffed with Mandarin and Cranberry, pork and chestnut stuffing, lots gravy and roast potatoes with broccoli florets. I washed it down with some port and cider...hmmm. OK everything was pre-packed, i just put it in the oven after it was done, I ATE...but I cook well. After food my brother picked me up and I found myself at a 5 year old party doing the Cha Cha with a Styrofoam plate on my head!..
I ate, drank, ate, drank, laughed and laughed till i was in tears.
Looking back, this is the 2nd Christmas i spent with my brother and the 1st i have spent with his family in my entire life. I am glad i did.

Woke up at midday, i felt sick....i still dragged myself out of bed to see my pals to discuss events for our Saturday party. Got there and guzzled a bottle of wine, got home and continued with port & cider, I felt this banging headache. I slept at 9pm.

What have i done to myself?...headache and earache...hangover..i feel like there is a spatula inside my head...i am off to work in a few hours...... To Be Continued..

Friday, 22 December 2006

Atheist, Agnostic or Christians at Christmas....

In recent times i have met self-proclaimed Atheists and Agnostics in the last 4 years. A lot of people use these terms to describe their faith or lack-of-faith as it appears to be. Being a christian it puzzles me that people disbelieve or doubt the existence of a supreme being or Supernatural Intelligence as it is. I met someone sometime ago who claimed he was an atheist, after careful observation this individual came across as an agnostic...apparently the person changes his stance on religion whenever it seems appropriate.

The first self proclaimed atheist i met is actually at the forefront of the christmas celebrations. Getting the turkey, stuffing, pine tree as well as buying the christmas pudding a month early. Infact i only recently named him the "Christmas Aficionado".

"The annual festival of the Christian church commemorating the birth of Jesus: celebrated on December 25 and now generally observed as a legal holiday and an occasion for exchanging gifts"
(Excerpts from my exceptionally accurate dictionary)

For me Christmas is celebrating the birth of Jesus as well as realising his true significance...Alas, it is not so anymore. In recent times (what it now appears to be), people assume you are cool when you are atheist or agnostic, well fair enough. If you assume a certain stance then stick to it. If you are a non-christian celebrating Christmas is like biting a meat which you are forbidden to eat.

My bible says "My people perish for lack of knowledge"

My dear Atheists and Agnostics think about it.

Sunday, 17 December 2006

Fun in the City*

Its been a really busy weekend... after my weekend long escapades I am just sitting and blogging on the new piece of furniture I ever reliable beanbag, awful color but still reliable.

I didn't want to be part of the Friday night hustle and bustle so i decided to have a quiet night in -with my fiery tongued 'M'...armed with 2 bottles of wine and our tummies full of extra salty gammon steak and horrible tasting potato waffles the night begun...sorry to disappoint you folks it was uneventful...after a couple of glasses of Bordeaux i passed out like a rhino, sprawled out on my uncomfortable bed. I have just been named by 'M' (my literary inspiration) the "1 glass wonder".

Saturday arrived slowly..the adrenaline rush was pumping..getting excited about the party... took my time to dress up...i finished off with my stylish Von Trapp type Jacket and my 60s belt topped up with a lot of confidence and set off to central London...I arrived first at the party then Mui followed and it began...Dino nearly cracked my ribs up with humour. I was counsellor for the night (It appeared to be) The girls talked about exes repudiating them and sex toys all night long..crikey*. Apparently, some thought i was a sex-toy consultant or a broken heart specialist. I was in control...after 3 hours of socialising/mingling/cracking people up and a few cocktails i set off home for another day of fun.

Sunday, me and my mates met up at the Skating rink...after 6 hefty falls and a speeding lunatic bumping into me and twisting my left hip in the process...I finally accepted that i am not a true skater after all...we proceeded to lunch at Greenwich village...then jumped into the Catamaran and went on a tour round the Thames...the night ended with filling our already stuffed stomachs with sushi and sake.

I understand i have to put up with a certain Cruela De Ville tomorrow at work.... well after this weekend I am sure i have enough courage to handle the pussy.

Friday, 15 December 2006


I didnt realise London could be interesting during the yuletide... the chances of realising are very slim when you've lived in SE18 and SE28 with no social expectations and being overweight for about 2 years (no chance my love). I didnt understand a sodding thing about enjoying the yuletide (hence jetting off to Nigeria every December). I am sociable to a certain extent but i lacked the savoir faire to make things happen without family and friends back home.

Well...its not so anymore. I am hell bent on having the best this season...plans are in full swing..with a new postcode NW4 , new weight and being a pathetic social climber things are moving in full gear/trottle. Loads of activities to look forward to endless skating, theatre, food, wine, boat trips and an informal soiree on new year's eve that's guaranteed to be a blast...Chei, look what this village girl has turned into.

With an insatiable appetite for cocktails and canapes events start this space!!!

Friday, 1 December 2006


I cant rememember when this problem started but I guess its something I am used fact I am so comfortable with it and always willing to talk about it anytime the situation arises.

I asked my ex partner what he thought about my snoring and he said, I quote "Not too bad hon, but you sound like a thousand parrots simultaneously circumsized with a blunt razor blade" "A 3000 megatone bomb amplified" and "a mid-plane crash". I was just a tiny size 10........

Other friends described my snoring as "a broken down train", "a rumbling volcano"," a broken down boiler". My current 'squeeze' just awarded me the "snoring beauty" title. I couldnt be bothered...I didnt give a rat arse.

But in recent times it has started to bother me...why? (considering that i hardly care what anyone thinks). The issue is that my people, I have snored so much that I have started waking myself from sleep...before you start reeling in laughter....I also snore before i fall asleep these eyes are open and I am snoring...or grunting as my pal put it.

Well, the last resort would be surgery...but for me its not an option....

I remember going to see visit my brother and his family for the weekend....and my neice asked is "aunty spending the night?". She had to sleep in the living room so she could get her homework done in peace and quiet.

I have tried clenching my teeth when i sleep; sleeping on my side; sleeping with my chest down; breathing exercises; nasal strips(in fact the nasal strips are a NO NO for me, it actually changes the tempo of my snoring, its usually 2 tempos if i remember correctly but with the strips it could be on 7); i have also tried some expensive sprays,it just makes my body vibrate with each snore.

I am a comfortable snorer, i accept it.... by having a laugh and talking about it, eventually I will outgrow it(I hope)..Its not easy when friends dread spending the night over at your place for fear of premature insomnia...for now I am very comfortable in my snoring skin.


Moment of truth for Nigerians!!!

About 4 weeks ago I was socializing with some unintelligent Nigerians.... the conversation ensued " All our past leaders need to be set ablaze, killed and disgraced for stealing Nigeria's money"and I asked the old wanker..."Do you pay tax?"...he was oblivious of the tax system...I just said well let the tax payer worry about Nigeria's situation.

The main issue here is without a shadow of a doubt Nigerians are at the shallow end of the dream pool. Nigerians are not willing to have their opinions influenced..i am afraid every bloody Nigerian still deserves to live in the dark age... We do not embrace change...all we see is wealth and do not see the knowledge that precedes that wealth; what education buys an individual is unparallelled in a f**king third world country. We do not integrate as a nation and we do not embrace other cultures home or abroad....without a sense of unification there wont be a point of this issue arising.

Its convenient to blame, Obasanjo, Abacha, Babangida and Awolowo...but what are we doing to turn that around? I have come to the conclusion that even with the ever growing oil wealth of the nation, is likely to be a solution to Nigeria's problems. Poverty is rife (do not blame past leaders), infrastructure dilapidated(these are caused by careless and dirty citizens of Nigeria not government), government services are non-existent( you are not forced to were wooed with cheap wads of Naira notes). There are several conflicts that must be confronted....why do the local militias attack facilities in the Niger Delta; the christian and Muslim religious divide and bitter ethnic rivalries- how has this been caused by Awolowo? Or is it Nnamdi Azikiwe that instructed the policeman at Mararaba junction to take bribe?.

Before you throw stones at me...I am well aware that corruption stems from the top....but we all support it in one way or the least we are on the level of 5Th most corrupt countries in the world...along with Pakistan and some others...yeeee...we are doing great.

The average coconut/donut brain wants to go into politics (ha ha ha ha...I laugh in my local dialect)..when you ask them what their views and long term goals are they are in a terrible fix...they don't even know details of their constituency.
My argument here is that we are not ripe for democracy..fine, democracy is the way forward but Nigeria's problems have quadrupled since we had civilian governors who travel in a convoy of at least 37 cars...even their PA have escorts as well...and we voted them in...they used us to rig the votes (take note "us" the masses)...they use us in any way imaginable...the rich wont go far if the masses don't support them... in fact we are all guilty of it all.

I may be perceived to be unpatriotic but look at our counterparts, India, China and see what they have attained.....having said that its time for us to be empowered..i feel (as an individual) that we should be more knowledgeable in particular with the idea of legal rights- will be crucial for reducing poverty and corruption.

To abolish the stigma "slave to wealth" we need to sit up and embrace CHANGE!!!

Sushi....Sou omoi-masen (I dont think so)!

I have been dating this guy recently...he seems alright...but he thinks he just crawled from under a rock...first things first....he is nice....

It was just a disastrous first date...we went to this sushi bar near my was my idea and the poor dude came from windsor.... the conversation was great....but I put too much wasabi in my plate and i could feel a volcano of fire erupting from my nostrils...and i had to constantly sneeze and mutter incoherent words...thank God i wasnt caked up...(na so my enemy for dey sweat profusely with brown powder/sweat trickling down her acne prone face). After the almost fatal dinner....I was faced with yet another hurdle..

The moment of truth; the first kiss.....fear gripped all viens/arteries and my poor soul. The sensible guy had some vegeterian maki this warrake girl, I had vegetarian maki rolls as well as salmon/tuna me chop raw fish pass.

Now tell me, what would be the outcome snoging a woman whose mouth probably tastes like a fishmonger's apron...or better still his chopping board?..Well i started to gasp for water like the fish i just guts were dried out,....and i turned pink in embarassment. I scuttled away...

With all my tantrums i knew i had made an impression (without a shadow of a doubt)...he asked for a second date. I said yes...on the condition we eat before we meet up.

Not everyone gets a second sushi with your mates or you long term partner not on a first date. period!
To be forewarned is to be forearmed!!!

Slow dating

I feel like i have been struck by lightening...this week has been very eventful and interesting. I am by no means using the web log as a diary (tatafos/amebos/gbeborun take note). I am just sharing some new experiences and thoughts.

I was due to meet up Mui at a bar yesterday and i decided to kill 2 stones with one bird or is it kill 2 birds with one stone....I wanted to speed we proceeded to the venue and had our dinner and drinks... as i walked to the enquiry desk to find out what was happenening with the event..the hostess just said abruptly..ITS BEEN CANCELLED!!!...there we were, Mui and I looking gobsmacked....I was caked up to would think I was there for my shot gun wedding with the layers of pancake on my almost wrinkled face...MAC would probably ban me from using their product if they saw the way I abused it. To make matters worse, I was wearing my glasses that made me look like a Principal at Comprehensive Grammer School, Ilesamanja...Thank heavens for once i didnt dress (gaj) for the Auchi community, I was dressed in a and a sweat top...nice though.

Back to the event, I was misinformed...I was told there will be 22 guys and 20 hopes were higher than the mountain Kilimanjaro. But suffice to say I saw about a thrillion girls dressed to kill the poor handful of men that arrived...ok, in all honesty i saw about 2 men...arrive to speed date.
Across the bar at the other end, I saw the puzzled look on faces of couples dining/wining. Well...too embarassed and pink-faced Clare suggested we just go ahead and have i went to the bar upstairs, I was dazed by the stares of men RTH white guys...oh boy the stares was piercing through my black skin.... (e easy? Black chikala!)...but i was too gutted about the event. So Mui and I proceeded to my fav bar TigerTiger and my coffee shop at leicester sqr.
I stood some guy up because the event was supposed to be more important....but i guess it wasnt. So Mui and i had a laugh.
Good fun.....

Moral of the story....a bird in hand is worth 22 at leicester sqr