Saturday, 27 January 2007

Slow date Outcome

It would interest you to know the outcome of the Speed date. I was ticked by 5 guys even though i reiterated that i was a seasonal dater...well not bad out of 11 that registered their ticks. This is my own verdict on the "hopefuls".

Guy 1: The fittest South African guy at the event, who "every" girl ticked except me. Why? An epitome of a Don Juan- I can smell a philander miles away. With such looks you can pick up birds anywhere and not result to extreme measures like speed dating. UNCHECK
Guy 2: The drunken guy, who habitually forgot his drink on every girl's table.... and constantly checking me out while he was "dating" other girls. UNCHECK
Guy 3: The guy who had the nondescript face, his face was forgotten instantly because of its absolute ordinariness. So he washed over me unremembered. UNCHECK
Guy 4: The timid Scottish lad that was afraid to talk... he was neither handsome nor ugly but he did mention that he had received many scam emails from Director General of Banks in Nigeria in the past (but did that subtly). He added that he wasn't prejudice. (yeah right) UNCHECK
Guy 5: The Middle eastern guy...with speech impediment and could not communicate- I named him my "lover without language". With lofty plans to study Masters in English later this year in a UK University. At 35 he had lots of wrinkles and 75% grey hair (who are you kidding?- I can tell an old man when i see one). BIG UNCHECK & DELETE!!!

I admit, it was loads of fun. It was for the laugh...


Slow dating!!! (Part 2)

I blogged about speed dating a while ago...but it didn't happen. So i was offered a free ticket and I wanted a friend of mine to experience it so i decided to give it another go and got her a ticket. So off we went for another session. Bearing in mind that i have an on/off partner ( I am afraid I'm seasonal), I wanted to have a laugh and offer my pal moral support, she was shaking like she was going for a job interview. As a veteran in these matters I just said- relax!

My first "speed date" (I am not exaggerating the guy was a replica of a beaver- his dentition were the exact copy of a rake) went like this:

Me: Hi, how are you? What do you do?
Speed dater 1: I am a Casino Manager.
Me: Well I am Nigerian, and you?
Speed dater 1: Really? The fraud Capital of Africa... I get people calling me everyday saying they are the Minister of Aviation. Whats your name?
Me: he he, really? (arsehole, I muttered under my breathe). anyway, My name is Jemila..its an Arabic name.
Speed dater 1: So are you Jewish? (even after i told the drunken cunt i was Nigerian)
Me: yeah, My dad is Jewish, a bloody rag head, and my mum is Osama Bin "fucking" ladin's second cousin.
Speed dater 1: Sorry, what did you say?
Me: Oh no....Nothing...Ok, ask me what pisses me off.
Speed dater: OK what pisses you off?
Me: Shagging a guy with a small cock that has lost suction!!! Have you got any idea how frustrating that is?. Masturbating with my index finger will give me a better thrill. Or I might as well consider being a paedophile! What do you think dear? (Serves you right for slagging Nigerians off)
Speed dater 1: Umph (you should have seen the look on his face-lost for words!!!)
I don't need to explain how the date went...It lasted 2 minutes.

The truth is that i wouldn't have considered the guy even if "he was the last guy on earth and I was out of batteries"!!!


Thursday, 25 January 2007

Fragments of my disjointed Imagination!

I haven't lost my mind at all- I have got a back up tape somewhere. My mind has been changing topics for the last couple of hours....

I haven't posted any interesting topics lately. Its not like I am having a semi-midlife crises, or suddenly my life has become uninteresting. NO! Reason being is that I am still suffering from post-holiday blues and most of the issues I'd like to share are of extreme obscene nature and i wouldn't want to upset some ignoramuses. My closest pals say I am "raw", i know and i cant help it. But every now and then I would throw subtle missiles.

I don't know which state of disequilibrium applies to me but I have experienced the extremities of two religions. My dad is an Imam (I grew up having a mosque in my house; and learning the Qu'ran from age 5-12)..on the other hand my mother is a Pastor of a church so from 13-16 i was born-again and sang in the choir (honest) ..then i backslided..from then on...well, forget about my case. I have no doubt that I was switched at birth....considering my first three months on earth was struggling for life in an incubator.

I passed 5 simple tests that has convinced my close pal that i need to be checked into the priory fast.

1. I bathe in tomato juice whilst singing the Nigerian national anthem
2. I vote conservative
3. I believe I am from the planet WGMJDTA
4. I bark at the moon whilst smeared in marmite
5. I am exceptionally attractive and sexy.... honestly, this is no fault of mine:-)


Wednesday, 24 January 2007

I had to share this.....!

Four nuns die in a car wreck and are on their way to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there and recognizes them.
"Hello Sisters!", he says. "I see that you are nuns, so that means we can just hurry you right on through without much of the usual bother."
St. Peter then proceeds to set this big bowl of holy water on a table next to the pearly gates.
"O.K. Sisters, all you have to do is answer one little question, and you can go right on in."
He then turns to the first nun and asks,
"Have you ever had anything to do with a man's pen1s?".
The first nun answers, "Well, I saw one once."
"No problem, Sister.", St. Peter says. "Just wash your eyes off with this holy water, and go on in."
He then turns to the second nun. "What about you?" he asks.
"Well, I touched one once.", she replies.
"Just wash your hands and go on in.", St. Peter says.
At that time the fourth nun elbows the third out of the way and steps forward.
"Hold on here! What seems to be the big hurry?" St. Peter asks the nun who cut in line.
The nun replies, "Oh, I just want to gargle before she sticks her A$$ in it!"

Saturday, 20 January 2007

Racism or Prejudice? Is Bollocks

I couldn't help writing about this topic on my tiny allotment on the Internet, I mean for clarification. So ashamedly my blog moves on from my exciting life to sinister and racist topics. Its very disturbing yet it's an issue that's must be addressed. This media frenzy needs to stop.

A belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

An unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.

These are definitions that are accurate, about the on-goings of the Celebrity Big brother house (for those of YOU that watch it). I don't understand what the hullabaloo is about, there is nothing racist about what Jade Goody has said, she is just prejudice, a girl with no formal training or proper education what else could you expect from a "white trash" (now that's not racist)?. Jermaine Jackson called jade that and it was disregarded.

Being African I have had people of different races talk down at me including bloody rag heads, but I understand because in this circle of life we all have a bit of prejudice in us, not exactly racism. A lot of people are ignorant not racist, most Caucasians have reservations about other races and vice versa. I think this topic about Jade being racist to Shilpa is just another way to make money and sell news, I think its baseless. Its unfortunate that the British public have been entrapped in this brouhaha. Honestly, they make it sound like Jade bludgeoned Shilpa to death with a club.

In hindsight, this insignificant issue wouldn't have been blown out of proportion if a Black person said that to Shilpa. Has it reached a point where whites are afraid to air their views to dark skinned coloured people without fear of being branded a racist?. Being black, I am appalled by the public response, there are more important issues to tackle at this crucial stage, like alleviating poverty for instance or dealing with WORLD peace.

My mixed race friend had some psychotic hippie call her a black girl (apparently her other Caucasian half was totally disregarded because its been stained by some black cells). I told her not to get upset, as the person in question was an ignorant daft prick.

I have used this tactic and it has worked for me, as i have grown older I try not to feel victimized by any non-black that i feel is prejudice...or plain stupid. I have a sharp tongue, I'll reduce the person to absolutely nothing. That's what Shilpa should have done and not be a cry baby or wallowing in self pity.

Friday, 19 January 2007

Is my Biological clock really ticking?

World Clock by

Tick tock, Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock,
Hickory Dickory Dock
Jemila will soon be up the clock
The clock struck GONE
Jemila ran down
Hickory Dickory dock!

M'Je (Does this pic really make me look like a Matrix extra?)

For all you Pervs!

This is for the Perverts that sneak on my blog...peruse to your hearts content. Run your mouse over the magnifier.


Saturday, 6 January 2007

£42 fine for wine

I'd been craving for a proper steak for the last I decided to take one of my best mates to this Argentinean place, the gaucho . We got there late because of my low descriptive power. [Darn! I should have listened to my mate when he said we should take a cab]...anyway this day of all days i decided not to wear my glasses. I perused the wine list squinting with interest and settled for a Malbec... it tasted full,smooth and a joy to drink as i swirled the drink with my tongue [wine aficionado]*. We enjoyed the tenderest blue fillet of steak.....that would melt in your mouth in seconds- In my quest for quality steak cuts that was the 3rd time i had such a perfectly cooked steak. The atmosphere was great and we just caught up on the gist of 2006... you should have seen the smile of contentment on my face.....if only i knew that would be short lived.

"£94 pounds!... how the hell did we consume that much in 45 minutes?" We asked in unison. The smiled was wiped off our faces immediately. Well Ms-I-deliberately-forgot-to-wear-my-spectacles didn't see the price on the Bottle of Malbec, Ms busy-body had this strong conviction in her head that she chose the cheapest bottle of wine which was £24.50..but Alas, it was a £42 bottle she chose. "Why the hell should i drink a £42 bottle of wine on a Friday night...what was so f*****g great about the day anyway?" I queried. The last time i drank such an expensive bottle it was some one's birthday and besides i didn't pay for it if i remember correctly.

I just feel bad about it and guilty at the same time. £42 will feed a family of 4 for a month up in the rural areas of Sokoto in Nigeria.

But I can say this much, the wine tasted so was pukka.

Now, I will need my glasses more than ever, with an extra pair to check my bank balance.


Friday, 5 January 2007

Ailing start to the year..

I have been indoors most of the week ailing from what i cannot fathom...OK i think i am responsible. I recently just realised that gyrating your hips like you are butt shaking for an Olympic gold medal can deplete your energy when you are in your late twenties. Alternatively, maybe the ladies were sapping out my energy with their eyes as they watched me perform my ritual belly dance in front of their men (as they lost their bearings) whichever way, the ailment started from that night.

This ailment is my nemesis for all the binging, dieting, partying from last year.
Diagnosis: Drastic weight loss, starvation, fatigue, tonsillitis... As a result of this I have renounced my active social life to a non-existent one. I have done my fair share, i did a year's worth of booze in 2 months, 3 years worth of smoking in 4 months and a lifetime's worth of men in 1 year....honestly, my ageing body needs recess.