Sunday, 25 March 2007

N.S.S


I dont really care if you join my club, but if you can be bothered to then you need to deal with my problematic lips, they have a hard time kissing asses.

Women know your limits

In a perfect world men would be sexist and chauvinist, but the bright side is, in the real world they cant be condoned...

Sunday, 18 March 2007

If it were so easy...


....I guess fathers would do it, its not easy being a mother. I have seen loads of mothers around me. I must say they deserve to be commended for the amount of work they do~ if not yours, but my mum needs to be exalted for putting up with me for 237 months and her exceptional strength. Particularly to single mothers who assume the role of mum and dad for their little tots.

I'll give it to mothers any day~ it beats me how they multitask, they go around with buggies everyday, having to stay up late at night to nurse their babies and handling soiled diapers, breast feeding both father and child, cooking for the family then still having to satisfy daddy's sexual needs at bedtime, I'd like to believe that some mothers still support the home financially.

I don't know if i would ever have a child~ as I am not psychic; but the baby~making process is amazing, no doubt. The birth process is another matter, handling a 10 inch cock is one thing; having a 4 pound baby pass through your cunt is another kettle of fish all together....!

Happy mothering Sunday to all.

Mamuje



PMS vs DOHS

After a lengthy and painstaking 156 months, I finally discovered what this is all about. A syndrome that most women can identify with. PMS (I don't have time to elaborate) happens before a woman's period and with individuals it varies, ideally it should 3-7 days before the actual gush of blood. In my case i like it to start 10 days before and by choice 5 days after I am still basking in stroppiness...then the month ends and the cycle starts all over again. Men wonder why women behave strangely during their PMS, failing to realize that they have it too. I'd like to call theirs DOHS(i have time to elaborate, Dogs-on-heat-syndrome)

This is as plain as it can be:

Scenario 1: You're walking down a street and you smile at a girl.
Outcome A: She's in an upbeat mood/appreciates your colour-coordination. She thinks, "He seems nice." (Post PMS)
Outcome B: She's in a stroppy mood/is disgusted by the food stuck in your beard. She thinks, "Eww, what a perv." (PMS)

Scenario 2: You think your co-worker is cute. You ask her out for drinks.
Outcome A: She already thinks you're nice. She agrees or lets you down subtly. (Post PMS)
Outcome B: She thinks your uncharming voice is too loud or that you point too much~She already decided she has no interest in you. You develop a reputation around the office as "that creepy dude in IT." (PMS)

But, you wail, "That’s totally unfair!" Actually guys, you do it too.

Scenario 3: A girl accidentally bumps into you.
Outcome A: She's a Pam Anderson look-alike. With massive tits, jugs, breast (whatever you call them) You say, "Oops, my bad." (DOHS)
Outcome B: She's overweight and missing half her teeth. You say, "Hey, watch it!" (PMS)

So, we rather think alike because we're human.

Food for thought: If guys knew what women laughed at, they will never sleep with us. In fact all blokes would be gay.

One question I have been dying to ask some men. Why is it that men who have "short comings" always describe their members as "well endowed". The ones who are "well endowed" or "well hung" are modest about it. Do not blame this on PMS.

Here is to men and what I'd suggest you do, if you find it hard to approach PMS sufferers or you suffer from DOHS.



I cant help it- if you are a prude then don't read, don't call me and ask me why I write these stuff. If you ask me "Y" I do, my response would be "because "Y" has a long tail and two branches..that's "why"!. If the missus is having one of "them" days... also known as PMS then i suggest you take a cue from the picture above, that might be a relief for some "dogs" on heat.

M'je

Tuesday, 13 March 2007

The fear of death....


....is the beginning of wisdom. I used to joke about it but not anymore. Anyway I have to keep my story short and concise.

I was 3 weeks early. The plane i did my skydive in crashed on Sunday injuring 8 people and leaving pilot dead.

Before i got on the plane for my dive, i knew something was wrong, a flap was hanging out and duck tape was used to fasten it. The plane aircraft was rickety and dingy looking. I didn't let that put me off. All talks of possible skydiving in the future has been put on hold...maybe for me this is a one off. I love life and myself too much.

Now Scott (Trainee Pilot) and I(Amateur skydiver) are just sitting quietly and pondering deeply and sipping wine moodily.... for me I think my brother's trip to ask me why i wanted to kill myself was justified.

Its just weird.

M'je

Thursday, 8 March 2007

Animalistic instinct!

If i can remember vividly, it happened exactly 7 months ago. I walked into the room from the shower scantily clad and damp. I threw my towel carelessly on the bed. My thoughts were muddled up- its been a terrible week. Then he walked towards me oblivious of my current predicament, I ignored him, wasn't in the mood for any nonsense- i had too much on my plate already. I patted my body with moisturizer and kept rubbing in circles. He wasn't deterred by my complete lack of attention, he sashayed towards me as if he was about to pounce on me. I wasn't ready to give or receive any affection from him. He wasn't the one I wanted.

His stood staring at me- as if he wanted to know why gloominess had engulfed me within. I didn't know what to think of this castrated male standing and looking longingly at me. I tried to cover my body... but he just devoured me with his eyes. Then he strutted slowly, approaching me then he brushed his cheeks across my shanks. I stood still as a statue watching his next move. With a sudden jolt he mounted my laps as i fell flat on the bed. As i recoiled to gain balance...he coiled up and purred as i snuggled him close.

I stroked his whiskers and thought...aren't cats the most affectionate animals after all?

M'je

A commuter's story!


It was one of those days when you just want to get home and flog yourself on the bed. I had been having bad experiences on the tube lately. The most common is standing on the tube for 25 mins and when you finally get a seat some pregnant lady asks you "can you get up please, I am pregnant?", pointing to her bulge. Then I think, well for all i care I didn't impregnate you so its not my problem. (Why ONLY me?!)...Maybe as an African woman I am the strongest on the entire carriage, so i deserve to stand for 75 mins.

Anyway, today was wine and steak day...having strutted around in heels all day and terribly knackered, it would be a good way to indulge in one of life's simple pleasures while raising my feet up. I was in a hurry to get the items as well as return a hat i borrowed 2 months ago when half my extensions fell off accidentally (another story), i embarked on my fateful journey home, squashed in a train like a sardine and gasping for life's free gift. Air...!

I was crushed underneath his foul smelling pits, i couldn't see his face, after 3 stops we both found seats opposite each other. He had a weird countenance to him, I stared at him and caught his purple eyes, they may have been contact lenses. He was very tall, wearing a striped suit with a tacky briefcase and pointed shoes (the sort only a gay "socket" would wear). He had shoulder length hair and to make matters worse he was bald by the temples, he also had sideburns. He looked like an amateur reenactment of 007 or an agent of the devil. He fixed his gaze on me filling me with an uncomfortable feeling- I agree the stares due to my blond mane has been surmountable all week. I bent my head down and closed my eyes. I felt Mr Purple eyes all over my body. If i could sum up his description, he looked like a cross between a Rottweiler and an orangutan.

He chuckled, which frightened me the more. I wanted to get off the train quickly. Then i found myself at Waitrose buying the wine and steak, I noticed Purple eyes Alias 007 walking along the wine aisle. I shrieked. I bought the items and paid hurriedly and walked briskly out of the supermarket. He followed me closely, i increased my pace, he did the same. After a few steps I turned out swiftly and swung the shopping bag across his face, got the bottle of wine and smashed it on his head, got my rump steak and stuffed it down his guts screaming "get away from me you f***king perv....don't you mess with a black African woman". To my astonishment, people just stared and watched me raining blows on him....

...then i felt a cold hand tugging my arm, I stared at him wide eyed, and he said "Ma'am,this is the last stop". As i woke up, I was glad a trail of saliva hadn't found its way to my cape.

The speakers were blaring, "THIS TRAIN TERMINATES HERE!!!". I was at Egdware station.

I looked around for Agent 007....oh, i muttered, It was just a dream...

Thursday, 1 March 2007

Definitions

"Just a friend" /j.ust-a'-f'ri.e'n.d/ :

a... Phrase used to describe a member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
example: "Who, him? He is so ugly, someone ought to smack his mama. Na girl, he's just a friend"

b....Phrase used to describe a person with whom one is sleeping with on the hush-hush.
example: "You don't trust me? I know I spend a lot of time with her, but I am tellin you, she is just a friend!"

(Plagiarized from Ejiro's Blog)