I am Afraid oh...I am very, very afraid oh!
The last year just washed past me. Honestly, probably didn’t know what was going on. I had been frolicking and having a good time without much concern for the global economic crisis or the possibility of Nigeria getting the heat from it. It has come…well maybe not to Nigeria in general but its has come to me. I only realised it had hit me like an avalanche of problems from left, right, centre and upside down.Days of impromptu holidays, eating expensive rare steaks and guzzling copious bottles of wine has suddenly disappeared. Days where men /friends/family/dad/brothers/potential toasters/potential husbands will throw cash at me have suddenly disappeared. Gone Poof with the wind!- And I hear the worst is yet to come. Lordy! Renewing my cable TV or internet has suddenly become luxury. Lets not go into hair pieces (weave on), the era of expensive Indian weaves/ human hair and premium yaki have vanished….now we have suddenly entered the realm of Darling Yaki.- Some cheap synthetic weave that causes my acne/pimple to treble every time I have it on. Pah! I even hear Women in Abuja are now contemplating having sex with more Men, because they can no longer afford batteries (me included). Pah!
Toasters (toasters mean DATE) have become less and less interesting, most dates do not add food to the package. One date took me out (trouble). We had gone on, 1,2,220.127.116.11 *dates*….. All I have is a bottle of Star beer whenever we hook up- when I say “I am hungry, I need to eat, been drinking for too long“ His reply “Ok, maybe you need to go home now- Waiter! The bill“. This toaster always insists I meet him at Sheraton at 6pm. Blimey! I say, “I work in a bank, I cant just zap and meet you up“. It was only then I realised that he was always trying to meet happy hour. Dont blame him, its economic crisis. So I thought it would be better to walk away than treat Ulcer.
The thought of my rent expiration is causing me grief. I was deciding if to get a flatmate or marry a rich man. I liked the second idea better but the first idea seemed more realistic. So I went on an expedition. And goodness me I found a potential husband by jove and two days later, he said “baby, I like you oh, next week you will be spending the week in my house”. He has already promised me all the good things of life without me asking. Holidays, Inverter and a room in his house. (see groove for economic crisis!)- While I was contemplating my exit Mr Man yanked my hand and placed it on his pot belly, saying “baby so lets do London this summer, US in December na ,So gbo?”. I nodded obediently He continued “baby, you need to cook egusi for me oh“!. Yes oh! It is that bad!!, that the idea of hanging out with a potbellied/froglike/uncouth kinda guy has suddenly become appealing and super cool!. Lets not go into how my assets have dwindled. Talking about share prices and my possible pension reserve. I have thought up several ways to tackle the imminent financial crisis. Talking about living on a budget: I have decided to curb my enthusiasm for the good life:
~Instead of wines and spirit, I’d hold on to my ever faithful Star beer.
~Instead of Expensive steaks, I’d go to the market every other weekend and cook a good pot of egusi. Thank God I like carbohydrates....or even consider going vegetarian. Beef is ridiculously expensive
~Instead of my regular club house, I will do irregular Unique gardens now- Where a 75cl bottle of beer doesnt exceed N200 ($1,50)
~Instead of paying my cable TV subscription, I have decided to watch my neighbours own.
~Instead of holidays abroad, I will go to Lagos...by night bus.
~Instead of making calls, I wont credit my phone, when my friends and family call, I’ll tell them that I lost my phone and just retrieved their number. It works, half the time!
~Instead of renewing my rent, let me just find a rich husband, a Nigerian politician preferably- They wont be hit by the economic crisis- they seem to have easy access to the national cake..sorry funds..
~I am not even thinking of Diesel Generator, I am going to pack my I BETA pass.....Generator, even I BETA is a luxury item. I will use candles. (We use generators most of the time due to power failure)
~If you see any obscenely rich and pot bellied men with low-self esteem please tell him where to find me!
If I don’t blog or suddenly hibernate. I am not DEAD. Its the Economic Crisis!!!- Thanks for