Underrating Stupidity!

I am not one to undermine people regardless of their status, occupation, creed or race. I am accepting…..well until this recent development that has scarred me FOR LIFE!!!

I started working with Malik about 3 months ago and I took a liking to him, because he was obedient. He was my official driver. He drove me and my colleagues when we had meetings with clients. Sometimes I noticed he had driven miles and miles and had barely anything to eat all day so I’d offer to buy him lunch every now and again. One day I took the plunge and invited him to a restaurant to eat (I didn’t see the point of him waiting in the car while my colleagues and I sat in the air-conditioned restaurant eating). He opted to eat in a nearby restaurant, so I gave him money for lunch. I thought I was doing the right thing.

I recently got transferred to operate from another office….then I started getting calls from Malik asking why I never visited my former office. I appreciated the call…until the calls became persistent. It almost seemed like he was hounding me! WHAT?!

Today, Malik called me and asks me why I didn’t take him as my date for our end of financial year party? OK….now I am shocked. Dazed in fact. I just hung up the phone. It was a bad dream perhaps!. No, that was not ALL! He sent me a text. (Below, word for word)

“Hello, jina, an not tree who somebody went 2 rest an later full, 2 comprehensive is that, I like u, an I don’t wont anything to upset , what I min is that, u went 2 oga paty stdy witout let me no, so, don’t b upset pls, u are my oga. An I like u, pls, like me.from maleek”

I don’t know if you (reader) can decipher the text but I went ballistic. I had to keep my cool. I wanted to respond, I had to respond to the ass wipe but I knew I couldn’t. As tempted as I was to wipe his lineage from the surface of the earth, I knew I had to be above him always. It was my fault, I treated him like somebody. I respected him, he took it for granted. The fact is that he was my DRIVER and he is still somebody’s DRIVER! Besides with his level of intellect…..kai kai kai (I wan jump comot for bridge). In fact, my dating career has been ruined for life. Someone please poke me in the eye with with a needle!!!! 2 drivers asking you on dates in less than 2 years is SO NOT a good sign. You treat them like equals, then they cross the line! Idiots! Sheer Impudence!! Nonsense!!!

What have I done to deserve this? Who have I wronged? Is the Good Lord angry with me?!! I feel like a leper right now... I so need a shoulder to cry on and a hug *sniff*

M’je

Mamuje's Classic moments!

On my way home from an outing the following conversation ensued:

Anon: Have you got a boyfriend?

Me: I am seeing someone but its not exclusive

Anon: Hmmmmm

Me: Huh huh

Anon: So we are now official, are we now boyfriend/girlfriend?

Me: Errr........NO.....I dont think so.

Anon: Why dont you gimme a goodnight kiss?

Me: *Swine flu came to mind* I dont think so mate!

Anon: So why have you gone on dates with me then if you are not interested?!

Me: *Yawn* That's because I was hungry!!!

M'je

Why are you not married?

I have been blessed with the odd crowd. Odd being my family and friends. The last weekend saw me surrounded by 13 nephews and nieces (parented by my 3 siblings…don’t ask me how)…my friend (whose expecting her ‘bun in the oven’ to pop out soon), my step- mum (who makes those delicious crunchy akara), a team of domestic staff (who feed me like a goose about to deliver fois gras), my ‘ever needy’ sister-in-law ( the ‘blood’ sister I never had)…..and my ‘normal’ friends.

My friends’ aside, I have come to the realization that EVERY member of my family has OCD (including relatives by marriage)…or they believe I was born deaf. They repeat and reiterate the same question and advice every time they see me. “Wont you get married” or “why are you always picky?” Wrong! My response “how many men have you seen me with. How can you assume I am being picky?” Then my sister-in-law goes “if you are not choosy, why don’t you pick one of the ones that come your way?” (This is the question I love). Then I go “ All the ones I meet are terribly insecure and high maintenance and I don’t like any of them ENOUGH”. Fair enough response I think. Then the blow that kills me….my brother goes “Gina, you know almost all your sisters were married with children at your age”. I reply “I haven’t met the man yet…..shey ‘they’ say when you meet the man you will know?” Came my quick riposte.

Is it Kevin* Who is high maintenance and overly needy?...who is looking for every single opportunity to help me mow my ‘lady garden’ but not ready to get down to the nitty gritty.

Or Michael* who after 3 dates forgot to let the very crucial detail slip that he was married for 13 years with 3 children…..oh it must have been an oversight…. (In the hope that I will bear him a lizard or orangutan perhaps).

Or Osazee* who seems like he is keeping tabs on me. It’s not alright to keep tabs on someone when you have a non-descript face that is forgettable. Well, he quickly washed over me. Boring and uninteresting. Spending a moment with him (even friends confirmed it) CANNOT be likened to watching paint dry….at least while watching paint dry you feel some heat in your eyes. I tell ya

Everytime I spend time with my family they go on and on and on…even the stewards have started to banter about it. Rita goes “Aunty Gina, we no want Oyinbo oh, find better Auchi man marry”…and Grace goes “Yeye, which kind Auchi man? Aunty abeg find oyinbo man make you get peace of mind”.

What worries me is not their constant hounding or yabis, Its not people’s perception of marriage or the norm. What worries me is that they don’t understand that not everyone will get married. It worries me that they think that the ultimate achievement for a woman in life is MARRIAGE. Maybe na our Auchi/Warrake sense be that. Last night we were invited for drinks at a house…. I don’t know how it came about she started advising Toro and I about not choosing husband…then she pointed to her palatial mansion and said “My dear see o, NO MAN is a good man just manage”. I could see she was managing alright. I guess she was trying to tell me to settle for wealth over peace of mind.

I see too many failed marriages around that I feel Blessed to be single. (I don’t know if I feel emotionally, mentally, physically and SPIRITUALLY ready for the institution of marriage yet) Its not easy, but I feel blessed. I don’t know if anyone feels me, but marriage is where I am going to spend the rest of my life, so why rush into it?

M'je

Gatemen stories....

At 6.35am this morning, my phone rang and I recognized the voice almost instantly:

Caller: Hello, madame good morning

Me: hello…Peter…na you?

Caller: Yes Ma, na me Oh….(pause)…I just wan tell you say my wife don born for Kaduna

Me: Eiyyaaa….congrats o….wetin she born?

Caller: She born boy….he he eh eh he he….(pause)….eh o, na boy she born…na boy oh.

Me: Ok o, congrats….*at this point I want to end the conversation as Elissa is playing in the background and my tea is getting cold*

Caller: ehh…he…eee…..(pause) *I could visualize him slapping flies across his left ear whilst trying to muster enough courage to ask….*

Me: Shey na the same wife wey get typhoid the other day wey been need blood?

Caller: Eh na she…

Me: So….shey she dey alright sha? We thank God!

Caller: Madame, she dey fine…eh..eh…err…err…er…(pause)…err…(unrelenting).eerr

Me: Ok Peter, When are you coming back? I will find you something when you come back.

Caller: Na Sunday. Thank you Ma

Me: Thank you too *phone clicks*

That was the conversation that ensued between Gina and Peter. Me being Gina and Peter being my security guard, who is CLEARLY older than my humble self. I took a liking to him, but now he has abused it, I am not the only tenant, In fact I am the only single tenant and probably one of the youngest. I appreciate he told me (but not at 6.35am), I appreciate he is 'overjoyed'. I dont appreciate that his wifes needs blood and hospital fees and other people have to be involved. All I can feel for is pity for him and think stupidity for his predicament. I wonder why people put themselves in situations and expect people to get them out of it. I say it everyday. Until I am financially able to take care of myself and provide for another life then I will have children. A lot of people believe in the adage “God will provide”. I believe it too and I also believe “Faith without works is dead”.

M'je

It's all Greek to me...

I went to visit a friend of mine recently and as usual engaged in a conversation about general life. We had attended a dinner party a week earlier and enquired about some lady’s age. Apparently her daughter was at the party too and they looked like sisters (How many of you remember the NKU cream advert in the 80s?, only that this was much better) The said lady was about 50 yrs of age and came to the party looking younger and brighter in a mini gown and glossier skin than any of us. I was stunned. She looked amazingly 30. How did she do it? My friend replied “the reason she looks that good is because she left her husband at an early age”. We laughed and joked about it, but I got back home and I have been pondering on that revelation.

Chatting with another lady the other day and she said she didn’t really consider marriage as an option. “I don’t think I want to be committed to one person for the rest of my life” she said. I gave her the look, like she had just killed 5 people. I told her she will get over that phase.

I am an advocate of the ‘marriage partnership’ and its ‘benefits’ but I very much appreciate where I find myself now. I am also a strong advocate of separation: FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

Ok, back to the crux of the matter. I have noticed how unhappy some people are with their marriages and some people are extremely happy with their singleton status. As a matter of fact, my single friends seem much happier than some of my friends who are married. That is some scary shit. This begs the question “why would anyone remain in an unhappy partnership?”. I know the most common response would be: Money and Security. But in a relationship where money isn’t the deciding factor and there isn’t any romance left, why would you hang on to THAT relationship. Considering that most relationships/partnerships/marriages are built on the foundation of infidelity, deceit and mistrust. Or is it that some people would rather be unhappy in a relationship than be unhappy being single? I can’t get my head around it. It’s all Greek to me.

Looking at Natasha* and they way she is treated by her husband makes me think she could pass as a blueprint for building an idiot. Never a week goes by that she doesn’t receive a barrage of insults from her husband. She sucks it all in. She has sucked it all in for over a decade. When I ask her why she stays. She replies “when you marry your own, you go know”.

My heart breaks when I see unhappy people- especially women in relationships and they claim they can’t get out because they feel they got nowhere to go or they just stay together because they want to conform to the societal norm. My heart breaks but it instills fear in me. More fear as I grow older. Could it be that people marry out of fear or marry the wrong person- because of external influences like family pressure or just marry for the sake of marriage (the wedding ceremony)? Too many questions. No right answer.

This begs the following questions-

-Is 'marriage' the problem? Or, is it that people who have problems seek refuge in marriage?.

-Is marrying the platform for confused interpersonal fluidity? Or, is it that people go into marriage with non-compatible expectations?
-Are expectations the norm? Or, is the dictum that 'perception is reality' also applicable to the institution of marriage?

I might just write a thesis on the subject as I am quite interested in knowing what I might find.

*Not real name.

M'je