Sunday, 29 November 2009

All cougar-ed up!

It was looking good until........
We've seen a long holiday in Nigeria. 4 days of Eid Kabir celebrations. Lots of rams slaughtered all over the place. Party invites. Free lunches and dinners. My schedule was tight and I loved it. Anyway a good friend of mine, who shares the same birthday week decided to have a belated birthday BBQ. It was the BBQ of the century. Friends. Food. Foolery. Funk and Alcoholic fuels. Etc I was dressed to the hilt wearing a lovely purple Kimono top (see pic below) and Jeggings. Topped off with snake skin gladiator heels and wearing a tiny necklace that read "available". Didn't think it was visible to the human eye though. Well.....Considering the older guy I was seeing casually told me over coffee that morning that he was getting married in less than 2 months to a lady 5 years younger than me, I had to think of a plan B. Bear in mind, I wasn't heart-broken (not in a million years....not even if he was the last man on earth and I was out of batteries). I was ENVIOUS! There is a difference.

Back to the crux....BBQ was going well, then i saw him across the crowd. I had seen him before. He was younger. He seemed like a greenhorn. We exchanged pleasantries etc At the end of the party he was already smitten by my friend, which was cool. He saw us off to the car and said to me
"Waoh, looked very lovely today, very attractive...."
I was revelling in the compliments and blushing profusely "thanks Dante"
Before I could say another word.
He goes "You are looking really a Cougar"!
My face dropped. The world suddenly stopped for me.

Definitions of //Cougar// (From Urban Dictionary)
(see also hunt, prowl, corner, pounce). Noun. A 35+ year old female, sexually cunning, who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in San Francisco (or other cities)waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. "Man is cougar's number one prey"

From the definition above....all I was guilty of was wearing a padded bra. I swear *sob*. I am slowly coming to terms with it...


Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Amsterdam chronicles 1 (Purple Haze)

The thrill of visiting such a tolerant city with a racy reputation had been lingering on my mind for ages and ages. I had thought about all the things I was gonna do. Food, drink and of course.... try out the variations of herbs the city had to offer. I was well chuffed days in advance before the trip. Its not everytime you visit a country with 6 willing friends. Who were 'almost' ready to explore as much as I wanted to. We stayed at the lovely park hotel which was right bang in the middle of Leidesplein... the Uk'sequivalent to Leceister sqr or something like that.

I pay attention to detail...and what i learnt was... Dutch men are HAWT and they got the tightest butt ever. Oh my, their butts are a standard Nigerian handful... and everybody owns a bicycle. Yeah, you take me out on a date in a keke. Oti oh! I no gree that one at all. I am a Nigerian diva... my people no go gree make i enter bicycle with man :-)

As soon as we had our first meal...I was itching to visit the infamous coffee shops to see what they had on offer. We walked into one coffeeshop called the 'other side' and my friends watched with keen interest as I perused the list of 'cakes' and muffins' and later ordered a space cake for 6 Euros. There is a first for everything... . We sat around the cake like it was a rescue cat waiting for who would bell it. Anyway, I tried a piece...and the rest followed...and i took a bigger piece, then another...i ate almost every crumb. We had ticked the box of things to do. We walked out gaily into the streets... for a moment it seemed like the number 23 was chasing the number 13.... I could see Mars bars walking around everywhere, dont ask me. I did get to the 'otherside' alright. Yeah, yeah...I know, I was spaced out, I knew I needed to sleep.

My intercom rang and it was 'K' on the phone asking me to come downstairs. She was off to the Bulldog to get some food. Little did i know. Only to get there and my missy was off her head. Stoned to the hilt. I asked for a menu and was startled by what i got. Hash and Weed menu. I lit up a cigarette and I was told there was a no-smoking policy.... then I go "but others are smoking weed" and they replied "Oh weed is allowed in here". WAOH....Kewl! Would be a joy to relocate now...wouldnt it? You can imagine what happened the rest of the night....

It was a lovely night...lots of ridiculously expensive and potent cocktails... Walking around in 7 inch high heels much to the amazement of other tourists screaming 'disco lady'. Yeah, I love attention like that.

I knew I had to be sober for the museums..... and canal cruise.


Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Sex therapy. EXes, Frankfurters vs CFC!

Its been an amazing 2 weeks and I have decided to come up for air *can you hear me exhale deeply?* Its been amazing turning 30. Been planning for months, not even my dad's passing could deter me from celebrating with amazing friends and family.

It was lovely to my friends, been amazing how they've kept in touch over the last 2 years. Our first stop was Amsterdam. I knew I had to go to Amsterdam with the girls. I just had to. (The Amsterdam chronicles with come in a different blog...quite lengthy you know).

Then met up with the 'EX'. How he managed to keep me on a tight leash after all these months apart eludes me. He does it so well and I like it. Anyway, I kick myself in the foot every time I think of the 6 months i spent in London tossing him around, because I was chasing after some crackhead who couldn't decipher whether it was mauve or burgundy. Then i decide to give it a go when I was 3000 miles apart. Shite. I had this bloke right in front of me. I had him wrapped around my fingers. Then I let him slip through my fingers. Did you hear...? I let him slip? I was chasing after an Aldi frankfurter and I let a premium, corn fed chicken run away like that. I know one thing for sure. This is one 'ex' that lights up my face anytime I talk about him :-D... Awww bless.

Back to the crux.... the initial plan for b'day was Erotica...but decided against it as I am still supposed to be mourning. (Yikes), so went for a fun dinner with some of my closest friends. It was a blast. The presents were lovely though. 'Ex' asked what i wanted for my birthday. I said the 'heart throb'. He said OK. I am expecting it in the post before christmas (God willing, the Nigerian postal system will speed up). I am hoping to take my new toy with me to Calabar. I am all giddy and excited about the prospect of using the toy. Its like no other.

I am back to friggin' reality....reality is my bank job! I want to work as a sex therapist. Something that has sex in it. Now's the perfect time jare


Its all in MY head!

A new friend has encouraged me to blog as often as I can....well, sitting my arse down to type is the problem. There is always something to do in this boring town called Abuja. Well i have decided to share certain experiences, you might find hilarious, weird or refreshing. Depending on your state of mind. Its past midnight, i have a bad cold so I am gonna try to be quick. So here it goes.

I am a firm believer of the sentence 'messages are not always received in the way they are broadcast'. I try not to make assumptions... but then again, I do.

I met this guy at a work do (i had seen him on different occasions) and the first time we actually had a chat. We clicked, chatted, shared a drink, bumped and grounded on the dance floor, exchanged numbers and I went home....I was smitten. Next day, I waited for a text...then i texted. He texted back. We met up for a drink. Then another, then another. Then I assumed we were in the preliminary stage on what would become a fruitful relationship. I already envisaged my legs entwined in his.... and screaming 'who's your daddy?" (yes, I am quick like that).

I went away on holiday....I missed him...or so i thought. He sent me a message saying we should meet up for a drink and maybe something to eat...I am sure I heard 'something to eat'... or maybe I was just hungry. (Before, I go any further...I had told the girls about the man who was making me have wet dreams at night.). I dressed up to the hilt. Wearing new clothes to impress on what was supposed to be a date (or what i thought). Got there, we chatted, he asked about my friends. He said someone was joining us for drinks/dinner. I was excited to meet his mate or whoever.

......Then his girlfriend joined us on the date. She was much younger and prettier!

Apparently, he had a few mins to spare so he pitifully slotted me in. *sigh*. I left after my first drink. After a few days or weeks...we started communicating again. This time he said he would come out to hang out with me and friends. Anyway, he did. It was then I found out he fancied my friend NOT me. Stupidity fails to describe the severity of the emotion that overwhelmed me.

I guess when you get to a certain age, every man, moron or donkey becomes a potential zipless f**k! Again, I say. It was all in my head.


Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Pulsating Demon!

I sat in my room thinking of what to get myself for a birthday present. I mean its been a rough year and I needed a 'feel good' present to cheer myself up. I deserved it, I earned it (even though I had been faffing about for the last 6 months, still pissed at why I earned a paltry sum for my last bonus). My trip to London and Amsterdam to celebrate the big three 'O' doesn't count. That's, a normal holiday. Anyway, back to the nitty gritty. Been in London for 6 days now and my ever helpful sister in-law gives me a ride to one of those shopping malls in the outskirts of London. I had to buy more work clothes.. and perfumes for Ma!

...As soon as we got to the mall, I follow the light. I break into a huge smile, the Cheshire cat smile that hasn't been evident over the last few months. I saw the neon sign and walked in confidently, while my sister in-law stood a few meters behind me with her mouth agape. I say 'close your mouth before you attract a fly'. She is naive and conservative like that. I was happy, I found an Ann Summers shop right bang in the middle of nowhere. A week before, my friend in Nigeria got a rampant rabbit for her birthday. It had platinum balls. I thought a rampant rabbit would do the trick. Considering all efforts to shag my ex-boyfriend over the last few days has been futile due to work commitments. Poor guy. Who wouldn't grab a free shag? Considering if the person is as good as my humble self!

Anyway, I beckoned at the sales assistant to talk me through the different 'rampant rabbits'. I continued "I really want to get the 'thruster', but I cant seem to find it anywhere. Is it true it thrusts like a man?". She said "unfortunately its been discontinued in the shops, it didn't seem to sell very well". I look at the 'platinum' and go "so what would you recommend?". Without a word she picks up a purple vibrator, inserts the batteries and clicks the button and says "feel it", its called the heart throb. As i touched the pulsating demon, I felt my body explode. The 'machine' kept expanding and contracting, expanding and contracting...while the tiny rabbit ears were whizzing as if looking for my nether region. At that moment, I had had enough. I ran out of the shop in embarrassment. If you know me, you'd know embarrassment isn't in my dictionary...and isn't finding itself in it anytime soon. It felt so good. I was marvelled at Jacqueline Gold's innovative spirit. With ground breaking technology like that, its a little wonder why she is given numerous awards.

OK, I ended up NOT making the orgasmic purchase but I have 3 options, The 'heart throb, Platinum plus or the aqua'. I thank heavens for the Internet. More than that, I am looking forward to going to Amsterdam with the girls this weekend and my first point of call is the SEX MUSEUM, maybe then I can make my choice!

I know I am not alone. Its ridiculously refreshing how sex sells. All I know is that, I am BUYING!