Does this blog warrant a title?

I lifted the flap by my bedside table, Zilch. Searched frantically behind my bedside lamp. It wasn’t there. I laid back again for what seemed like a lifetime pondering where I might have left it. I know I left it beside my bedside. It was always there. It had lived there for as long as I have lived in my flat.

It was one of those frosty nights where you just to needed an accomplice. I was looking for my alibi everywhere and it/she/he wasn’t anywhere to be found. My stomach churned from hunger pangs. I had eaten. I ate quite alright, but all I ate was plantain at lunch that wasn’t sufficient to feed a beaver! (Now! Don’t get me all started on whether beavers eat plantains!). The churn from my insides could be likened to a 300 pound sumo wrestler with perpetual gastritis. Now that’s double trouble in little Abuja.

I bit my lip. It was like rubbing rock salt against a fresh wound. I tossed my ‘starved’ body across the bed as if looking for something at both ends. I stopped. Pushed my head forward to resume watching the fictitious (sue me!)life of Kimora Lee Simmons on the Style Network!. I got bored in no time. I was trying to sleep. Sleep wasn’t coming. I know I had to tackle my frustration one way or another. It was cold, I was hungry…and horny and some mysterious person stole my only ‘functional’ Rabbit!!!

I am hoping the vibrator enlarges 4 FEET in height and 2 FEET in girth as it rams into the thieving perpetrator.

M'je

Tiger Woods Ramified!

I know this topic has been bludgeoned to death but here is my 5 Metecais worth. Just giving my opinion as an innocent bystander :-). Can I turn on the TV or venture into cyberspace without the shadow of Mr Woods’ philandering ass taunting me? I guess not! I bet the recalcitrant Osama bin laden didn’t get as much negative exposure for his terrorist activities as Elin’s Don juan did. The hypocrisy of people about this subject has left me cogitating about humans. I can almost certainly say that most people have more faces than a diamond would. What was Tiger Woods’ crime? He committed adultery! OK. End of story! I feel nonplused as to what the issue is here?. Can someone tell me what the problem is. Or am I missing something grave? Retract your sling people!

Adultery is bad. So is fornication before marriage. So is lying, stealing, battery assault etc. The man made a mistake and is ardently sorry about it. Or so it seems…and the issue of the revised Post-nuptial agreement is definitely going to leave Elin smiling (OK, maybe not now but in a few years). Coming from a country where adulterous affairs albeit not illicit take the centre stage, it isn’t any wonder that I am not perturbed by what’s going on. I have been cheated on… more than once. In fact more than three times if I am to be honest and believe me the culprits were not given any retribution for their sins. Truth is, sometimes the relationship continued as if nothing had happened. Let’s call it STUPIDITY, but I stayed because I wanted to. If I was given money to stay in the relationship does that make me a bad person? You answer that!

It’s easy for a lot of people to say well…Tiger was paid shit loads of money for his talent and squeaky clean image. We are all aware of that, but then again it doesn’t change the fact that he is human and as humans we are susceptible to any known sin under the sun. I personally think this is an obvious ploy to bring Tiger Woods down. His counterparts, David letterman, David Beckham, Bill Clinton, Ashley Cole played ‘away’ matches, didn’t they?. This whole backlash and media frenzy reeks of hypocrisy, jealously, envy and whatchamacallit! Everyone talks about this black man who has committed such a despicable act. I stand corrected; I thought Tiger Woods was just a quarter black and 3 parts Asian, Irish and Indian? Just checking! Oh Yes, they would always play the race card, wont they?!

I read one article where one of Tiger’s ‘ladies’ said she didn’t know he was married and what did I think? I thought May she be molested by a dozen unmarried mad he-goats. I just think Tiger was an idiot, a buffoon for choosing non-discreet females for his sexcapades! And the calibre of lovers....SMH!!!

M'je

Sail on 2009!!!

I am gonna tell you a story that would make your balls/breasts shrink to the size of raisins. Ha! I am not bemoaning this time...... I am more bemused and amused than anything else!

At the start of the year, I wrote a long list of New Year resolutions and prayer requests. Suffice to say I didn't keep 'any' of the resolutions I made. Nada. Zilch! As for the prayer requests, make we leave matter. I fasted and prayed for 21 days and what happened? Well... I guess man proposes, God disposes. I hate to say this, I believe my prayer request was disposed off in the bin even before I started. Or maybe I wasn't praying for the right thing. But the right thing is usually a thriving career, peace, solvency, supportive/genuine friends and family, stable relationship and kids (In no particular order of importance). My list filled both sides of an A4 sheet (in tiny handwriting). No kidding. I spent the next 3 weeks in solitude. No after work drinks. Not even a whiff of cigarette was near me. I sang Don Moen songs endlessly. It wasn't long before I derailed and went back to my seemingly normal ways.

At the start of the fast and prayers my relationship with "Mr Big" ended. Kawai. Ewo. Shilt! What a debacle! I had prayed that by my 30th birthday in November I would have a baby. I don't know if it was a need or just the usual broodiness. I wasn't expecting an immaculate conception. I was hoping a human would provide the sperm. Where I see am?!

In March Francesca sat me down and said:

"Babe, since you say you must conceive, born for November '09. Your deadline don reach o! Na March we dey. If na 9 months you wan carry the belle, then this na your time to go find am, you never see who tell you hello, how much more donate sperm!" Kai, I take left my hand, fall my right hand! She added "abi you think say na beans?' The lady knows how to add salt on wounds, doesn't she?. Now I am thinking. Is the Lord angry with me? I even started discipleship training in church (which I didn't finish... my conscience no let me).

Lets not get into the career facet of things. I feel blessed to have a job...I am dispassionate about. More than any year, in 2009 I have met people who are more offensive than rotten dead bodies I bet your balls just shrunk. My only consolation is this year has blessed me with supporting/loving family and friends, they are the only ones that keep me going. The year is coming to a close and again I am writing a new year's resolution. Yes. My new year's resolution is NOT to write new year's resolution. Am I praying & fasting? Writing a prayer request?. Perhaps, but a prayer of supplication seems unlikely. I will let things take their natural course.

I will leave you with Eric Zorn's quote:

Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.

M'je

A gourmand's moment!

One of my purposes in life is to Eat. My passion for food has deepened over the years. I savour food. I taste every single spice, herb, grain, pulse in a dish. I am a fast eater, but I enjoy it and I am passionate about it. I find people who aren't as passionate about food a bit annoying. My mistake, isn't food the fuel of life?.

My early experiences with continental dishes were traumatizing. Hence, I'd never look at fried rice the same way again. I grew up in a small town about 90 kilometers from the main city. I proudly admit that I had my first burger when I was 8 years old. It was Mr Biggs, on a trip to Lagos. The readily available snacks were cakes, chin-chin, meat-pies and pof-pof, but I wasn't content with that. I remember one of my trips where I walked through the souk savouring all the spices and herbs Northern Africa had to offer. One of the most colourful experiences of my life. Nostalgia* I was like a little kid in a candy store. From tumeric, paprika, cumin and coriander seeds. One of my favourite food shows in the world is Heston Blumenthals's 'In search of perfection' and owner of The fat Duck restaurant. He's made me fancy trying out a bit of my own kitchen science. Over the years I have developed an aesthetic palate for 'acquired tastes'. From fois gras to marmite, caviar to wasabi, smelly cheeses and teas from around the globe. A friend described me over the weekend 'Babe, there is a morbidly obese lady crying inside of you'. I took it in good faith, she meant well.

Someone made me smile today, she said "I have started having a deep appreciation for food. Thank you for your positive impact in my life". It was then i realized I was born to do this. To feed my passion (I know that sounds funny, but I love it). I am a proponent of traditional cooking styles. I can almost swear by it, but of course open to new techniques of cooking. I made a roast lamb over the weekend with slivers of garlic, mustard and Cameroon pepper...for some bizarre reason it was very tasty.

In the past in Abuja, while continental upscale restaurants have created annotated menus, I found Nigerian dishes quite elusive until recently- I must say I am quite impressed with the famous 'designer stew' and 'ofada' that has come to tantalize our taste buds and stay.

I have learnt a few tips over the years that I am willing to share about food.

1. If you are going to eat meat as a staple, at least have it medium rare if you can stand the redness. Its almost sinful to eat it well done.

2. When cooking with wine, if it isn't good for drinking, it isn't good for cooking.

3. You should try everything at least once. It wont kill you.

M'je

My Oughtobiography!

Oughtobiography! Ought-to-Biography...I guess this defines itself. Its the account of things I ought to do in my life, that I haven't done.

My inspiration for this blog? Well, there was a certain expatriate that works in the family company who suddenly passed away in his sleep on my birthday. He was 37. May God grant his soul repose. Amen!

I came back to the news and been shocked ever since. Its just provided me a new lease to life, knowing that death is no respecter of persons (As if i didn't know that before. If that was the case my dad will still be here). No one, is safe. He slept and didn't wake up. End of story. Full stop. Shineka. No answers. He was a hard worker, tall, charismatic and some sort of eye candy if you care for my opinion. That is. We would all die...OMG, I don't wanna go now!

Anyway, I have lived life like it was the last. Enjoying everything to the max, in full intricate detail, in case the unexpected....

So here are a list of things I want to do before the unexpected....

1. Travel on the Trans-Siberian railway....then write a book!

2. Climb Kilimanjaro

3. Visit Paris with someone I LOVE (Yeah, shocking I know....I have been almost everywhere and never been to Paris...there is a reason...and its a valid one)

4.Visit India... and put my feet in the river Ganges.

5. Visit 40 countries before I am 40!

6. Walk on hot coal... No kidding!

7. Ride an Elephant (I know its not biggie but...)

8. Do the colonic irrigation in Thailand.

9. Live life as a Geisha for a month....and write a book.

10. Fall recklessly in love. Have a husband and triplets or quadruplets. (Changed my mind about have 1 or 2)....and write a book.

So what do you want to do? Would be interesting to know. List 5 things you want to do before the unexpected.... Bye for now.

M'je