Saturday, 30 January 2010

Fight or Flight?!

"DATE, DATE, DATE, DATE" he groaned audibly. "I cant stress it enough, there is no alternative to dating" my mentor of over 15 years said. I paused, waiting for him to finish. "You can only be able to establish a friend or a fiend when you date for a minimum of one year" he kept at it. I didn't believe him, why would i? When I can see my biological clock rapidly sprinting away.
"You cant really know a person's true character anyway even if you date for 5 years" came my riposte. "Anyway I saw my future husband yesterday and i am dragging him by the hair (kicking and screaming) to the alter in June" I joked. I always joke :)

It is common knowledge or rather a reoccurring trend among some young couples in Nigeria these days. They meet in December and by March they are married and by September, Divorced. Finito. End of story.

"How can you not know a person has halitosis and BO combined, or is a philanderer, or has a love affair with porn or even know if the person is a lazy slob, who cant do the dishes?" He continued. "You should be able to simulate reactions Mamuje", he kept going "Call him/her at the middle of the night and complain about your health, the first reaction with tell you the character of that person". My dear, he continued "you should be able to know how his equipment works. Shag him, fuck him, explore every part of his anatomy. Do whatever possible to attain sexual gratification and KNOW him. In fact you have to live together at some point" Words of a very wise somebody! You should see my chesire cat grin!

I listened attentively as he told me of his search of perfection for his marriage. Months and lots of money spent on therapy. He analysed the 'flight or fight' scenario etc etc I was drowning in all of the facts. He went on to explain how technology had made the institution of marriage more challenging. Marriages have been streamlined with the influx of Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and even my favourite 'sin' the 'Blackberry. Fact. When you find out your lover/husband/wife is receiving lurid text messages from a certain somebody, it could end your relationship in an instant. Why would you not know you partner snores like a plane crash in mid air (or my personal favourite- snoring like a thousand cats simultaneously circumcised with a blunt razor blade) before you marry him/her?...Maybe the snoring progressed as the marriage regressed. Ha!
How wont you know a man is abusive if you followed due diligence by dating him effectively and simulating him? Or how wont you know he/she is tied to the family's apron strings? A no-gooder etc? How could you not know?!

What I learnt from our discussion:
Fight- Stay and work on your marriage or relationship. Learn to compromise. Bring the separate elements together that makes the institution of a relationship or marriage enjoyable. There is no bad person in a relationship. There is only a bad situation in a relationship- but with the right ingredients it can be made good. Both participants have to acknowledge that and have the desire to work on it
Flight- Break up. Move on. Divorce!

I am glad I had that discussion with him. It has changed my perspective about a whole lot of issues and unanswered questions. I have 2 weddings to attend in a month and they both met their future spouses in less than 6 months. Heaven help me to have an unbiased opinion, Heaven help them to make it through !!!

M'je

Friday, 22 January 2010

Psuedo Gold-digger!

I finally found my calling in Life.
Someone asked me the other day about what I want to do considering I am recently unemployed.
‘What would make you truly happy, what’s your passion?’ He enquired
‘You mean besides food and travel?’ I retorted
‘Yes’ as he waited patiently for me to comport myself.
Hmmm….Ideally I would like to be a woman of leisure’ I replied
‘And what would that entail?’ He continued as if speaking to a kindergarten pupil.

This is where I am in my natural element. For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a woman of leisure. I remain baffled when I meet women who have a knack for the daily struggles in life. I am African and believe women are to be treated like princesses. They are meant to be protected, worshiped and adored. They are dainty creatures who should walk on bounty fluffy clouds most of the at ALL times. At the back of my head I believe I was born on earth for enjoyment (I am drawn towards the finer things in life- Note, I said drawn!).
  • I also believe it’s my right to meet someone who is insanely rich, powerful (Like a president or like Don Corleone) and financially handsome. My calling in life is to spend someone’s money (not mine) and enjoy it while doing so. *triple sigh*
  • I also believe it is my right to win a lot of money (even though I don’t play the lottery or gamble).
  • I believe someday someone I barely know (possibly one of those people who send random emails on yahoo yahoo) will bequeath me a huge sum of money that will last over 5 generations.
  • Or the very certain one of marrying a man 50 years older, shag his brains out and hoping he wills every single penny he owns to me. Yeah I have a very warped mind.
Sometimes I imagine myself lying by the pool in my palatial Spanish-style villa, in my oversized Moss Lipow sunglasses, flaunting my surgically enhanced body (I would be having a full body lift and massive perky tits and the rhinoplasty I always wanted) and ordering a couple dozen of domestic staff who would grovel at my every demand/request/order. Fly out (private jets only please!) to Spain spontaneously just for El-Bulli’s culinary delight. Own a fleet of yachts docked in Monte Carlo. Own a dazzling array of shiny Triumphs and Ducattis for my own thrill seeking alter-ego. Have somebody who holds up my umbrella like they do for P.Diddy. Have caviar and toast for breakfast every morning and drink Earl grey tea like the queen of England. Wake up!!!

I wonder who came up with the concept of ‘Work’?! The song ringing in my head is Tracy Chapman’s Mountain O’ things.

Ideally in utopia, I should be an aristocratic woman of leisure. In reality I have to work. I am 'grudgingly' looking forward to upcoming interviews next week. Wish me luck! :-D

M’je

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

The untimely exit of a debutanté

Have you suddenly hit your thirties and realized you’ve lost your swagger mojo?. Well, you are not alone. I am there now. My thoughts drifted back to 2005 when I was in my prime. Svelte, sexy and brimming with verve. I was the envy of all eyes. I would always dress to the hilt, wear my hair extensions like a wild cat, pout my lips, sashay like a gazelle and pull 2 or 3 guys in one night. I would attract the likes of young city professionals and dined with the nouveau riche who exposed me to a bit of savoir-vivre. Rode on ducattis, jumped off a plane, raved in scantily clad outfits. I was the belle of the ball. It was my time, I was reveling in it. Basking in life’s euphoric moment that was supposed to last forever.

In what seemed like a week, 5 years rolled by and everything changed. I don’t feel svelte and sexy anymore. The competition is stiff. There is a new herd of debutantes invading the scene. They are feisty, confident and power dressers….and they are absolutely delightfully young! They are the ones the guys want to toast/chase/spin. It’s about them now. *see beef*. It doesn't help matters when you go out to the bars or parties, even if you apply all the make-up fit enough for a geisha or wear the trendiest outfits, the crow's feet around your tired eyes tell a different tale. How I miss them days when I was much, much younger and insistently stupid. Reality has set in, the curtains have been drawn.I am in the older crowd. (I wonder what stories I'd have to tell a decade from now?). More than ever, I wish I could be frozen in time at this very minute. Any strategies on how to stay ahead in the game?

These days I count myself very fortunate if I pull 1 normal guy in a month. I remain eternally confused as to why the men that are drawn to me now are pot bellied, middle aged and married…The rate at which this is happening, I might just gravitate into oblivion. So much for the natural process of evolvement! *kissing my teeth again*

M'je

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Would a death sentence be justified?

Over the last couple of years (particularly stemming from the NigerDelta) Nigeria has seen an increase in organized crime *as if its anything new*. Kidnapping to be precise, has become rife in recent years. I never paid any heed until its poisonous waters have started drowning people I care about. (True! I wouldn't really lose sleep over people I don't know.) Besides the occasional Ooh! and Aah!! When you hear such news, what could you possibly do? Nothing! I actually find protesters who carry placards to the Nigerian government house particularly amusing. Not abrasive enough!

Anyway, the gist of the matter is we are hardly safe in our homes. Last June, one of our employees was kidnapped. He was released a week later after an undisclosed ransom was paid. My friend's dad was kidnapped as well and released a few days later after a hefty ransom was paid. Last week my mum called me to say our family doctor was kidnapped, he has just been released after a ransom was paid.... and another...and another... They are so gutsy they pick you up from your gate or work place or even in front of the supermarket. Sheer impudence!

Last week I heard about a woman kidnapped with a 5 month old baby. Kidnappers demanded a ransom. As they were about to pick the money from 'said' location, they were apprehended by law enforcement (police). 2 of them, they had a third ally..Mother and baby were later discovered in a village outskirts of town with some cattle herders (I cant begin to imagine what state they were in). Long story short. Third ally is one of our family driver. The driver denied vehemently his involvement in the abduction. Unfortunately for him, flippancy didn't do him any justice when he casually mentioned to someone a week earlier that kidnapping had become lucrative. I don't know if he did it. Frankly I don't care...he had grown on me as he is very respectful and obedient...I still don't care. I have witnessed first hand how this new wave of crime causes pain and suffering to families (When this happens, you cant sleep..you worry about the person abducted and the ones around you for fear of another abduction). I also worry for my family's safety amongst other trials we face in this country. First it was armed robbery..now its kidnapping...

I hear the Nigerian senate has recently passed a new bill that kidnappers (if found) will be brought to the books- Death penalty or Life imprisonment! If the driver is found guilty and sentenced. I wont miss him at all.

M'je

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Meandering through the journey......

......called career
I did something really weird 2 days ago. I would have blogged about it then but I wasn't sure. My patience was tested and I couldn't handle it any more so I had to make a decision. OK, OK, enough of faffing about in the bush. I handed in my notice to quit my job...... I know, I shock myself sometimes. I have about 7 days to tie up loose ends and I am a free woman. Yes, a free and petrified young woman. Who quit her job as she couldn't stand the heat in the kitchen any longer. Those who know the Nigerian banking industry know what I am talking about. An industry chock-full of porous policies that favour neither staff nor client *kissing my teeth*. I needn't say more! I am quite upset about the whole incident.

I wouldn't say its a doozy, quitting your job when you don't have another lined is actually 'applied stupidity' but then again, I consider myself an extremely brave lady. Reoccurring headaches for 5 weeks is no joke. I was quite taut from worrying myself..not anymore. I am also busy nowadays doing stuff that will bring me joy. (I am as relieved as the picture above....well...only just).

On a tangent I broke my resolve to stop eating out. The steak was too juicy to resist :). Also I may be coming down with a fever as I have been feeling a bit under the weather. Earlier in the week I was savagely raped by a gazillion mosquitoes in my bedroom. Gutsy little insects. My stomach looks/feels like farm ridges. I am traumatized. I am currently taking some malaria preventive drugs as I am loosing dexterousness. Until later folks.

M'je

Monday, 4 January 2010

Happy New Year from Hector & Mamuje!

Waoh...let me begin by saying a BIG Happy new year to the citizens of blogsville. The holiday has been good to me. I went to Calabar for the carnival (but missed it, not a problem) and Tinapa. I got back and its been amazing spending time with friends. My friends decided to cheer me up (chose that week to grieve my dad) by going to this lovely Italian place for new year's eve countdown as opposed to going to church. It was simply amazing. Best NY eve yet.... A few of us decided to organize a barbecue a couple of days later. We had planned for 15 guests, but knowing how things work in Nigeria we decided to go the extra mile. We had 45 guests and they loved my garlic bread and goat cheese salad....the couscous with roasted pepper salad was simply irresistible! Yay!

The downside was, I made a conscious decision to cut ties with a childhood friend of mine. I think our friendship had reached the end of the road, it hurts but its for the best. Anyone who wont add value to my life should be cut off. A good friend of mine is going through a divorce (weird as it may, she couldn't be happier) and I am worried about her. My missing vibrator is yet to be found (as it is a serious issue)....we are still looking as I have had it for 5 years. it/her name was 'Sally'! My friend says we should conduct a sexual forensics to find it :D

On a lighter note. My heart throb got to me just after Christmas, Santa couldn't have done a better job. Anyway I have decided to name it/him 'Hector' (after my imaginary boyfriend). Ok, after a fictional character in a book. I particularly like the name as its exudes strength, intrepidity and power. :). I think it/he should be nominated for the 'beacon of sexual gratification!' (yeah I am passionate about my toys like that)....... Like I said I wont make any new year resolutions, but I have a 2 month detox plan. I have decided to STOP eating out at fancy restaurants, Totally Cold turkey on this one! I have decided to cook every meal I enjoy in the comfort of my home, harness my culinary skills and save myself a lot of cash.

I am already seeking my daily bread albeit languid from excessive consumption of meat and unspecified potent alcoholic liquids during the holidays. Kai! Overall, I am really excited about this year. I don't know why but I guess one has to stay positive to survive. Oh, by the way I am deciding to take blogging more seriously, you can add me on facebook: Mamuje's Blogs. Until next time.

M'je