Sunday, 27 March 2011

Demystifying The African Time!

I got this inspiration to write about this from Ginger's blog. 

I don't know if it's an African thing/Theme but the most prevalent perpetrators are the people around me. Nigerians and their attitude towards time. Other people's time. A complete oblivion or disregard for what other people hold dear. TIME. I believe this topic has been mauled to death....but this is my own take on it.

Ever wondered why you invite someone for your birthday party and they show up 2 hours later with no valid excuse but the usual "I didn't want to be first here"? I think it reeks of insecurity.

Ever wondered why you show up for a 12pm flight to Lagos from Abuja and you don't take off until 4 hours later? Oh, the real reason is because they don't have enough planes and the ones available need working on. But of course no one has the balls to tell you that.

Ever showed up for an interview and waited 5 hours only to be told the boss decided to leave last minute to deal with some issues.? When the real reason is that the person really couldn't be arsed. *this happened to me 3 years ago when I just returned from the UK. I was so livid that I didn't return for the rescheduled interview*

Ever noticed how some people (including myself) habitually go to church late....? And in most cases never stay till the end of Service. I am
only ever interested in the Sermon. Which shouldn't be so. *the service actually goes on longer that they say it would, I believe your word should your bond. Even in Church*

Ever wondered why you go to a concert and they artist doesn't show up until 3 hours later and when 'it' mounts the stage, the fans are still up in a frenzy when the artist should in fact be pelted with bricks. :)

In all of this I remain eternally mortified as to why (unless something grave happens) I haven't met anyone who was deliberately late to the American Embassy? Deliberately late for a BA flight to Heathrow. Or in Abuja where people sit in waiting rooms for 8 hours waiting to see a minister and the people wait gladly. I am yet to meet the individual who would saunter leisurely to a visa interview. It doesn't happen. In fact
some people pay money to be first in line....until the new restructured visa application process. Which makes me come to the conclusion that no one has 'lateness' in them, it just boils down to how much regard they have for your time as a friend, lover, job seeker, fan, customer, employer, visa applicant and overall GOD! It boggles your mind, doesn't it?

M'je

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

My Body is Revolting....!

Well.... I have noticed some changes with my body since I started going to the gym intensely over the last couple of weeks. My weight has stayed the same for the last 2 weeks which makes me feel good and bad.... Good because I believe my fat is turning into muscles....Bad because....well just because. I expect the pounds to peel off my body. Slide or melt off...whatever! Wouldn't be bad to lose another 5 kilos in a heartbeat.

There is the problem of the breast. My breasts. I have watched my breast grow into an E cup and plummet to a B cup with no advance warning in the past. Right now, they currently feel like shrivelled tomatoes. I am not happy.

Then there is the problem of my stomach, my beer gut....like I said, my stomach lives in it's own zip code. How else can I explain thinner arms and shanks yet a kwashiorkor type look..? I have been dreading the crunches. Crunches or sits ups scare me to death. So last Friday my trainer made me do crunches..... Into the 25th crunch I heard something snap in my neck. He thought I was pretending so as not to do anymore.... Long story short, I was writhing in pain all day and cried all night. Next day. Hospital. X-ray. Then I was slapped with a dog collar around my neck all weekend. And the worst deep tissue massage in history. Unpretty! How stupid. who sprains their neck while doing sit-ups.?? Me!

My right arm has started to ache....playing squash 4 times a week is extremely strainous, it's not like I am training to be a professional athlete...Well, I consulted WebMD and I think some nerves are playing with me. It's intense and anytime I touch metal/steel, I feel a sharp pain around the joints. I think my body is telling me to slow down, eat more food and rest a bit. Working out 5 days a week for at least 90 minutes is not helping my rather frail body. The rate at which I am going my breasts will suddenly shrink to the size of dried figs or even raisins. *sigh*

The sit ups can wait. I will stick to cardio for now and take it one step at a time. With what's happening to my anatomy, this is more than an uprising....

M'je

Monday, 14 March 2011

The many variants of ignorance...

 The many faces of Ignorance...
... Ignorance is saying that Dubai Airport is the best airport in the world when you've only ever been to Dubai airport....and of course MMA. Lagos!

...Ignorance is saying that ALL Nigerians are stupid and judgemental just because all the Nigerians you know are stupid or judgmental or maybe both. Including yourself. (Did you pull the statistics from your butt crack?)

...Ignorance is saying that ALL Nigerians are fraudulent just because you have received a few scam emails from people posing as Nigerians.

...Ignorance is saying all Edo girls living in Italy and Europe are mainly prostitutes when in fact you don't know any Edo girl living in Italy. It's just hearsay.

...Ignorance is saying that the average Nigerian can afford a bottle of champagne when over 60% of the population live under 200 Naira a day. (can you even define average?)

...Ignorance is saying that anything made in China is fake or substandard when the stuff you fly over to the USA to buy is actually MADE in CHINA. Surprise!!!

...Ignorance is seeing someone after 5-10 years and you assume you know and can predict the person and not expect the person to have evolved over those years. Then you are a professional ignoramus!

...Ignorance is saying The UK is boring and bland and blah blah blah, when for the last 15 years you've been going to the UK all you've ever
visited is Brent Cross...and more recently Westfields... And all the different variations of Primark!

...Ignorance isn't bliss!

If you fall into any of this category then you need to go back to basics and be educated all over again about the true definition of 'some'
'many' 'a few' 'average' and of course ultimate word here the word 'Ignoramus'.

M'je

Thursday, 10 March 2011

The surest way to a man's heart...

.....is with Food, Sex.....or quite frankly...maybe a rusty fork :-)....

This morning while playing squash with my coach we got into a light banter. Going back and forth as I was shedding the pounds... We compared pounding yam to playing squash and that's where the roforofo ensued. He thinks a woman should pound yam for her man if she really loves him. I think a woman has no business pounding yam as it's too tedious. It's a man's job! You eat the pounded yam, so friggin' grab the mortar and bloody pestle and get to work. Dammit.

Coach: "You know the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and with sex?".....( I couldn't figure out whether he was asking me a question or telling me a fact! ....)
Me:(I paused) "I will have to disagree with you coach on that one".
Coach: A woman should be able to cook weeeeeelllll and give him satisfaction in bed.
Me: What if he has fantastic sex with a prostitute(and she is his regular) will he decide to spend the rest of his life with her then?
Coach: *he shrugs* well, you have a point there. (insert silly giggle here).
Me: If the way to a man's heart is through a nice meal and a great shag then I would probably been in my 7th year of marriage or maybe in my 4th marriage or maybe have 5 husbands at the same time.....whichever one has more significance. ( my mind drifted back to my Ann Summer days and the summer of 2006)
Coach: Heheheheheheheheheheheee
Me: *not wanting him to slow my game down* Well I am being honest. I mean if it was the case, the chefs and porn stars wont get divorced.... Or won't be lonely. I took the liberty of telling him of a couple of people i knew who where in solid marriages yet they could literarily BURN water!
Coach: .........
Me: what happens when sexual passion fizzles out? And you are tired of eating pounded yam,..... I think sex and a great meal is secondary to what men want. I believe a real man will take character over a good cook or mind blowing sex unless of course he is a professional idiot.
Coach: *mute*
Me: *oh dear, have I touched a nerve?*
Coach: I think sex should be the glue that binds them together...it should be an added plus.
Me: You are right, sex is vital. Cooking and sex can be taught. But character is ingrained. It's developed over time. Besides it's self sustaining...

I think we ended it there....(unresolved)..... I kinda felt the reverse should have been the case. I mean. I was trying to convince a grown ass man that character triumphed over Sex/food. Unbelievable! Anyway, it was good to get a man's perspective on that. The good news is I lost 6kg over the last 6 weeks. I am enjoying squash tremendously and I am taking swimming lessons too. By hook or by crook, I must sabi swim
That's all folks!

M'je

Friday, 4 March 2011

Oh No! It wasn't me.

Have you ever bumped into an EX or an old flame..... Someone you dated let's say 10/12 years ago and cringe and have a what the puck was I thinking moment? Well..... Yours truly has had it once....OK let's say a couple of times to be candid. I have been trying to get this client for a while now. I bumped into an old colleague of mine who suggested that my EX could broker the deal, by linking me up with the dude. Anyway I hadn't been in touch with my EX so I called him. And the conversation goes like this....but be warned. This dude is an Igbo guy and his igbotic accent is unparalleled. Kai! *hangs head in shame* well.... I was young and naive na! (No offense to the Igbo tribe)
Me: Hello.
IG: Hellor!
Me: Its me G.
IG: Ehen?
Me: Haba, it's me G from the bank.
IG: Ehen....talk na!
Me: Don't you know who is speaking? (my brain did a flip at this point because I can't believe I once shared bodily fluids with this caveman)
IG: How will I know. Am I a spirit? *Dead*!
Me: *After comporting myself* it's me G from.........
IG: Oh beby, My runaway wife. Where are you? Blah blah blah.

Only my best friend knew I dated him at he time. I couldn't bear to share it with anyone else. Well he was a very nice guy, brash but nice. In a fleeting moment I could almost transport myself into 2002 and wack myself hard in the face for ever giving him a second glance. I should
have known that then when he was guzzling champagne and Chinese on our first lunch date...that something was sordidly wrong with the
dude. Honestly, dude barely talked then! I mean who would have thunk it?! True, my dating career was in the pits then. But it's much much better now....I can assure you.

Some people are just stuck in a rut, frozen in time....or pure and simply put. UNCOUTH. You see them years later and you wonder what went wrong. I unashamedly denied any past alliances with him. I beg I no fit. No be me kill Anini jare! I mean 'Am i a spirit?' I think my brain froze and pulverized at the same time. Lol... Anyway, have you got one of those 'oh no, it wasn't me' moments. Please share!

M'je