Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Are you waiting for the perfect man?

I just finished this conversation with my older friend and feeling really encouraged. The insurmountable pressure from family to get hitched and relatives throwing jabs at you....and with news flying around that my niece was getting hitched....guess who panicked?
 As a child I have always fantasised about how my home would be...not really given too much thought about how my husband would be but I know for a long time I was hung up on Caucasians and it has taken the Grace of God to snap out of it. It was an indication of how I saw myself if I couldn't date or want to marry my own race.

Since I got back home, I can't say I have dated properly. Not properly. I woke up one morning and I haven't had a proper boyfriend in about 4 years and I was utterly and totally comfortable with it. I just wasn't meeting the right people. Then I realised I had to be bothered about it. At least, my family are very bothered, why shouldn't I? With the threat the new Millennium marriage poses should I still worry or count myself lucky that I have the wisdom to nitpick carefully before saying those words 'I do'

1. Charity gets married at 25 after dating Bolaji for 6 months. A shot gun wedding, 3 Children and  6 years down the line, Bolaji is still trying to 'find his feet'. Charity is frustrated with 3 children and she leaves the marriage.
2. My dear Temi got into a whirlwind romance after an MFM deliverance. She 'miraculously' found a husband. After the wedding (a multimillion Naira wedding celebration) she realised that the 'man' didn't have his own rented apartment. They were squatting with friends. 4 months later, she threw in the towel. She is single again.
3. Bisi works in a bank. She jointly financed her wedding, now she is paying the fees and the rent while her husband is still 'hustling'...she has resulted to going back to her former sugar daddy just to make ends meet. She is still trying to make her marriage work.
4. Ngozi had barely finished graduating, she met Paul who came on a visit from London and married him basically after the first shag. She got pregnant and after another shot-gun wedding she was in London 3 weeks later. 9 years after, Paul had never worked. They had always lived off 'benefit'. They both live off the UK tax payer and Paul cannot even pay his children's fees. Ngozi wants out of the marriage. We hear news she is already cheating.
5. Ruth meets the man of her dreams. She marries him...he dies 2 months after the wedding, she is 1 month pregnant. 7 years later Ruth is still trying to pick up the pieces of her life with her son.
6. Rotimi and Etim have been married for 6 and 8 years respectively. They have no children of their own. Every night they are drinking at their local watering hole, slapping girl's bottoms and refusing to go home to their wives.
7. Anita, has been married for a year, no child. She is gorgeous but her husband is constantly cheating on her with a divorced woman with 3 children. She is still weeping.
....I could go on and on and on....changing names to these real life situations.

The present situation
I thank God that I am still single and that I didn't get married when I was in my 20s. I am very sure I would be very unhappy, I would be out of the marriage by now. It's not about being picky. I have a lot to offer a man so therefore I have every right to Cherry-pick who I am going to spend the rest of my life with. He has to fear GOD, He has to be kind, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a kind person.. He has to be a good communicator, FUNNY, He has to have a career, he has to be ambitious or have a plan and I must align with the plan. At least dude, live in a 2 bedroom flat. Have a vehicle (I didn't say drive a RANGE ROVER and live in a BQ) and most importantly, A DREAM!....Until then, I will wait.

Ladies, if marriage is where you are going to spend the rest of your life. What's the point in rushing into it?



Toinlicious said...

I am sending this link to a friend right now!

Enitan said...

I couldn't agree more with you M'je, i couldn't agree more. I have a friend who's mid-twenties, getting married to her 5yr long distance man. She lives abroad, he in Nigeria. He's not wanting to move here, chariots of fire won't move her to Nigeria. I asked her why she wanted to marry someone who's plans couldn't merge with her. When she replied with 'because we want to be married' i stopped talking.

p.s i keep stalking here for more pictures of your food and you're behind o! :o)

Daughter of Her King said...

wow...well written..

its as if the Holy Spirit minsitered to us both @ the same time... I just just wrote a post on this.

Firs time here, Toinlicious posted your link on my blog and came to check it out..

Great minds think alike.. *winks*

You have spoken well and i dare say the analogies are well put together. Like you I am happy and precisely SINGLE AND SECURED. lol... not single and searching. ahahahha


Myne Whitman said...

Why indeed the rush? Very hard hitting post, wish some of us women would ask ourselves questions before being overtaken by pressure, internal and external.

Miss M said...

I can so relate to everything you say. I myself have always wanted to marry a Caucasian (or any other race really) and the only thing it should say about me is that i like 'inter-racial breeding' :D.
I am glad for this post because it just helps me see that i am not crazy for holding out and not wanting to settle for anything less. People try to talk you down, tell you to "reduce your standards" all the while forgetting that they aren't going to be in the marriage with you (hopefully) and forgetting about the millions of marriage-woe tales that abound.
As for me; Yeah i am searching but in the famous words of Whitney Houston (God rest her soul) "I'd rather be alone than unhappy".

Luciano said...

no better way to put it.
marriage is for LIFE.......i sure can wait for somebody i'll be comfortable spending it with

'Lara said...

I am so sitting my arse in singlehood fraternity till I meet the man who measures up to my list, not been picky but then if I want to have a life time marriage then I should get what I want.

Mamuje said...

Enitan- I feel so sorry for your friend. That should be awful. As for food pictures, I am setting up a proper website which should be running effective in a week or so, there you can go sample recipes, full with pictures put up as well. Sorry for the delay. in the meantime follow me on FB on
Thanks x

Daughter of her King- Its really the spirit. I felt someone needed encouragement like I did. Thanks for visiting x

Myne- A few women are lucky to meet the their missing rib-case but not in all cases. I believe marriages are under spiritual attack so we must be vigilant when walking into it.

Miss M- Truth is, more men have shown more interest in me since I have raised my standards. When i think of giving in, all i have to do is think of a lot of unhappy marriages around me and head is held up high again.

Luciano- Well said.

'Lara- Oh yes!

Hugs everyone xox

Amy said...

This is just a testament that women should never lower their standards for marriage! Although I dont agree with lowering standards I think sometimes women need to realign their standards since there are times when their prince charming comes in a different package from what they envisioned. I always thought I would marry a Nigerian guy and only dated Nigerians. In my situation the relationships always ended up sour. I had a long talk with a friend and that conversation inspired me to be open to educated, Christian men of all races. It had never occured to me to date a non-Nigerian before. That one move opened up a plethora of amazing men into my dating pool and I ended up marrying the best thing that ever happened to me!

Mamuje said...

Amy- Well said. I didnt add that I am now open minded....first this is he has to be a Christian then he and I have to be walking towards the same path in terms of views, goals and aspiration.

If a woman is hung up on looks and pizzazz then I'd say she has a problem. All in all, never lower your standards or even apologize for them... The right person will rise up to meet them.

Tiyan said...

You are back!!!!! Where is the food? I am not on FB so please let us have the website link as soon as it is live.

Rushing into marriage is just as dangerous as marrying someone you have dated for 6 years because it is the expected thing to do. Marriage is hard work and it is not for everybody. Having good Companionship puts us in good state of mind and well being but knowing marriage ought to be for the long haul, extra diligent and careful consideration must be put into making that decision.

mstizzle said...

I'll join the others to say well said!

Umm...will I have to prove I'm not a robot all the time?

sania julley said...

i feel to be proud after read your article. Actually its a need of human and Developing is must for us in successful life. Detrol

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