Mamuje's Tattletale Diaries

What you dont see on FACEBOOK!

2012-01-20T13:45:00.006+01:00

She updated her status for the umpteenth time in 12 hours 'Off to lunch at the OXO tower'...as I sneered with envy. Its either she is sky diving or globetrotting in South America.... clocking up the miles.
-When she goes home night she cries because she hasn't had a date in 8 months and no man wants to be with her for her attitude stinks to the high heavens. For all you know, she may be trying to 'belong'.

She posts her picture of her palatial mansion on Facebook. Fluffy lapdog by her side, while a diamond bracelet dangles on her bony wrists. She pouts. I hate her annoying pout. It doesn't change the fact that she has my dream kitchen and has 4 kitchen staff. She displays all on FB for all to see. We look and envy and wish we were like her. We wish we can have a glimpse of what her life is like.
-When she goes homes at night... the man who provides all of these for lays his hands on her at will. No one sees her black eye.

He is off to Jamaica this time. Picture perfect... he has grown a little bulge from all the gorgeous Caribbean indulgence. He is frolicking with scantily clad bikini women with taut bottoms. He is envied by how many he has scored. He shows another picture of a nice buffet spread with all the tasty delicacies Kingston town can offer.
-What you don't see is that the inspiration behind his Jamaican trip was his recent divorce. His wife banged his best friend. His heart aches badly. He is binging on food and rum and darn he cant get his hands off spliff. Shagging scantily clad women is the last thing on his mind.

She updates her status about her dad and how much he was her best friend and all that jazz. She went all crazy on FB when he died. She lost her best buddy, her anchor, her pillar. She lost the ying to her yang.
-What you don't see is how she truly feels about him. She is indifferent about him. She may even hate him.

She is married to a rich man who owns all the choice cars. She is jetting from Country to Country. She is married to a busy professional who is barely around. He is too busy.
-What you don't know is that he cant stand her guts. Its only a matter time he will walk out on her.

She keeps posing and pouting and updating every minute she is at a pool party, house party, party party. Owambe and all of them...
-What you don't know is that she has failed her professional exams for the 3rd time.

We hardly ever see what's behind the scenes. Do not get carried away by people's status updates or profile pictures or Home Videos. We never even see beyond the smiles and perfect pictures. Things are hardly what they seem. If a life seems too perfect...then it probably is. So the next time you see an update saying 'I Am Happy'..... take a step back and say 'If you are so happy why do you feel the strong conviction to force it down our throats?'. On that note I say MAY OUR LIVES BE AS AWESOME AS WE PRETEND IT TO BE ON FACEBOOK.
Happy New Year Darliiinnnngs x

I know its a tad late. Its been a very hectic year and my puppy Latte died last week. She is in a better place

M'je

What are you thankful for?

2011-12-29T11:13:00.006+01:00

I was chatting with Ms K the other day and we shared our Christmas stories and she asked me what I got for Christmas. I said nothing. She thought that was odd and she shared her endless list of Christmas pressies which included a coat, perfume...blah, blah and more blah.... It kept me wondering. Pondering. I did not do anything for Christmas and New Year because I had to make sacrifices. Give gifts for the Christmas. To people who needed them and I look at my shelve its bare. The only cards/diaries in my office are from clients who I have done a significant amount of business with. Which is pathetic actually... Oh and a load of generic Yuletide text messages which I don't subscribe to anyway. Not even from my staff who got hefty bonuses and a week off during the holiday (considering this is my busiest season) and not even a Christmas card to say thanks. Only one of them sent a 'thank you' text and came late to work the next day. I can't say I am pleased about it. I am quite miffed actually that people just assume you owe them. I have come to the conclusion that humans are programmed that way. We take things for granted. We forget.

I woke up this morning (well its been like that for a few months) and barely said a prayer. All that concerned me was getting to the shop and getting on with business for the day. How would God feel? I have taken for granted 'life' because I get it everyday. I kinda know the importance of a grateful heart NOW as I grow older and have more responsibilities and have to deal with ungrateful people who are under my care. I guess it's the same way my creator feels when he knows he can take me anytime he pleases. I guess that's why we encounter new challenges and obstacles as a reminder that we have a creator and maker who we run to in time of need.

So as 2012 draws closer, all I care about is a heart of gratitude. I just want to give thanks to God for sparing my life everyday, for my family for my health, food and everything else in between. I am certain that a heart of gratitude is the way to bring more into my life so....He must feel really awful about my ingratitude. I don't think my life is more precious to him than my brother who died untimely in October or more precious that those who were killed in the bomb blast in church while I was snoring comfortably in my bed. I am not better than them.

So on that note I ask you: Have you said your thanks today?

M'je

Pic from google images

How to spend a Billion on feeding annually

2011-12-21T15:09:00.008+01:00

It recently came to light that there has been an allocation of N1Billion Naira ($6Million) for our President's 2012 feeding allowance. As a foodie and enjoyment minister I was particularly interested as to how they would achieve that in Aso rock. Unfortunately I have champagne tastes on a beer salary but given the chance I would know how to spend the money...so i stole sometime out today to create a budget on how I would spend $6M on feeding if I was the first lady of the nation... This comes with the entire package from the choicest ingredients, to the logistics then the manpower... not forgetting the sycophants. Remember, if you have a billion Naira to spend on food annually, your sycophants will come in droves.

Here is how to do it Mamuje style:

A Michelin star chef’s ANNUAL salary is $150,000 (N24,900,000)

A Sous Chef ANNUAL salary is $45,000 (N7,470,000)

5 Kitchen Assistants $20,000 each/ $100,000 (N16,600,000)

Private Jet Flights to bring in food- $237,600 (N39,441,600)

Vintage wines. Lafite Rothschild wines. 240 bottles. $68,400 (N22,708,800).

Louis XIII Remy Martin cognac. 20 bottles $70,000 (N11,620,000)

2 pounds of Saffron $22,000

Caviar $10,000

Kobe Beef $15,000

When I am feeling peckish i’d hop on a private jet to Italy to eat one of the most expensive pizzas in the world. Valued at 8300 Euro, can be tasted in Italy. With generous toppings of caviar and lobster, the pizza has a diameter of 20cm and Louis XIII Remy Martin cognac poured all over it. (N1,826,000) Afterall a common Beyonce once flew in curry from the UK to the US via private jet because she loved it so much. I could easily just have a pizza party for 83,000 Euros for pizza alone.

Kopi Luwak Sumatra coffee $2000

The collosseo Oro kitchen for a staggering $480,000

Wedgwood Crystal $300,000 (Includes Decanters, Goblets, Champagne flutes, brandy glasses, fruit bowls etc)

Truffles $5000 If you think the truffles I am talking about are chocolates then you have no business with allocating a budget of N1Billion for feeding in the first place. Hian!

So far, I have managed to spend (in my mind) a whooping $1.6M (about N264 M) and thats stretching it. Even if you include all the starch and banga the Bayelsans can eat. It still wont cut it. I can see our future slowly disintegrating into quick sand. The same president who was supposed to come save the people is now eating our coffers clean. Where are the GEJ enthusiasts when you need them? They've all suddenly become deaf, dumb and stupid. It is well with Nigeria.

M'je

Pic gotten from google images
Info gotten from wacky facts online

Holiday-ting.

2011-12-19T17:05:00.005+01:00

Compliments of the season my blog fam. Its been a minute and a bit again. The month of December is my busiest period and I have barely stopped to catch my breath. This year has been the most trying business wise. I learnt a lot from past business mistakes, all the errors came to bite me in the ass. There is no friend or family in business. IF you must do, then do so wisely. So I am picking up the pieces and making the most/best of it. You live and learn, they say.

My mission in the last quarter of the year is to give dating a chance. (Like seriously, I mean)... I cant believe how tasking and daunting it can be. From picking the appropriate outfit to choosing a suitable place etc etc. There is a tiny voice inside of me praying fervently for God to bring that special someone so I don't have to endure boring dinners and conversations. My life is a soap opera I tell ya.

I have been so busy and been getting quite forgetful lately. Too forgetful in fact. Last week I forgot one sandal at the supermarket. No! I wasn't trying out shoes there, they don't even sell shoes there. I just forget and when I got back to the office I realized I was a sandal short. Please don't ask.....then on Friday I forgot my handbag at a customers office. So i decided to take Saturday off and sleep it off.

Yesterday, I had a Christmas party for my friends. It was the biggest event I have ever had at my place. It was swell. Like literally, my knees are swollen from too much komole dancing. I made a nice spread. From pepper soup to Puff puff and then my ever so popular ram stew.... one amazing guest brought Palm-wine. It was a blast. You know you had a great party when you have guests passed out on the couch the next morning.

I'd be working over Christmas. That's what I do. Not going out of town like I'd normally do. Frankly, I am too skint too go anywhere as I had my fair share of holidays in 2011. Don't know what 2012 will bring.... but I am optimistic.

In other news. I have NO opinion about Bishop Oyedepo slapping the 'witch for Jesus' nor do I have an opinion about the new toll fee for Lekki residents.... or even the 14 year jail-term for homosexuals who marry in Nigeria because I cant make any sense out of it. *insert blank stare*

What will you be doing for Christmas?

M'je

Mi pasión es su pasión.

2011-11-30T15:34:00.006+01:00

Ok! I have been having conversations lately regarding my passion for food.... or lets say (apart from being incredibly busy selling booze) I have been cooking up a storm. Trying out new recipes and trying to follow my dream on way or another, without taking my eyes off the ball. I need adequate resources to pursue my passion. I just moved into a spanking new office which is supposed to help me focus more on what I need to do and I am loving it. That aside.

I have had friends, acquaintances... those who I have had the privilege of cooking for tell me to open a restaurant more than a thousand times. Honestly, I find it laughable yet flattering that people think my food is restaurant quality. I think otherwise. Besides, I think there are a myriad of ways to explore the cooking passion/talent apart from opening a restaurant. I could be a food author, Food photographer, Offer cooking lessons, Start a cooking show etc.. The possibilities are even endless. Just because I cook well doesn't mean I can sell food. Not everyone who sings in the shower will go on to make XFactor and sell tons of records... well, that's how life is. Some people are happy just to share their passion with family and friends. Nothing more. If it works out that you make money out of your passion, fine. I started selling booze by chance and I think it worked out incredibly well. Not because I love to drink ;-) Although my mates may feel otherwise. As a child my parents always felt I would make a brilliant lawyer because I could argue and talk for the whole of Gibraltar. Thank heavens I never did. I would have been a crap lawyer! I don't have the patience for it.

In closing, what I am saying is simply to live and enjoy your passion. Not because society expects that you should become something cause you are good at it. Its not always all about the money. Although the money will always come in handy. Just because you are good in bed doesn't mean you'd go on to become a prostitute. Enough said.

M'je

The snooperholic!

2011-11-25T11:21:00.006+01:00

So she comes crying to me the other day. Bloodshot eyes. Puffy cheeks and whatnot. It was my birthday and I wasn't going to allow her dampened mood cut short my joy. I knew what she needed. Sadly or 'Unsadly' I am the straight talking- brutally honest woman and not afraid to tell it like it is. I told her to come over lets talk about it. Before she even started I gave it to her fair and square "If you have no plans of leaving your fiancee for good why snoop around on him. What good is that going to do for you?".... I cant for the life of me understand why some women want to give themselves unnecessary heartache. I learnt. I learnt very early on in my dating career that what you don't know doesn't kill you. Besides I don't need to know everything....just enough information to make me happy. I do not condone cheating from either party. But if you are going to forgive your boyfriend after he cheats why even bother snooping around in the first place?

This is a no-brainer. Why find out he is cheating then forgive him afterwards?

Let me a tell you a story. A few years ago I walked into my boyfriend chatting with his Ex... I peered over his shoulder and could see my name on google chat. When he went for a run I opened his computer and checked his chat history and lo and behold, my worst fears were confirmed. For days it felt like a pairing knife was nested in my chest. I confronted him about a week later. He turned it on me and broke up with me. I was crushed. He couldn't deal with the lack of trust. I quickly learned that if you love someone and not ready to cause yourself unnecessary wahala then let sleeping dogs lie. Pointing out that he is cheating and taking him back is like flogging a dead horse. I am against animal cruelty jor.

It beats me when some women go the extra mile to rat out their cheating husbands. Fight with his concubine as if its solely 'her' fault... acquire amateur detective skills yet stay with the cheat. Why raise your blood pressure unnecessarily? Going through your partner's phone/facebook account/ email is certainly a No No and I would be mortified if a man goes through my phone. Sorry, I wont allow it. I may not have anything to hide but my phone and email are certainly none of your business unless we have a joint email account or phone. Sadly, a cheat doesn't change because you accuse him/her and threaten to leave him/her a thousand times. He will keep cheating because you have allowed it happen once.... same applies to women bashers and the likes.

Zip it or end the relationship. If you have too much time on your hands, invest in a hobby, sport or hone your cooking skills. Stop whining and then take him back. Worse than a dog going back to its vomit.

M'je

Photo from google images

Happy Birthday to me!!!

2011-11-21T05:25:00.005+01:00

Its my birthday today and I am grateful to God for adding another blessed year to my years. I am grateful because I have had a drama-free year. This year has been about taking charged and re-aligning my steps, so its been grand. I also have the privilege of sharing this amazing day with some famous celebs. Goldie Hawn, Bjork, Cherry Jones and the sexy Nicollete Sheridan.

Did you also know the cartoon character Tweety bird was created today? I bet you didnt. Anyway, my name is Gina and I just turned 'tati too'. I am loving every minute of it.

M'je

Weddings & Phobias...

2011-11-14T17:07:00.005+01:00

As a little girl I remember being dressed up in dowdy and sometimes horrid outfits and joined the flower girl or little bride parade. I must have loved it. I probably thrived on it as i got to wear the heels that I loved so much. I had big feet so by age 8 I got my first sling back nude heels. Size 38. Most of all, I am sure my mum was keen to show off her only daughter as I must have played the flower girl role to at least half a dozen of my aunts' weddings. I will never forget one in 1988. I remember that one especially because I was dressed up in the most hideous dress ever. It was fuchsia pink and black stripes and it had cheap black lace on the collar. I made a decision early in life that I didn't want to have a bridal train. I was clearly traumatized.

As the years went on weddings lost their flair. I come from a large family and I had to be there for almost every function. Then out of the blue I just stopped attending Weddings/Christenings altogether. Even that of relatives.

Over the weekend I tried to re-collect all the weddings I have been to over the last 10 years. There has been at least 4 weddings annually between my friends and family and I have barely attended any. I have missed my closest friends weddings. Travelling to another town/state for a wedding is actually a big deal for me. To give you an idea, I have missed the weddings of 3 half sisters and I deliberately didn't go for my dad's remembrance (even though all my siblings went0. My excuse?. I just didn't want to be there. I am good at NOT giving any explanations. I also hate going to children's birthdays. Concerts are a No No. I wont call it a social phobia as I don't mind going to bars/restaurants with friends or alone as I can just zone out and pretend we are the only ones in the room. When aso-ebi matter enter, count me out!

Anyway, now i think its posing as a problem I have missed about 3 weddings this year and missed the fourth last Saturday and have decided I wont miss the next weekend as a mate is getting married and I should be there for him. I know I am scared of something. Sometimes I feel I will be judged. Sometimes I fear to start the aproko conversations that some busy-body Nigerian invetebrates engage in about why you are not married/have a baby etc. Why are these people even invited anyway? Surely, one of life's enigmas! Maybe part of me is secretly envious of their happiness. Maybe I am running away from something. The rate at which things are going, no one will show up for my wedding.

M'je

5 years today...

2011-11-11T19:58:00.003+01:00

Hey blogsville...

5 years ago on this day I started the Mamuje blog. Yippee, happy birthday to us. Its been one glorious journey. I have been privileged to meet some really cool people here and it extended to real life. For that I remain eternally grateful.

Whew! How time flies, i still remember why/when/how I started this blog....sitting in my tiny room in North London trying to figure which of my convoluted thoughts I should write about.... its funny how much my blog has evolved.... I barely have time anymore to discuss trivial issues... when i thrived on trivial issues in the past. Sometimes i re-read old blogs and go 'how did i ever pen that down'... but i think its all a nice reminder of when i was young an insistently stupid Hahahaha

The name Mamuje was given to me in University....a long time ago. Apparently it means 'Mother of smoke'. Mama Uje.... Don't ask me but the name stuck. So I decided to name my blog just that. In case you were wondering...

Not much to report so here is to another blissful 5 years....

M'je

Untitled (Cant think of anything right now!)

2011-10-31T14:59:00.007+01:00

Hey people, Its been a long road. I have been MIA over the last 2 months. Sorting out my life and basically trying to find my feet is different facets of my life. Its been awkward. Some Nollywood type scenario going on in my world.... luckily lets say I am positive there is a rainbow somewhere.
Recently, I discovered that a gentleman I was involved with(He was lying about his situation) was getting married and the only reason he isnt still married is because there was an accident (that claimed one life) a few days to the wedding and it was called off. I found out I knew the bride. I have known her for over 16 years and she filled me in on the details. I wasnt going to rat him out. I wished them all the best. To this day he denies he was going ahead with the wedding. He said he was actually planning to call it off when i found out he actually had a fiancee and was leading me on. Which makes me believe he orchestrated the accident. If na you wetin you go think?!

The out of nowhere, I had a nasty bout of food posioning that almost crippled me. Nasty, Nasty, Stuff!

Over the last 10 days there has been tragedies in my family. We lost a staff ( in a ghastly car accident) who has worked for us for over 15 years (some relatives are still in hospital from the aftermath of the accident) and last week my younger brother passed away under very bizzare circumstances I dont want to talk about. Talk about Nollywood. Naija style Drama. Anyway, lets say we encounter circumstances that make us get close to God and you realize its a very evil world out there.... so its either you are with the forces of Light or forces of Darkness. This is like the script of a tacky nollywood movie. Just too weird...

Then some sunshine came into my life amidst all these chaos. I got my puppy. A mix between a Westie and a Maltese. She is so precious yet very naughty and causing me sleepless nights (I am not enjoying having poop all over my, office floor, bed and pee on my carpet). Potty training is much harder than i expected. Now i get the full meaning of 'dog breath'....Chei.. Lordy, i need to brush her teeth/tongue/gums every now and then. I named her Latte. I couldnt think of anything else (that hasn't been taken) so white so I decided on one of my favourite coffees.

My Birthday comes up in exactly 3 weeks. I don't want to celebrate. I just want to sit down with one good friend, have a glass of wine and reflect on my life. Its just been too weird. Thank heavens I have you guys and I can come here and let my worries on this platform. Now back to doggie mummy duties. Much love y'all:-D

M'je

Ramdoms [Please Read]

2011-09-04T13:34:00.005+01:00

Well....I had to beg y'all to read oh because I notice that when you fall off the Blog Wagon, your followers slowly migrate and disappear into thin air because of your inconsistency. My dahhhlings, please come beck oh, come beck. I think I have returned from my hiatus Abi na sojourn?

A lot has been happening over the last couple of months and I have been overwhelmed...quite frankly. Anyway this is the first time I'd do a 'Random' post. So here goes my ramblings:

1. First of all I'd like to introduce you guys to my friend Duchess. Who is new to the blog scene. Show her some love as she takes us through her unique world. She is funny, bright and she is my sister from another mother.

2. After Kilimanjaro I fell off the bandwagon, I gorged on food and beer and have struggled with getting back into my routine. Luckily, I found my mojo back and have started some HIIT workouts and I am loving it, although my muscles are sore.

3. My love life (or the lack of it) has taken a different turn. I didn't know I was in a relationship until yesterday. Don't ask me how that works because I am as clueless as you are. All I know is Iaminarelationshipwithsomeoneyetidontknowiaminarelationshipwithhim! Some people have lofty ideas, who am I to break their chain of thoughts or reasoning? I like being indulged. When you get random women calling you (supposedly my future mother-in-law) and tell you about your December wedding then you realize that people take things too far or are too
desperate. Some people think that I should not set standards or not be too choosy as I am above a certain age. This African Magic story should be for another day.

4. I have been addicted to Crime TV for a while now, but lately the alarming rate at which I am glued to Crime & Investigation channel is getting out of hand. I can't get enough of 'Women who kill'..... Love Cold Case Files too. I guess that's why I am so paranoid these days.

5. Still enjoying my new flat tremendously and enjoying my own company. I think I enjoy my own company and the company of my friends too much that I don't feel the need for someone to invade that space. I love my space and I feel it's posing as a problem. I'd rather spend time with my friends than spend time with this dude who has been on my case. Don't get me wrong. I like him. I like him a lot but he isn't priority....yet!

6. I am getting a new addition to my family. I think I want a little dog. Well, Lily (my sister-in-law's Maltese) is pregnant and I have been promised a little puppy. Unless of course I change my mind....I might be getting a little baby soon.

M'je

Kilimanjaro Dairies: The conclusion

2011-08-25T11:49:00.003+01:00

Sorry about the late follow up. I have been almost everywhere over the last month. Business and family responsibilities have kept me busy. So I am gonna try and be quick and dash.

21/07/2011
"Gemma, Gemma, Gemma" I heard my guide call me. They had strapped an oxygen canister to my chest and feed me oxygen. I was gasping for air. I was trying to breathe but I felt nothing. I was in pain, that was all I knew.... I couldn't remember anything. 2 liters of oxygen later and the canister empty. I heard my guide screaming in Swahili to someone on the phone. My guide turned to me and said "Gemma, we have to take you down". Of course I wouldn't let him. 4 men carried me and started sprinting across valleys, rocks and hills to a lower altitude so that my body would stabilize...while I was screaming and crying hysterically. All I could think of was all the investment I had made. Financially, that is! We finally got to Millennium camp n the dead of the night. A much lower altitude and the chief Ranger took one look at me. He peered into my eyes and said "you have PO, Altitude sickness you have to go down.". I just needed to sleep.... I had been hiking, crying and crawling for 10 hours and not being able to breathe. I just needed to sleep. "the mountain will always be here" he continued "you can't risk your life on here, do you want to die?". In less than 3 minutes the team of men came and yanked me off the floor and were heading further down to Mweka camp....they took turns to piggy back me. It was the most excruciating thing I have ever had to experience. I was a bit worried about being piggy backed by men who hadn't showered for days. Euugghhh anyway, the only thing I remember at that time was that I was in a lot of physical pain and there were countless numbers of stars in the sky. It was beautiful. We finally got to Mweka camp after 3 hours. I called my mum and cried and she consoled me....I slept almost immediately.

22/07/2011
I woke up a lot better and waited as dawn came then decided to descend. They were not going to let me go anywhere but down. I was gutted. They asked if I would prefer a stretcher or be piggy backed? I opted to walk. It was the slowest and most painful walk ever. When I got down to the gate. I had to exit and sign my name and it was only then I realized that only 40% actually made the summit. Thats odd. Where did I get it that it was a 96% success rate?

Anyway, I gave it a good shot at 15,500 feet. I never thought I'd made it past the second day. Will I try it again? Maybe not, Maybe I will...... But I can tick that off my bucket list. Now all I can think of is Incredible India!

M'je

Kilimanjaro Dairies Vol 2

2011-08-02T08:20:00.003+01:00

Sorry this is a week late. Still dazed and my body is still sore..

20/07/2011
Today I slept well for about 6 hours. We started hiking at about 8:25am, it was very steep. We started at 3800 meters and went up to Lava tower at 4600 meters. It was acclimatization day so we went up and descended to a lower altitude. The descent was quite tough. I felt tingly all over then a blood rush to my head. Well I kept taking my meds religiously. It was extremely windy and cold and it was then I began to think what a stupid mistake I had made. Maybe I should have just gotten that Chanel bag instead of throwing my cash on this difficult mountain hike. I persevered. I was cold. My boots held up. I didn't feel tired physically but something wasn't right. I was just mentally and emotionally drained. I was breathing too heavy then we got to Barranco camp for an overnight stay! Walked for a total of 7 hours today

21/07/2011
I woke up with a knotted chest. I had a nasty cold that I knew had to go away. I took my medicine and breakfast and we set off. We climbed the barranco wall for about 2 hours. It was rocks upon rocks...the views were spectacular. We were walking through clouds, hills, small mountains, valleys and all over again. I was getting sicker and sicker. When we got to Karanga valley my breathing was failing....I had to idea what it was. I had been walking for 5 hours and slowing my party down. All that kept me going was the thoughts of my family, my mum and her angelic face. I thought about my godchildren and my friends who were rooting for me. I thought about blogsville and i thought aout the summit.,.. Then I kept moving albeit too slow. Then we stopped for lunch and told my guide how I was feeling. I couldn't eat. I was wheezing loudly. We proceeded after lunch to the Barafu camp which was the foot of Kibo. It was summit night so it wasn't too long now. I had to tell the other hiker to go ahead as I couldn't keep up. It was as if I was swimming with my head under water and I was breathing but no air way coming into my lungs. The air was too thin and it was merciless. My guide was in denial about my health as I had promised him an extra $150 if I made the summit. Well another guide walked past and saw my state and gave me an oxygen test. I had only 72. in my lungs, I needed 90 to ascend Kibo. They were trying to give me water then I collapsed......

To be continued

M'je

Kilimanjaro Diaries Vol 1

2011-07-25T17:14:00.004+01:00

Hello People, I just got back from Mt Kilimanjaro over the weekend and have been too knackered to write anything since I was recovering from the hike and should I say a near death experience...My face has the worst sunburn you can find on a black sister and physically/mentally/psychologically I am drained. I intend to take you on a journey with me. My experience. The highs. The lows. The snots. The Sweats and of course the tears. I am not a fan of epistles but I will be as direct and concise as possible.

When I started this 'craze' what I wanted was to climb Mt Kilimanjaro for self accomplishment....just to climb....honestly I didnt know what to expect. Hmmmmmm....see me see trouble. I chose the second hardest route (out of 5 routes), I chose the 6 Machame route also known as the Whiskey route. If only I had known...

18/07/2011
I opted to climb with another person and we were assigned to a guide, an assistant guide and 2 porters and 1 cook each. My climbing parter was a 50 year old Australian name Graeme. The porters carried our tents and duffle bags containing our my gear etc. We registered at the Machame gate and began the hike slowly. We walked at snail's pace through the rainforest for 5 hours until we reached our first camp Shira. We were surprised at the quality of the meal we got on the mountain. Lunch was sauteed liver and a sandwich/tea/coffee and dinner was potatoes with fish in batter, of course they served us a nice steaming bown of soup first and fruits for dessert. Our tents were set up and we retired. First time i ever slept in a tent or a sleeping bag. Temperatures dropped drastically at night. I started to breathe heavily at the high altitude. I started taking Diamox to prevent altitude sickness. We were at 3000m, thats 9842 feet above sea level *What did i get myself into?*

19/07/2011
We were woken up with a steaming bowl of porridge, eggs, toast and sausages. Tea/coffee. We set of at 8:30am. We hiked up steep rocks, out of the rain forest into the Moorlands. It was physically challenging. I was feeling stuffy. My chest became really heavy. I relied on my walking poles for support yet not forgetting i has a backpack on my tired back. Lunch was pasta and veggie sauce....... I felt a blister coming on. I was worried. We hiked a total of 4 hours today. I wasnt physically tired but my breathing was getting more and more unstable. I was getting short of breathe and it was only the second day. I started to lose my appetite. I also started feeling a tingly sensation in my feet which i later came to understand was called 'Pins and Needles'. I was suddenly feeling like blood was rushing into my head. My guide asked me how I was feeling. All i said was 'fine'. We ended the hike at 3800m, which is 12,467 feet. We slept at Shira 2 camp.

Pic- Is an amazing view of the rainforest as we proceeded up behind the clouds.

To be continued.....

M'je

Fitness and more.

2011-06-30T08:48:00.008+01:00

Some of you might be aware I started a journey to Fitness a few months ago. Happy to say I never veered off that path. I hardly ever derailed. It almost became an obsession even. I started working out about 4-6 times a week. Sometimes I even worked out morning and evenings. Mornings being my favorite time. Then I plateaued! Every Fitness enthusiast's nightmare!

I changed my fitness regime. I played squash 4 times a week. Stopped. Used the treadmill (which I hate which so much passion. I always feel like a lab rat whenever I am on it). Stopped. I recently started hiking with a group, which I totally enjoy but it's twice a month. I started aerobics. I stopped. Sigh. So if you have any brilliant ideas regarding enjoyable fitness, i'd be happy to hear it.

Last week I got a Nintendo Wii, sadly I am already bored.

I have been hearing of Zumba fitness, so yesterday I decided to try it out. It was really nice, lovely but in all honestly that's what I do at home. I love to dance in my room in front of my mirror and wine my waist like there is no tomorrow. I don't think it's worth it to pay N2000 to go dance with other people when I can bust some serious moves with my Patra collection in the comfort of my bedroom. So that's that. Besides, our Zumba fitness coach is rather on the big side, which put me off. I am now a size 8-10 UK. It's only fair that whoever coaches me on anything relating to fitness is fitter than myself. I need to see what I am buying.

For a while now, the Tennis coach at my gym has been trying to convert me into a follower. I have been quite hesitant until he blew my mind away saying he'd give me free lessons. Who doesn't like osho free? So today all prepped up I went into the court. I don't know if it's me or
him but I didn't like the way he kept barking orders 'go left' 'go right' 'stop standing, move it!!!!'....it's been a while since I'd been put in such a spot. I was a hot mess, all over the place. All the balls flew outta the court..... I am usually very focused and a quick learner but I don't think he made it easy for me. I think i prefer squash as its got a higher impact *sorry Nadal*. He has 'ordered' that I show up tomorrow. I am NOT looking forward to it. Kai.

Anyway, plans for Kilimanjaro are underway, I keep fit regularly. So far I have lost about 11kg since march. Now I carry a 6kg backpack whenever I am on a stepper or treadmill. For cardio basically and I am trying to keep my knees strong by doing lunges and weights. *sigh* it's been tough but the end result is going to be well worth it. Hopefully in a month I'd be on my way to the summit. I am keeping my fingers crossed, although I am petrified of the possibility of acute mountain sickness, I am still optimistic because I have the opportunity to what I have always dreamt of. I have already set up my justgiving.com page to raise money for Scoliosis UK, so once I am certain of the exact date I will start raising funds.

On a tangent, it's payday today. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Let's hope July is a much better month than June was :-)

M'je

So, you made a 2:1. Then get a job!

2011-06-20T12:23:00.001+01:00

I made a 2:1 and I am unemployed...

So I am sitting on my bed pondering over what happened the other day with my staff. I employed her because she said she needed the job, even though I felt she was 'over qualified' for the job. I mean who has a 2:1 and works in a liquor store? Only in Nigeria. I made it my mission to help her find a better and more respectable job in a good firm, with the chance of career progression. On her CV, she studied accounting and made a 2:1. I spoke to a couple of people and in a week she got an interview with a reputable firm. I was certain she'd get the role...until the interviewer (and uncle) asked to see me the next day. The day after he interviewed her.

"The girl failed the interview big time. She couldn't even define accounting" He cried. "she is the dullest person I have ever interviewed in my entire life. I cant even make her an office assistant let alone a trainee accountant" I cringed in embarrassment. I mean what sort of person did that make me if I had a poor sense of judgement? I was furious! This is the sort of problem we face in Nigeria and yet people scream unemployment. It begs the question, how can someone so daft make a 2:1 in Accounting or even a 2:1 in applied gardening? if not for the appalling state of the Nigerian educational system. So how did she make her 2:1?

I remember someone in my department who made a 2:1 and when we went job hunting she was too frightened to go for the shell interview she was called for. Does it mean that only a handful of people in Nigeria today are truly deserving of impressive grades? For instance in some Universities I know of, the lecturers may deliberately mark you down unless he is bribed or unless you buy his hand-outs which you do not need. Some Nigerian citizens are quick to point their fingers at the government for underpaying lecturers and the poor state of the schools. But what about the students and their parents who fork out thousands of money so they can buy an impressive degree? Then later cannot defend the said degree to get a good paying job. Isn't it worrisome that most parents now send their children abroad for a better education? Even the Presidents, Governors and Minister's of education send their children out of Nigeria to study. About 50% of people I know have one or two foreign degrees because it's now the way forward and because of it's authenticity. Is anyone doing anything to turn this around?

Apparently a tiny number of employers in Nigeria are now more comfortable employing people who make a 3rd class (or someone with a foreign degree) or Pass as opposed to 2:1 as they know some people who make 2:1 now is because they can afford to 'block' or bribe their lecturers. So what hope is there for people who cannot send their children abroad or bribe their lecturers? What a shame!

M'je

My miracle abode.

2011-06-09T23:16:00.015+01:00

I am sitting in front of my notebook wondering what title I'd give to this blog. I have MIA for the last 2 weeks, I have barely done the blog rounds. my apologies people but there is a valid reason for that...So, here it goes.

My landlord gave me the quit notice about 6 months ago and as soon as he did I started looking for a place and found 2 places in fact. My sister was supposed to relocate with her family to Malawi and pass on the house to me and a client had bought a property and he was giving over his flat for me to rent. I was ALL set to go when I called both of them to remind them that my rent was expiring and I needed to take over the flats (whichever one was available first). That's when story entered. For some bizarre reason they were no longer moving out. The pair of them. Oh, and they didn't deem it fit to inform me, the almost-destitute. Then out of the blue my landlord calls me to remind me I have to vacate his flat. If you know anything about Abuja, they collect 2 years rent in advance, agency fee and in some cases service charge from new tenants. I was screwed. I was stressed. Where was I going to see a nice flat for the budget I had? Y'all know how house hunts can be especially when you have no clue if you'd have a roof over your head in a few short weeks. I tried to keep my cool. My acne was tripling, I was praying *worrying a bit* and keeping the faith.

Long story short, a miracle happened. I got an extra bedroom for the budget I initially planned from someone who wanted to vacate town. I paid NO agency fee...since the guy was leaving to another town, he left me the curtains, the ACs (3 of them), tiles, gas cooker, fridge and the jackpot, A Generator all for FREE!!! I paid a year and a half's rent for a 3 bedroom for the price of a 2 bedroom and I got the items listed above. I moved into my flat today. I didn't need to paint or pay for any electrical works as the flat was all ready to use. If it's not a miracle, then tell me what is. Part of me feels I am gonna wake up and the dude will demand all his stuff back.....but I know deep down thats not how God works. His ways are not my ways. I feel the space is too huge and wonder what people might think, I mean..... But then again when I think of the circumstances surrounding the flat hunt and how I was hounded to take this flat, I feel good. So I am spending my first night here today and I am ecstatic the hunt is over!

I have decided to sublet the other room to expats who want to stay for short term. I am sure it's gonna be fun. I mean who wouldn't want to stay with me? Heheheheeheheheh

Now, *cracking my knuckles* I need to plan my house warming. I have already started planning the menu for the dinner parties to follow :-) What I love most about the house is the fact that I am gonna have a dining table. My former flat was so tiny, I could hardly fit myself in, then in a twist if fate I am living in abundant space.

M'je

Wedding in absentia...

2011-05-27T12:14:00.002+01:00

Wedding in absentia.....Yay or Nay?

I called my banker the other day to get some information about my account and she told me she was on her honeymoon and away from work. I was taken aback because the last I knew she wasn't seeing anyone and suddenly she was married. I congratulated her and asked about her husband and she said he was in America.... While I was trying to figure out how there was a honeymoon without a 'honey' she dropped the bomb that the wedding was in absentia. *long pause*....That sounds plausible...a marriage without a groom and a honeymoon without a honey. I mean, seriously it doesn't. Whats the rush anyway? Even a shot-gun wedding shouldn't be done in absentia. Something doesn't feel right. I could never feel as if I am properly married. Having a parent or a sibling absent from a wedding is bad enough but my better half is waaaaaaaaay out of the equation.

Long distance relationships are bad enough, but a marriage by proxy is much more than I can handle. More often than not a marriage in absentia occurs as a result of visa issues. I find its all too rampant in Edo state where I come from, a few months ago my mum was gearing up indecisively for a distant relatives wedding in Lagos.....a few days to the wedding she casually dropped a hint that the wedding was in absentia as both the bride and groom won't be present for the wedding as they both had visa issues in Germany. The look on my face told her what I had in mind. She wasn't going for any wedding where enlarged framed photographs were used to represent couples on their wedding day. In some cases where one of the couples was present (usually the groom is away) they use a representative, especially someone close to the groom, like a cousin or someone who knows a lot about the groom. In the 21st century where technology is readily available, there could be a conference call or a webcam where groom sees what's going on throughout the event.

Dare I say I am a helpless romantic and for me I can understand an introduction ceremony but a traditional or white wedding is totally out of the question. For its its more physical that anything else, I want to hold him, feel him and touch him on my wedding day. If distance is a barrier then I am afraid our love is just gonna stand the test of time, test of distance and test of time-zones. I don't think my heart can't take it. Sorry, it's a big NAY from me!

Joking apart, I can understand how a wedding in absentia operates but what goes on during a honeymoon in absentia? Don't tell me it's phone sex and skype sex all the way? Bladdy hell?!

So tell me, what are your opinions about a Wedding in absentia?

M'je

Turkish Delight...

2011-05-19T15:20:00.014+01:00

Thought i'd share some pictures with you...
Below is the best meal I have tasted this year, called the sultan's favourite. Its a popular Ottoman cuisine of lamb chunks, aubergine and potatoes, kind of like a moussaka. This was exceptional. It was like a celebration was going on in my mouth.

This is Istikal street. The most famous street in Istanbul. Shopping and eating or smoking shisha, this is the place to hang out.

I went to the famous Grand Bazzar and the colourful ceramic plates caught my eye...

In the old city called 'Sultanamet' they have the famous Hagia Sophia, a church that was turned into a mosque. Its an architectural paradise.

Yesterday we took a ferry cruise along the Bosphorus and the picture below is a sultan's palace. Beautiful...i tried doing the panoramic sweep but I am still learning how to work the camera.

We also visited the Egyptian spice bazaar where we got lots of dried figs, spices and locum also known as turkish delight. Then the guy tried to sell us local afrodisiac as you can see below.....

An array of colourful spices.

Yesterday night we went to see a Sufi musical Concert, where monks chanted and danced in whirl like manner for 30 minutes non stop. It was compelling and thought provoking. It was weird as we werent allowed to applaud or take pictures as it could hinder their meditation but trust ya Naija sister and her new smart camera.

I have a thing for hammans ever since my first bath in Morrocco, the Turkish hamman looks like this. The pic below is the one in my hotel, they scrub off the dead skin and literally massage you with a soap till you pass out from relief. Amazing stuff. Me and the girls are Hamman hopping as we cant get enough.Bliss! Its something one must try at least once in their lifetime.

Anyway tonight we are going to the famous Ciragan Palace Kempinski hotel for dinner. Yes, we are all gonna dress out in glamorous dresses and eat expensive meals and drink water. Alcohol here cost and arm and a leg because they try to promote local liquor which is called raki. It tastes like Sambuca and its very potent. Anyway, the men here are ridiculously hot and have a penchant for black women. If i dont blog by next week then I may have stayed back and married a gorgeous Turk....

M'je

Istanbul + 127 Movie + Sony NEX-3

2011-05-15T09:29:00.001+01:00

Hey Fellas,

I just touched down in Istanbul for a week long holiday. I am so excited because my travel buddy is meeting me from London later today, the other one is coming later in the week. Which means I am guaranteed a super holiday. I see blue mosques, lots of smiley people and shopping. This time we got a better deal on the hotel, a nice 4 star hotel downtown with a gym and Turkish hamman *can you hear me squealing in excitement?* And it's right in the middle of their most popular shopping + partying district, Beyoglu. Where all the action takes place. Bliss. We have some activities (Island hopping, Bosphorus cruise, Palace and Bazaar visits) planned for the week ahead, which I would share with pictures.

On my flight here, I finally watched onboard the movie 127 with James Franco in it. It plunged me in deep thought, with my adventurous spirit and all. It made me think of life's frailty, it made me cry and think of the guy who went through cutting him arm just to stay alive for himself and his family. It's a must watch. One thing I learnt from the story is 'Always let people know where you are going'. Dude was trapped in a boulder for about 5 days and drank his piss and blood. Kawai!

Lets talk about my eclectic tastes. I exceptionally adore Turkish pop, folk and it's culinary delights. On the flight to Istanbul i listened to Mustafa Sandal's newest album called 'Karizma'... Powerful stuff. The guy is one of the most talented Turkish pop-stars on the planet. I remember a few years ago his album 'Kop' helped me get through one of the darkest periods of my life and I dealt with it fair and square, with Mustafa's melodious tunes with me. You should try and listen to Karizma on iTunes or something.

I had the most amazing cheese borek for the first time in years. It's a kind of filo pastry with thin layers and layers of dough and cheese....kinda like a baklava but savoury. Ok, now I have to find the nearest outlet mall to shop as I didn't bring any clothes, as I have lost almost 2 dress sizes nothing now looks good on me. From what I hear about Turkey, it's the shopping haven for the cheap skate. I am very well pleased. Oh and I just purchased a Sony NEX-3 camera, that thing is super...hopefully I would be able to take 'almost' professional pictures.

M'je

Bucket Lists!

2011-05-04T12:45:00.003+01:00

When I set my heart to do something....like I goal, I become obsessed with it and try to achieve it. I eat and breathe it. Unless of course it's not in my heart. For instance I have always been drawn to challenging tasks so I did sky-diving, even though one of my greatest fears is heights. I mentioned a while back that I would like to climb Mt Kilimanjaro. Let's get one thing straight, I am not much of a hiker or mountaineer but I have become obsessed with it because I was told NOT to do it, I have been discouraged by family and friends. Well, I get where they are coming from but I believe it's my business. Therefore, I will attempt it. Well, the time has come, part of my recent obsession at the gym is as a result of Kilimanjaro. Now I have 2/3 months of intense training, mainly walking at a high gradient. I need to be at the gym 6 times a week for at least 75 mins and hike at my spare time. Now my main task over the next couple of weeks is to find hiking boots to break into before my scheduled climb. Last week I met some new guy at the gym who climbs mountains on a yearly basis, so we've been sort of training together. We went rock climbing over the weekend, the twin peaks overlooking Abuja....they were quite steep, yet scenic, although it was for only 1:15hrs it still hurt like hell the next day.

I going on holiday next week (do not fret, I don't intend to derail from my plan as my hotel has a gym and a pool) and I intend to stick with it. Good news is, I am required to eat as much carbs towards the start of my climb. I have been consumed with reading any sort of literature partaining to mountain climbing as well as an extensive research on appropriate clothing, food, Altitude sickness etc. That's where fear creeps in. Altitude sickness can kill. So I am well versed and prepared. I pray to God I make the summit. I know I will. For me it's deeper and more personal. I am sure when I reach the summit, I'll know. Nothing good or exhilirating comes easy. I know it's an extreme challenge.

Oh and you guys will partake. I am planning to raise awareness and money for Scoliosis and endometriosis (2 of my closest friends suffer from it) while I do my climb. I know how some people are skeptical about giving money to Charity especially for feats like this. Well, this is different. BecauseI am paying for my climb. I am not asking for donations to climb at all. (donations or not, feat must go on). I will be setting up an account with Just Giving and any money paid there will go to Scoliosis UK. So not to worry. It's safe and secure. I will keep you appraised on my training progress as time comes along. Wish me good luck :-)

‎:"Everyone has mountains to climb, sometimes those mountains are in our minds. True triumph is about trying whatever the result"- Unknown

M'je

Imperfect me!

2011-04-21T03:11:00.005+01:00

It's 3:20am and I can't sleep so I blog....

It has taken ever ounce of strength in me to post this blog. Right now, I am going through a cocktail of contradictory emotions. Fear, anger, sadness, faith, hope but most of all relief. Just after my 17th birthday, my friend noticed my back was distorted, we looked at it in the mirror and I could see my right shoulder blade sticking. I didn't know what it was but I knew I wasn't born with it....so I tried my best to conceal it and act as if it was nothing. The occasional backaches, not been able to wear halter necks without long flowing locks. If I exposed my back, I was asked questions. So I didn't. Well, I thought it would go away.

In 2006 I got a temp job as a chiropractic assistant and that's when my boss told me I had Scoliosis. An 'S' shaped spine. At that time I was entitled to free chiropractic care. Well, my X-Rays showed my spine looking crooked. That explained why my left rib cage was protruding more than the right. aha! Luckily, none of my boyfriends ever pointed it out. I mean, how could they not have noticed? Well, I still thought it would go away...

Then with recent back aches.... I decided to delve into a comprehensive research about scoliosis and it's sufferers. The first shock that hit me was it being called a 'Disease/Disability'. I also realized people can get it at the adolescent stage which I believe is when mine started. Apparently there is no cure. No known cure. No proof that exercise even helps it. (Albeit I observed most celebrities with scoliosis were professional swimmers) Depending on your curve, you could manage it with a brace or undergo surgery where you'd have rods stuck into your spine to straighten it. Well now I know where my breathing problems stemmed from. The neck/shoulder snap was as a result of the shape of my spine. *I knew it wasn't normal*

Oh and its hereditary. I want to be upset but I can't. You know why? Because I am blessed with people who love me and to be honest living is not that bad. We all know the silent stigma associated with the 'physically challenged'. I keep wondering why I hid it for so long and not telling my mum or going to the doctor when it would have been easily managed. Part of me feels grateful for experiencing what some other people face. Some People with this disease have it worse where their spine is tilted to a 90 degree curve. I am grateful its not worse than it is already. I have a moderate curvature (about a 30 degree curvature) which isn't fatal. I won't have surgery. Never. Sadly, it deteriorates as one gets older...if no measures are taken so I am considering extensive physiotherapy (my friends tease me about being a surly crooked old woman...being surly is bad enough, but surly and crooked? ;-| ) Unfortunately, there isn't any form of awareness about scoliosis in Nigeria (I am still looking) and not enough exposure worldwide. I am trying to be open about it now. Besides the fact that Bra-wearing and tube wearing has been a chore, it's just unpretty to look at. The back aches are part and parcel of the issue. As I am aware, I have been working my ass of at the gym and strengthening my back 5 times a week. I almost always sleep on the Lat Machine!

Next time you see someone with a hunch or an uneven shoulder blade, hip, or legs...just don't stare. Smile and remember, your very own Mamuje is rocking a chip in her shoulder....quite literally:-)

M'je

You broke the deal!

2011-04-11T18:07:00.003+01:00

What would break 'your' deal?

.....the other day I was watching Tyra banks and there was an episode on ' deal breakers' and it made me wonder maybe one ex or the other broke up with me because I 'broke' the deal.... Well her team came up with all sorts of potential deal breakers and the public took a vote.
Would you leave a man because he was short?
Would you leave a man because he had bad breathe?
Would you leave a man because he was bad in bed?
Would you leave a man because he snores? (bear in mind, some snores could be likened to a thousand cats being circumcised simultaneously with a blunt razor blade)
Would you leave a man because he lived with his mum?
Would you leave a man because he couldn't dress properly?
Would you leave a man because he went Dutch?

I could relate to all the deal breakers....except a man who lived with his mum..... And I have never dated anyone shorter than me. At a diminutive 5'6.... It will almost be sacrilegious to do so. The poll also revealed that shorter men would need to earn about 150% more than the average man to actually get a date (according to Internet dating) oh dear! It's a hard life for the dimensionally challenged.

To be honest, I haven't dated any 2 men who were alike.....I pretty much judge a guy with what he presents during the dating stage. For instance I currently face a dilemma. Ok, I am currently dating. I am dating vigorously Abi na rigorously and I am enjoying meeting different people and learning from them. This one guy seems nice, cool, laid back and pretty much the opposite of me. He is quiet. I like that. But anytime he sends me messages he uses text language.....*insert ridiculous silence here*........ I mean he is much older than me but types stuff like :"So when wil u b in de shop". I almost cringe anytime I get a message from him and I confronted him but nothing came out of it. Do bear in mind, he didn't even put a question mark. For me I think it's a problem. Does that mean he cannot spell? On the other hand he gets me...he truly gets me. We share a penchant for adventure, adrenaline rush and sky diving etc but the text talk is off-putting! TOTALLY!!! My male friends thinks I am nuts for not dating him cos of that.....the girls agree with my concern...*sigh*

On a tangent, I find some men in this century pretty lazy and irresponsible. What's going on? Some men want to skip the dinner dates and head straight to the main event under the pretext that they want marriage and are not keen on dating for too long. I think a man should buy me a couple of meals AKA dating before asking to know my post code. Ahn Ahn....there are no free lunches. Imagine a bloke asking me to come over to his house or asking to come to my house as he doesn't feel safe in restaurants or public places because of the elections. *you don see mumu* I told him the only place I feel safe at is Obudu grill at the Sheraton.... That certainly broke the deal for me....

So what will be the utmost deal breaker for you?!

M'je

The many variants of Ignorance (2)

2011-04-03T08:04:00.002+01:00

This is a typical scenario
Girl 1: Hey girl, I have some Brazilian weaves for sale. Would you like one?
Me: Ah, No....I can't afford one at the moment.
Girl 1: Haba, how will you say you can't afford it? Just say you no wan buy from me or you get them plenty.

(It takes little to rile me up and this certainly did. Then I had to break it down to her as if she was a 2 year old.)

Me: First of all if you know anything about me you'd know I don't own a Brazilian weave.
Girl 1: A whole you? It's not possible.
Me: Well, its possible because of what I place as priorities. I don't see buying an expensive weave, bag or shoe as an investment as some people do.
Girl 1: Ok, just buy one from me na.
Me: Just because I have 25,000 Naira (£100) or 100,000 (£400) in my account doesn't mean I can afford a bottle of champagne or some Brazilian weave. It just means I have priorities and expensive weaves are not one of them.
Girl 1: But you travel, don't you pay for your trips?
Me: Yes, my trips are priority so also is my entertainment for the month. A Brazilian weave and Louis Vuitton are not one of them. I don't own any. Not because I don't like them, I just can't afford it right now.
Girl 1: ??? (Still unable to grasp the concept of 'affordability' or 'priority') Ok o, no problem then. Later!

I don't think I have any friend who can afford a bottle of Champagne without feeling the pinch, including myself. I sell one for about $80. I agree some can afford Brazilian weaves as it's part of their budget and they can logically argue that it has a lifetime guarantee.... It's not the amount you have as your bank balance. Duh! It's what you you hold as priority. Same way some of my friends don't understand that I can't buy a pricey shoe or bag or jewelry or even register at the golf club (a friend almost almost mauled me to death over the golf one yet she doesn't understand why I can still travel and claim I can't afford things) I agree, I am a cheapskate. Truth is, something has to give. I make a few trips a year, visit new countries and explore. It gives me joy and I look forward to these trips with glee. I couldn't possibly afford all those trips and still wear Brazilian weaves and expensive gold. I am not rich. Until, I can buy the littlest of things and not feel the pinch, then I can say I can truly afford things. Some people can afford things by the status of their bank balance. I am different, I can't.

The experience I have garnered from my travels can't be impacted upon by just wearing Brazilian weaves and drinking champagne. It comes from exposure. Chai.

M'je

Demystifying The African Time!

2011-03-27T04:30:00.008+01:00

I got this inspiration to write about this from Ginger's blog.

I don't know if it's an African thing/Theme but the most prevalent perpetrators are the people around me. Nigerians and their attitude towards time. Other people's time. A complete oblivion or disregard for what other people hold dear. TIME. I believe this topic has been mauled to death....but this is my own take on it.

Ever wondered why you invite someone for your birthday party and they show up 2 hours later with no valid excuse but the usual "I didn't want to be first here"? I think it reeks of insecurity.

Ever wondered why you show up for a 12pm flight to Lagos from Abuja and you don't take off until 4 hours later? Oh, the real reason is because they don't have enough planes and the ones available need working on. But of course no one has the balls to tell you that.

Ever showed up for an interview and waited 5 hours only to be told the boss decided to leave last minute to deal with some issues.? When the real reason is that the person really couldn't be arsed. *this happened to me 3 years ago when I just returned from the UK. I was so livid that I didn't return for the rescheduled interview*

Ever noticed how some people (including myself) habitually go to church late....? And in most cases never stay till the end of Service. I am
only ever interested in the Sermon. Which shouldn't be so. *the service actually goes on longer that they say it would, I believe your word should your bond. Even in Church*

Ever wondered why you go to a concert and they artist doesn't show up until 3 hours later and when 'it' mounts the stage, the fans are still up in a frenzy when the artist should in fact be pelted with bricks. :)

In all of this I remain eternally mortified as to why (unless something grave happens) I haven't met anyone who was deliberately late to the American Embassy? Deliberately late for a BA flight to Heathrow. Or in Abuja where people sit in waiting rooms for 8 hours waiting to see a minister and the people wait gladly. I am yet to meet the individual who would saunter leisurely to a visa interview. It doesn't happen. In fact
some people pay money to be first in line....until the new restructured visa application process. Which makes me come to the conclusion that no one has 'lateness' in them, it just boils down to how much regard they have for your time as a friend, lover, job seeker, fan, customer, employer, visa applicant and overall GOD! It boggles your mind, doesn't it?

M'je

My Body is Revolting....!

2011-03-22T00:59:00.004+01:00

Well.... I have noticed some changes with my body since I started going to the gym intensely over the last couple of weeks. My weight has stayed the same for the last 2 weeks which makes me feel good and bad.... Good because I believe my fat is turning into muscles....Bad because....well just because. I expect the pounds to peel off my body. Slide or melt off...whatever! Wouldn't be bad to lose another 5 kilos in a heartbeat.

There is the problem of the breast. My breasts. I have watched my breast grow into an E cup and plummet to a B cup with no advance warning in the past. Right now, they currently feel like shrivelled tomatoes. I am not happy.

Then there is the problem of my stomach, my beer gut....like I said, my stomach lives in it's own zip code. How else can I explain thinner arms and shanks yet a kwashiorkor type look..? I have been dreading the crunches. Crunches or sits ups scare me to death. So last Friday my trainer made me do crunches..... Into the 25th crunch I heard something snap in my neck. He thought I was pretending so as not to do anymore.... Long story short, I was writhing in pain all day and cried all night. Next day. Hospital. X-ray. Then I was slapped with a dog collar around my neck all weekend. And the worst deep tissue massage in history. Unpretty! How stupid. who sprains their neck while doing sit-ups.?? Me!

My right arm has started to ache....playing squash 4 times a week is extremely strainous, it's not like I am training to be a professional athlete...Well, I consulted WebMD and I think some nerves are playing with me. It's intense and anytime I touch metal/steel, I feel a sharp pain around the joints. I think my body is telling me to slow down, eat more food and rest a bit. Working out 5 days a week for at least 90 minutes is not helping my rather frail body. The rate at which I am going my breasts will suddenly shrink to the size of dried figs or even raisins. *sigh*

The sit ups can wait. I will stick to cardio for now and take it one step at a time. With what's happening to my anatomy, this is more than an uprising....

M'je

The many variants of ignorance...

2011-03-14T11:57:00.003+01:00

The many faces of Ignorance...
... Ignorance is saying that Dubai Airport is the best airport in the world when you've only ever been to Dubai airport....and of course MMA. Lagos!

...Ignorance is saying that ALL Nigerians are stupid and judgemental just because all the Nigerians you know are stupid or judgmental or maybe both. Including yourself. (Did you pull the statistics from your butt crack?)

...Ignorance is saying that ALL Nigerians are fraudulent just because you have received a few scam emails from people posing as Nigerians.

...Ignorance is saying all Edo girls living in Italy and Europe are mainly prostitutes when in fact you don't know any Edo girl living in Italy. It's just hearsay.

...Ignorance is saying that the average Nigerian can afford a bottle of champagne when over 60% of the population live under 200 Naira a day. (can you even define average?)

...Ignorance is saying that anything made in China is fake or substandard when the stuff you fly over to the USA to buy is actually MADE in CHINA. Surprise!!!

...Ignorance is seeing someone after 5-10 years and you assume you know and can predict the person and not expect the person to have evolved over those years. Then you are a professional ignoramus!

...Ignorance is saying The UK is boring and bland and blah blah blah, when for the last 15 years you've been going to the UK all you've ever
visited is Brent Cross...and more recently Westfields... And all the different variations of Primark!

...Ignorance isn't bliss!

If you fall into any of this category then you need to go back to basics and be educated all over again about the true definition of 'some'
'many' 'a few' 'average' and of course ultimate word here the word 'Ignoramus'.

M'je

The surest way to a man's heart...

2011-03-10T13:38:00.007+01:00

.....is with Food, Sex.....or quite frankly...maybe a rusty fork :-)....

This morning while playing squash with my coach we got into a light banter. Going back and forth as I was shedding the pounds... We compared pounding yam to playing squash and that's where the roforofo ensued. He thinks a woman should pound yam for her man if she really loves him. I think a woman has no business pounding yam as it's too tedious. It's a man's job! You eat the pounded yam, so friggin' grab the mortar and bloody pestle and get to work. Dammit.

Coach: "You know the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and with sex?".....( I couldn't figure out whether he was asking me a question or telling me a fact! ....)
Me:(I paused) "I will have to disagree with you coach on that one".
Coach: A woman should be able to cook weeeeeelllll and give him satisfaction in bed.
Me: What if he has fantastic sex with a prostitute(and she is his regular) will he decide to spend the rest of his life with her then?
Coach: *he shrugs* well, you have a point there. (insert silly giggle here).
Me: If the way to a man's heart is through a nice meal and a great shag then I would probably been in my 7th year of marriage or maybe in my 4th marriage or maybe have 5 husbands at the same time.....whichever one has more significance. ( my mind drifted back to my Ann Summer days and the summer of 2006)
Coach: Heheheheheheheheheheheee
Me: *not wanting him to slow my game down* Well I am being honest. I mean if it was the case, the chefs and porn stars wont get divorced.... Or won't be lonely. I took the liberty of telling him of a couple of people i knew who where in solid marriages yet they could literarily BURN water!
Coach: .........
Me: what happens when sexual passion fizzles out? And you are tired of eating pounded yam,..... I think sex and a great meal is secondary to what men want. I believe a real man will take character over a good cook or mind blowing sex unless of course he is a professional idiot.
Coach: *mute*
Me: *oh dear, have I touched a nerve?*
Coach: I think sex should be the glue that binds them together...it should be an added plus.
Me: You are right, sex is vital. Cooking and sex can be taught. But character is ingrained. It's developed over time. Besides it's self sustaining...

I think we ended it there....(unresolved)..... I kinda felt the reverse should have been the case. I mean. I was trying to convince a grown ass man that character triumphed over Sex/food. Unbelievable! Anyway, it was good to get a man's perspective on that. The good news is I lost 6kg over the last 6 weeks. I am enjoying squash tremendously and I am taking swimming lessons too. By hook or by crook, I must sabi swim
That's all folks!

M'je

Oh No! It wasn't me.

2011-03-04T13:28:00.005+01:00

Have you ever bumped into an EX or an old flame..... Someone you dated let's say 10/12 years ago and cringe and have a what the puck was I thinking moment? Well..... Yours truly has had it once....OK let's say a couple of times to be candid. I have been trying to get this client for a while now. I bumped into an old colleague of mine who suggested that my EX could broker the deal, by linking me up with the dude. Anyway I hadn't been in touch with my EX so I called him. And the conversation goes like this....but be warned. This dude is an Igbo guy and his igbotic accent is unparalleled. Kai! *hangs head in shame* well.... I was young and naive na! (No offense to the Igbo tribe)
Me: Hello.
IG: Hellor!
Me: Its me G.
IG: Ehen?
Me: Haba, it's me G from the bank.
IG: Ehen....talk na!
Me: Don't you know who is speaking? (my brain did a flip at this point because I can't believe I once shared bodily fluids with this caveman)
IG: How will I know. Am I a spirit? *Dead*!
Me: *After comporting myself* it's me G from.........
IG: Oh beby, My runaway wife. Where are you? Blah blah blah.

Only my best friend knew I dated him at he time. I couldn't bear to share it with anyone else. Well he was a very nice guy, brash but nice. In a fleeting moment I could almost transport myself into 2002 and wack myself hard in the face for ever giving him a second glance. I should
have known that then when he was guzzling champagne and Chinese on our first lunch date...that something was sordidly wrong with the
dude. Honestly, dude barely talked then! I mean who would have thunk it?! True, my dating career was in the pits then. But it's much much better now....I can assure you.

Some people are just stuck in a rut, frozen in time....or pure and simply put. UNCOUTH. You see them years later and you wonder what went wrong. I unashamedly denied any past alliances with him. I beg I no fit. No be me kill Anini jare! I mean 'Am i a spirit?' I think my brain froze and pulverized at the same time. Lol... Anyway, have you got one of those 'oh no, it wasn't me' moments. Please share!

M'je

Whose kidney is it anyway?

2011-02-28T12:39:00.009+01:00

So.... We had this debate. A couple of my siblings and I. About kidneys. It goes like this. Would you donate your kidney to your loved one? You trust your brutally honest Mamuje to scream a resounding NO! I told them point blank I wouldn't give a kidney to any of them. Not even my mum that I love so much. My argument....well it's easier said than done.

On my first date with some dude last year he told me he had had a kidney transplant and transplant patients barely survive 10 years after transplant....unless of course they get more donors. I also recall watching an episode of America's Got Talent last month and one of the contestants talked about how he had 3 transplants. 1 from his sister and 2 from his cousins. I commend them. I have a lot of respect for them. It's not easy to have that amount of love for a cousin, I tell ya!

I remember one of my exes who could do anything for me to make me happy. Absolutely anything. We went to Yankari Game Reserve sometime in 2005 and we were chased by at least 5 elephants. Oh boy, you need to see the way dude ran like speedy Gonzales in front of me. I could only see the sole of his feet and dust....then how can he give me a kidney?!

Anyway, my brother gave me the stare as I vehemently refused to release my kidney. As if to say 'chill out G, it's not like you've been asked to donate one yet'. He said it was no big deal as he would give his wife if she needed it. I do not believe him. I believe I have the ability to even be more sympathetic than him.

Ok, when I am old and grey and I pass away.....(of course my kids would be out of it. But God forbid that they need a transplant) I can
donate my offals to someone who really needs them. But not while I am breathing. I believe to each
his own. So tell me, would you even consider donating a kidney if someone is in dire need of it. I welcome your opinions. This should be
interesting.

M'je

Love and other stories...

2011-02-18T11:38:00.004+01:00

Last night, while chaperoning my friend on his beer drinking parade which in my opinion is happening all too frequently (His beer drinking i.e) but that is another day's blog. I met a couple. I have seen them together a few years ago. We belonged to the same watering hole. They looked sorta odd. With my 'people watching' experience I kinda assumed she was probably too good for him anyway. Fast forward a few months later, they had a child together. Anyway out of curiosity [tatafoness] I asked them how long they had been together (as I noticed she didn't have a wedding ring on). He replied they had been together for 7 years. Waoh. I had too many questions at once. I mean, 7 years and you can't keep your hands off each other? You have a baby and yet unmarried? You don't even live together? How does this work? How can you even be with someone for 7 years and still love them this much? There is always this voice within me that tells me I couldn't possibly love someone more than a couple of years. Is it different with me or does everyone have such morbid thoughts sometimes.?

They both smiled. The lady seemed feisty and the guy rugged yet gentle with her. He said simply. ''I love her....she is my life....I love her''. She on the other hand was brutally honest ''there are times when I want to kill him, when he is really pissing me off.'' I urged her to go on ''There are times when I don't even see him for weeks, but in all of this I have come to realize that love is not a feeling. For me, it is a decision. I have decided that this is the man I want to be with and stick with through thick and thin''. It made me have other ideas. My mind drifted off to people I decided NOT to love and people I chose to love. Then I looked at my friend beside me and thought if love is a decision then I have decided NOT to love this man.

M'je

My version of Valentine.

2011-02-15T09:53:00.011+01:00

Ah the Valentine has finally washed over us and we can now breathe.

I have come to really appreciate the dynamics of the Valentine's day brouhaha....Its all a commercial gimmick or should I say ploy and it works. Now that I am in business, I can finally appreciate it. I really, really appreciate seeings lots of REDs and 'Be Mine' slogans everywhere without feeling nauseous or feeling the green-eyed monster erupt within me. Sadly Christmas and Easter have been thrown on the bandwagon and the true essence of those holidays have been lost in thin air....but for a few. Anyway, before I digress. I was trying to make a point. Now, I am not fazed by these holidays as I can now create/re-enact the perfect scenario for myself without expecting anything from anyone. I can now appreciate life and love in a different way without tying its umbilical cord to chocolates or a cheap perfume.

Anyway I decided I was going to spend the evening with my friend last night, just talking, playing who wants to be a millionaire and drinking some Coca-cola...maybe have some chicken in order...but last minute I decided against it. So I made a reservation at my (new) favourite restaurant. I invited a friend who agreed to come along. We sat down and talked through an amazing 5 course dinner with coke (I have ended my affair with wine albeit temporarily). We discussed the dynamics of being single in your 30s, men, women and we ended it with being very grateful for our lives and where we were currently at. We ended dinner gracefully after a couple of hours then went over to my brother's house for a night cap. Quite a lovely evening. I went to bed feeling really good and grown up.

Unfortunately, I am not one of those people who cakes, teddy bears or Valentine gifts of any sort excite (I must admit I have a DEEP love affair with the colour RED, give me a red ruler or pencil and I am jumping for joy.). I am quite happy with having just amazing people around. Which I have ever so often. It just makes me realise that I get/give love all the time not just on Valentine's day. So tell me, how did you spend your 14th day in February?

M'je

How Low can you go?

2011-02-04T10:09:00.005+01:00

How low can you go ..... Was the first song I heard as I woke up this morning and my mind drifted off to Sandra and myself and a little observation playing back and forth on my mind.

Many times some women have been criticized for being too choosy/picky or whatnot or as one friend called me the other day "high maintenance" just because I won't condone a man who asks to borrow money from me before we even start dating.... Sometimes when you know what you are worth or what you deserve why settle for less? I don't want to talk about my situation but after juxtaposing Sandra Bullock's situation and mine closely my conviction has been further strengthened that I should not date below my radar in other words, settle for less. When is it OK to marry just anyone? Will I be judged if I don't accept someone cause of his outward appearance? Must he have a degree? Should he/she come from a certain pedigree?

What was Sandra's crime? She meets Jesse James, marries him admist protests from fans/family and probably the universe. In return he cheats on her repeatedly. Just before the ink settles on their divorce papers, he gets engages to Kat Von D and says "growing old with her will be a f***king blast" and called her his best friend for sticking with him when the world turned their backs on him. He also added that 2010 was his best year. Note: 2010 coincidentally happened to be the year he cheated on Sandra Bullock! That dude deserves a royal slap!

What do you expect of a man who can boast of a porn star as an EX?! Not much.....! How insensitive and low-lifed can anyone be? Wanna bet how long he and Kat will last, given his string of past brides?

Many women and even men are single for the EXACT same reason. They are all looking for a partner that would complement them. End of..!

This blog is dedicated to any lady who has reduced her standards for love. May you find love that is well within your radar in this season of love.

M'je

Versatile and Stylish Blogger!

2011-01-15T09:05:00.002+01:00

I hope your New Year is swinging by swiftly folks? I have been tagged by Lucidlillith and Mena Ukodo as a Versatile and Stylish Blogger. I am supposed to say 7 things about myself then tag 15 other people. Hmmmm.... let's see how far I can go with this. *Seems I have said what there is to say already but well...lets do this*

1. I enjoy Solitude. I enjoy my own company. Going out to restaurants and the cinema alone. I have developed the habit of talking to myself....I question and answer myself. For as long as I can remember.
2. 90% of My dreams actually come to pass. Or most of them are just premonitions.
3. I was bullied for a whole year at primary school/ University and would miss classes, that's why I have morphed into a a woman who is perpetually on the defensive.
4. I still a foodie at heart. I love the entire process of cooking. I dream about a dish days before I cook it. Its orgasmic.
5. I am actually more caring and sensitive than I give myself credit for. I also cry at the drop of a heart.
6.Believe it or not. I have always had a nervous feeling that everyone is staring at me when I walk into a room. AND not for the right reasons. I am always shy when I walk into a bar, parties, restaurant or place filled with people. I sometimes wish I could be invisible. That's why I try to arrive early so I dont have to deal with the 'initial walk' Weird huh! Serious Issues!
7. I always have lofty ideas/dreams/aspirations that I would marry a funny Hollywood celebrity like Jim Carrey and live in Bel Air and feature in the DailyMail or US Weekly for the rest of my life. I have already started practicing for my life as a Hollywood wife. *I am not joking, even though I have no clue where the hell Carlifornia is on the map sef*

Now I have tagged some:

LucidLillith
Mena Ukodo
Witty Fool
Lily Johnson
SugaBelly
Myne Whitman
Taynement
Nutty J
Ginger
Amy Mauritz
AnyaPosh

There you have it....If I didnt tag you, My apologies. I dont love you any less. Smoochies.

M'je

Happy New Year!!!

2010-12-31T16:06:00.004+01:00

Hello Everyone.

A Very Happy New Year to you from Kenya. May all your wishes, targets, goals be achievable in 2011....

Lots of Love & Well Wishes for the New Year ahead.

M'je

Christmas Spirit!!!

2010-12-22T11:52:00.004+01:00

Quick update....

Compliments of the season my wonderful blog family. I haven't done rounds in a while. Forgive my laziness. You see... I sell alcohol and so this is my season. I am officially overwhelmed. Yes. I am.

I didn't realise how I missed entertaining until recently. In a week I have entertained my friends twice but last night was just simply amazing....Shame there are no pictures to show... I am was too engrossed playing domestic goddess and forgot some of the good parts ;-). Anyway...more than ever I am excited about the Christmas season because it brings back fond memories and its spells the spirit of togetherness. I also have a lot to be grateful for.... though I have faced some challenges this year, I have risen above the negativity and set-backs. I am also planning a trip for the new year. Its next week and its a secret....*make I reach there first* All I can say is, there will be lots of animals and there will be lots of meat for me to EAT over New year!

No New year resolutions we are just gonna take the days one step at a time. Apart from taking my passion a few notches further. I want to start a blog solely for food. I entertain almost regularly and I try to make some complex dishes with readily available ingredients and I figured why not share it with my fellow budding food enthusiasts. So fingers crossed, it will start off in January and I will always keep my camera handy for scrumptious photos. :-)

For the Christmas festivities I don't really know what I am doing...but I know I will be in Abuja... probably organize a BBQ with friends, drink champagne and eat shit loads of meat. Flirt shamelessly with random men and dance till the cows come home. Sounds like a plan in motion already...So what will you be doing for Christmas??? You never know I might just sponge off your ideas...

M'je

Belgio...

2010-11-30T19:51:00.005+01:00

A few sites of places/things of Interest in Belgium....
I spent hours looking for the famous Mannequin Pis, which is actually a famous statue in Brussels. In fact they pride themselves with the mannequin Pis. the chocolate shops would create a 5 foot image of the pissing boy. Imagine my shock/horror to finally find the statue and it was just about 2 feet tall.

Then I got some Stephan Dumon luxury chocolates for the special man in my life - My brother! the included some black pepper chocolates. Amazing. I even tasted the wasabi chocolates and the lavender ones.... I could go on and on...and on about the chocolates. Lets just say they are the Yves Saint Laurent of Chocolates in Bruges.... A city as small as Bruges or 'Brugge' as the Belgians call it, has about 300 chocolate shops.

Went to the largest beer shop in the world. In Bruges. I am not surpised as they have over 400 brands of beers in Belgium. Quite plenty. Well so they say... I couldn't get enough of their Mango and cherry beer. Now I understand why they are the 5th biggest beer drinking nation in the world. With so much variety to choose from even the monks produce special beer. I even got some chocolate liquer. Hmmmm Yummy. I got some chocolate soap at some point.... Everything chocolatey :)

This was the lovely old building beside the lake of love. You normal stand by it and make a wish. I didnt make a wish....!

The atomium. Not much to write about, I checked out the trip advisor and was warned before hand that it was a tourist trap. Exorbitantly prized to get in and when you in, nothing much to see.

It was an amazing trip. I still remember the sex shops in front of my dodgy hotel. I can still hear the sound of Pixie the horse's hoof on the cobbled streets of Bruges taking me around and showing me the sites. I can still smell the damp air.... I can still remember the good looking Belgian men with tight butts offering to help me order beer and showing me the map etc.... I remember the posh Belgian lasses I met at the tea houses. I remember the smell of a big plate of Entrecote steak and some lovely pomme frites to go with it. I remember the friend I made in Belgium... I know, I'd never forget Belgium. Not even in a hurry.

M'je

From Brussels with LOVE!

2010-11-23T08:48:00.003+01:00

Hello All,
Its been a minute...... I have just been caught up in the frenzy of business and life generally. It was my birthday on Sunday and I had an amazing time! I feel totally blessed. So yesterday I hopped on a plane to Brussels for a much deserved break. Well.....its painfully cold here.... but on the bright side... the men are riduculously HOT and friendly. I am already in love with a bar tender just down the street from my hotel. Another downer in my hotel. Didnt have the time to do a proper research. It looks like some dingy hotel where they kill single female tourists :-( if you have seen the movie Hostel 1+2 or Touristas then you'd know what I am talking about. I also noticed there are at least half a dozen sex shops in front of my hotel.... which spells out that i am living in the dodgy part of town *I want my mummy*

Today, I am heading off to Bruges alone to taste a thousand chocolates and drink hundreds and hundreds of beers *I am looking to taste some garlic chocolate* and indulge in heavenly Belgian waffles. I believe I will make friends along the way, thats how I roll..... If you all dont hear from me in a week then I have probably run off with some gorgeous younger Belgian bar tender..... yes we will run away into the sunset :-D...... I love my life.

I will blog about Bruges on another day and post some pictures too. Love and Miss ya all
M'je

The sordid tale of the Muffin top!

2010-10-31T09:09:00.005+01:00

Well not so sordid....but quite depressing. *Hangs head in shame*

So I made a decision to hit the gym to get rid of my enviable beer gut *that's if I was in a drinking competition* and because I want to live a healthier life. I kicked beer a long time ago....well every once in a while I try the odd corona or Budweiser but nothing major like Star or Gulder. I am not going to blame my muffin top on the fact that I quit smoking after 14 years and ballooned from a svelte 8/10 to a 12/14 (and the 12 self na tight clothes)...anyway.. That's that. I have been over-eating and eating quite late. I cant seem to get enough of meat and carbs!

So luckily, the hotel 3 mins from my house has a gym and my friend who works there gave me a 50% discount for a year's membership *woohoo*. So off to the gym I go yesterday. I managed 20 mins on the treadmill and 5 mins on the stepper. Not bad for the first day....seems lifting cartons of wine had helped my stamina a bit. One of the gym instructors helped me with some stretching and sit-ups....during the sit-ups I realised that there was a mini shrub growing under my armpit. OMG, how did that happen?...I have been working long hours including saturdays. I know thats no excuse...but..... I was and am still embarrassed that I have decided to do a FULL body wax....removing every hair except my eye-brows and the hair on my head.

As if that was not enough. Some middle aged woman walked in. We were about the same size even though she looked 20 years older than me. She must have been about 50 or so. We started talking and she commended me for how well I had done on my first day... well not wanting to sound cocky I told her I was a lazy bum and that I need to get rid of my muffin top and she kept harping on about how fit I look and how much energy I had. Then she goes ''if you look this good after having Kids then you have to be proud of yourself". with a puzzled look on my face I replied "That's the point maám. I don't have kids". Madame i-know-too-much replied "You mean you have never had kids".... I replied "NO"....she stared intensely at my muffin top and I could see the blood disappear from her face. A gigantic lump appeared in my throat and I left. Feeling worse than ever before... I hoped palm oil or cold black coffee spills on her favourite white shirt someday.

I woke up even more determined to crush the belly. I spent 1.5hr at the gym today. Got in at 7am. 30mins on the treadmill...stepper, arm and leg pull....all the works and finished off in the sauna. I am home now feeling good. I have never been more determined to lose the belly/beer gut/muffin top. I am not going to give a weekly update about this. Hopefully I will keep you all appraised over the next few months when I have reached my target weight. Wish me luck.

M'je

*Pic gotten from google images.

Let's not cry over spilt latte..

2010-10-18T18:26:00.008+01:00

....I guess you had figured out the blog contents from its title.

Lets say the last 10 months in 2010 hasn't been favourable in my dating career. I am not perturbed. Reason being is now I have gone back to the drawing board and realised what I am NOT looking for. One of my very first interviews when I relocated back to Nigeria... I had a question thrown at me. 'Substance or Form?''.... as naive as I was. I believed it was all about 'form' back then. It was the perception that mattered. Or so i thought.....!

I cried over Solomon* because he seemed too perfect. He looked the part. A Caucasian. He came from a good home. He had a close knit family. His parents were still married. He had a good body (Boy was fit). He had dual citizenship (Oh yes! Believe it or not it was a prerequisite for marriage). He was smart (a few degrees from Ivy league schools). Panache was his middle name. He loved the finer things in life. He ate caviar and fois gras. He knew where Ulaanbatar was. Yet He was emotionally unavailable!!!

Dean* was cool too. A Caucasian. We shared a penchant for food, travel and fine wine. He was tall. He was troubled yet very much in love with me or should I say deeply infatuated. He was emotionally unstable, very much so!!

There was Ty*, don't know if any man would love me as much as he did. He didn't have the world but he would share anything he had with me. He wanted to give me the world. I was too occupied with Dean to see that. He loved me too much (I must admit it was kinda creepy) He moved on with a broken heart. He is married yet will not forgive me. *sigh*. He was too weak!!!

Then came latte*...Tall, Intrepid, Well spoken (his baritone could compete with Barry white), He went to private school. He had some plush pedigree. We shared a love for Indian outfits and wine. We shared a passion for cooking..... Oh yes, he had dual citizenship too. It felt too good to be true. My guts told me something wasn't right. But he seemed perfect on the outside. For heaven's sake we are from the same local government. He must be the one. He was going to give me the most beautiful kids in the world. He was suave. He was.... ........ Then he spoils everything by asking me to borrow him money. I had barely known him for 3 weeks. So it was a gold-digging tactic all along. Need I say more....?

I believe God brought him my way to teach me that it wasn't about form or looks. Its about substance. A man who has integrity, candour and self-respect. He could be 5 feet tall and from the back hills of Rwanda, it doesn't matter. He may not speak Oxford type English or eat scones for breakfast. He doesn't even need to know what sashimi is. All I ask is that he is self-sufficient, a provider and a man who respects himself and adores me. That's all I seek.

M'je

*Names have been changed.

Shoes! Glorious Shoes!

2010-10-11T13:01:00.008+01:00

Or should I say. Un-glorious Clutter?!!!

A problem identified is half solved: They say. Well I have a problem with clutter. Oh dear! *clasps hands over eyes*. I decided to sort out my shoes nicely so got some guy to make me a nice shoe rack to accommodate my excesses as my tiny living space was about to explode before my eyes. It turns out that last week I had a wedding to attend and I realized I had no shoe to wear to match my outfit. True. I am not a practical shopper. I buy stuff and realise its not my size or very uncomfortable..... like seriously Who does that?
I also come to the conclusion that I have that many shoes because I never EVER give my stuff away. I hold onto them for dear life. I have had some of these shoes for at least 6 years. About 60% of them don't fit me anymore... but I still keep them. I just enjoy the clutter. I have a problem letting go. I even have empty bottles of perfume hidden in my wardrobe (cos I convinced my best mate that I threw them away...I just can't). Newspaper and magazines from 2003. Even cracked plates. Off licence Receipts from 2004 and clothes tags. Don't ask. Don't ask. Don't judge me.

Then I realized I had a problem when I started buying same design in different colours.

After counselling from a friend, I have decided to give away half the stuff to people who might actually need them. Its hard to think I may never see some of these beauties again. In all of these, I know I could never give out my Lady Marmalade shoe (below). Its a size 41 and I am a 42... but its just so cute.

In the all of this de-cluttering experience, I have learnt to do away with the old and allow room for new stuff.

M'je

Some mothers do have them!

2010-09-22T09:33:00.004+01:00

And there was the Tampax Pearl Plastic:

.... Its been a good week so far. Business has picked up. I am getting busier and busier and even hired extra help.

I lost a friend of 11 years yesterday. He didn't physically die. But he is dead to me. It was about time. The relationship became TOXIC. I am not sad about it, I realised I wanted it to happen sooner than later. Now, that's that. When someone wants to make you feel less than inadequate then move on. BTW, he and I don't share an umbilical cord! *insert 'relief' emoticon here*. The chance of me salvaging our friendship is the same chance a donkey has using a payphone.

UPDATE: Last night Mr London or who I now call 'Latte'... had dinner with me at my favourite Indian restaurant. We are cool. I haven't visualized having his children yet.... or worse still...cooking in his kitchen with a wrapper around my chest and hairnet on my head. But we think alike...Almost ALL the time. *is that supposed to be a good thing?*..... In some amazing twist, I wore a sari during my dad's remembrance and he wore a Salwa Kameez (the male version) so we ended up calling ourselves Sunita and Vikram. Too Cute! We have shared outfits, humour, business ideas in the last few days. One thing I know is, I cant even look the dude straight in the face. I am shy. *insert red-faced emoticon here*

ENOUGH with Japanese school girl love stories: Anyway, last week I saw a box of matches in my fridge. I put it there. I removed it. Only to come back in the evening to find it there. I believe I put it back there again. Only 2 days ago, I went to see a client for a payment and they asked for a pen to sign my cheque. I blindly reached into my hurricane bag and brought out my tampon instead of the pen. I mean who can blame me.? Its the new BLOODY Tampax pearl Plastic. I looks/feels like a bloody pen... Suffice to say, I made my clients evening and me....me...me. I can see the priory calling me softly *hangs head in shame*

M'je

Woo me!

2010-09-08T19:42:00.006+01:00

OK single ladies, here is some revolting news. The other day some random bloke who is gonna be present at my dad's remembrance ceremony this weekend sent me a BB. He is gonna be at the event and wants to use the opportunity to see my family. As per marriage. My stomach churned. My intestines knotted. Let me point out, I have only met this goon once.... At my dad's funeral rites last year... and he was hitting on my friend. Fast forward a year later, he wants to marry me...like yesterday. I am not in anyway flattered. Even if he was the last man on earth and I was out of batteries. My point is, the rate and speed at which people walk down the aisle these days is alarming. What happened to the days of wooing, toasting and courtship????. Now you see a lady at distance you want to marry her immediately. And in a peculiar situation where you are lacking or physically challenged I wont expect you to be hoarding cash. Just saying...

Anyway I put my foot down and I said I would rather be wooed first, but he insisted on the introduction. I said well I expect any man who wants to be with me to go through due process/diligence. The dinners, dates, buying me a lot of gifts (which is not a guarantee that I will even marry you) You should make me feel special....well that's because I am a WOMAN. That's how things are done. What happened to sending me champagne truffles or some nice perfume or some nice coffee? Ok..OK...maybe I am too hard....even if its rice and chicken from Mr Biggs. Buy it. Haba! Anyway I came to the conclusion that Mr X was too broke to woo a woman or wasn't interested enough. That's how some men earn a reputation for being cheap skates. Marriage no do me like that. I am not interested in text message or BB romance or cheap love. Pshieuw...

xxxxx

And now...to better news. I was a bit worried about going home alone and facing family about the 'single condition'.... I dreaded it. My friends tried to set me up with a pseudo date for the weekend but I didn't quite like the 'hopefuls'. Well, I am pleased to inform you that I won't be going alone. My amazing sister-in-law hooked me up. My gorgeous date arrives tomorrow from London just in time for the event this weekend and we are going home together. Well..... all I can say is he is Tall, Dark and Handsome and quite a catch. I like him a bit. Just a bit. Lets just say he is the sort of bloke that your mum will be proud of.

Eid Mubarak Everyone :)

M'je

Who is Bigger + Better: White or Black?

2010-09-03T13:28:00.008+01:00

I have been holding myself for months on broaching this topic. I will do so anyway with the facts presented before me. Using myself as a subject for research. A 'research' spanning 8+ years. I will be sexually explicit so please forgive me prudes!!!

1.They say Black men have bigger penises.

2. Once you go black you don't go back.

3. The blacker the berry the sweeter the juice.

SAYS WHO????!!!!!

In the early years of my research or observation. :) When friends saw my love interest of a different race. They get all inquisitive and ask a lot of questions. The most prevalent question is always about the SEX! Yeah...Yeah...Sex is always the issue. I get questions like (I am sure you are dying to know). 'Is he circumcised?', 'Is he great in bed?', 'What is it like?'...Errrr he is a man with a difference race and possibly culture, so I really dont get it. One black guy who wanted to date me cringed at the thought of me having a white ex and hasn't shown much interest since then. Fair enough. Inadvertently, he proceeded to say. 'Its a Fact babe, Black men have bigger packages'. My swift response was 'I am assuming you are gay and have shagged ALL the white and black men within sight to base your conclusions/opinions upon....huh?'

I think we need to be more open minded interrcially. Looking beyond the imperfections and skin colour or Myths...whatever they are called. I believe it will be unfair to think a certain race are blessed with bigger+ betters features while others are not. Imagine a saying that goes 'White men have better brains than black men' How about that for starters! I am sure that would hurt!

In conclusion, there are no right or wrong answers and besides it isn't conclusive. I have enjoyed relationships with both white and black men but I am tilted towards dating whites as the first white man I dated treated me really really well and he was a godsend. Hence the partiality. As for the sex....its a no-brainer. Sex is based on chemistry. If the chemistry is more intense with a Mr X then you have better sex. Its NOT the race. Dare I add that the biggest penis I have ever seen was attached to a white man ....and it was circumcised. I said it. It was gigantic. There you go!!! Its outta my chest.

Once you go black you can never go back... well I don't know if there is much truth in the saying, but 2 of my exes went on to marry+ engaged proper African ladies after me. So I guess I was doing something right then. So those of you who have 'Bazookas' hanging down your nether regions. Way to go. Good luck!. Average to large+ Chemistry does it for me. A 'toddler's thumb' sized penis or a huge Bazooka are a No No!!!. I really dont know many women who want to be sitting in a hot tub for days on end.

M'je

(Pic Courtesy of google images)

Whats your BB pin?

2010-08-30T09:41:00.005+01:00

Dare I say its the 'most common phrase' among Nigerian youths today?. You bump into a long time friend you haven't seen in 12 years and after exchanging pleasantries they ask for your blackberry PIN. As its now become standard procedure. Some even go as far as putting as a Facebook status. Which I translate to 'Me sef I don join dem get blackberry' or 'I want to accumulate the most number of friends on my contact list 'cause its a competition'. I guess a lot of people see the standard monthly payments of N5000/20 quid/$33 as a status thing.

The latest Avalanche of the blackberry or crackberry addiction as the case may be has probably put other phones out of the market. There are so many variations. I have seen 'Blueberries', 'blakberries', 'blackberys'.... oh and yes, they are all fake imitations of the Blackberry. Sometime last year, someone walked up to me and said can I see your 'blueberry'. I burst out laughing... I couldnt help it. The latest observation is there is hardly anyone I know or that I see on a regular basis who hasn't got a BB. It is almost sacriligious not to have one. I think its also almost a curse to have one these days.

Besides it's many technical wahala (problems), stiff trackball, consistent freezing,short battery life, insufficient memory space ..the list is endless, is doing great at putting me off the darn thing.
The constant PINGing is totally doing my head in. Nowadays even clients want your bloody pin. Can someone tell me why? Besides I think a contact list should be a close network of family and friends not any person who can afford a BB. Haba! Can someone bring back the days of going to an Internet cafe to use the Internet. Now we even have it on our phones....

Men don't even want to go through the normal process, they get your BB pin and its 'toasting galore' on the BB. I miss proper telephone conversations and reading paper notes, hearing sweet nothings as opposed to a string of sentences on your phone screen. I have a toaster who has barely spoken to me in months but is in constant touch with my BB. Friends rarely call. The BB has replaced it. I don't attach any importance or sentiment to BB messages cos I think it has no monetary value and as such doesn't count as keeping in touch *folds arms in defiance*

Towards the end of your monthly BB expiration plan your heart palpitates for fear of the unknown. Well.... I don tire. My BB plan expires in 35 minutes and I wont renew it today. I am folding my arms to see what will happen. Who will die?. Who wont call me as they cant PING me anymore. I will just wait and see....

M'je

In loving memory.....

2010-08-26T08:09:00.012+01:00

..... its exactly one year since my dad passed today and I kinda thought I would be in high spirits today but PHCN/NEPA (the power holding company of Nigeria) decides to go on strike so here I am feeling blue while the generator noise is doing my head in. Its so sad when one thinks of the deplorable state we are in. Anytime I say I wish we hadn't gained independence from the British, why do I get hateful looks.? 50 years on and we still don't have constant electricity! What a joke!

Anyway back to my dad (Cant taint his memory with talks about Nigeria now). Prior to his passing, I had not lost anyone that close to me,... I mean THAT close. The last year has been good and bad,....mostly good. I am sure he would be mighty proud of how much have grown. I for one has added another decade to my years overnight, started a business and now more family oriented and seriously considering the possibility of settling down. I am more cautious and more responsible I believe. I wont do stuff like jumping out of a plane because a lot of people worry about my well being and safety...

My dad was/is special one, even from birth. Orphaned at an early age.... he never knew his parents or saw a photograph of them. He didn't really have an extended family. He went on to have a 'clan' for a family. Yeah, he had at least 29 children and 58 grand-children. He knew all of us by name and we loved him dearly. Knowing how polygamous homes are, mine isnt different from any. We have our differences but we seem to have grown closer since he passed away. I have never seen kids so broken by their dad's passing. There is hardly a time we get together [and boy! we do get together...even if its for the free booze :-)] and not talk about him as we see a lot of his traits in ourselves. A few years ago, I hated sharing my dad with 28 others. I wanted him ALL to myself... but now it feels good sharing my grief with them as I know I am not alone.

Most of all, I am at peace with his passing. I told him all I needed to tell him before his death. I received his blessings, I cooked for him, we had a drinking session together, We share a sarcastic sense of humour, I hugged him, kissed him, I spent his last few hours with him in the hospital and most of all I told him what a great father he was. It doesn't get any better than that.

People say 'Time is a great healer', I know that. I cant help it but I miss him a lot and if I feel like crying all day while eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or cheese toasties, so be it!. Thinking about it.... I feel much much better already.

Hope you all are having a good day?

M'je

Financially Handsome!

2010-08-09T22:21:00.011+01:00

Is money everything? What do women want?

....the last question on my lips before I went to bed last night. Of course, it isn't. Last night, I was opportuned to partake in one of the silliest, funniest, loudest and most importantly baseless arguments of all time...with my in-laws, uncles and older friends.

We dissected the situation of a friend of ours...who is well over 40 and is looking to get hitched and has fallen prey to gold-diggers in the past. She keeps getting her fingers burnt and the issue of if we were in the same situation would we not give the man money?. Then the arguement digressed to female breadwinners!

There were 3 women arguing for and against. Me- your very own Mamuje, Ms G- a successful single lady in her forties and my sister in law, who is also in her forties. We all argued 'against' giving men money. While the men argued 'for'...stressing there was nothing wrong. Going by the way the arguement was going, It made me believe one or two of the men would probably sponge off their women. Which in my opinion is distasteful. Some African men loooooove to wear the trousers.

1) These are the points I raised: I believe that if its a double income family. I work, He works. We contribute equal hours to our places of employment. Then its fair we both share the domestic chores.

2) If he is the sole bread/dough winner then I am more than happy to be domesticated and be his woman of leisure. My main focus would be keeping myself beautiful for him :-)

3) I also believe that if I am the bread winner then the man should be responsible for the domestic work! Shikena! No mago mago! No cutting corners!

The guys argued that ALL women need is a nice and caring man....blah...blah....blah...blah....I know there may be times when a man may lose his job or his limb...blah blah blah...or times may be hard....blah..blah...yeah we know..but after the trials...dust yourself up and get a job!

I personally don't think money is everything, but surely its makes most things possible + life comfortable, else we won't be striving for a better life. But I would consider my comfort first. And If I happen to fall in love with a man who barely has enough. Then It will be my duty to make him work harder to give us a better life. The whole idea of giving a man money...feeding him and giving him pocket money wont happen with me (I can barely support myself let alone a grown ass man). Ideally if the financially handsome man that I desire isnt forthcoming...(more often than not, I am in the habit of dating stingy aliens. Hopefully, moving forward, I will meet some normal humans.) then we will need to re-strategize.

And some very useless news: Oh...I saw what was meant to be my 'husband' a few days ago. Unfortunately, I divorced him before he proposed.

M'je

Warped info + telephone etiquette!

2010-07-20T20:22:00.006+01:00

Life has been good, has been good and then some... I am not complaining... I am open to the complexities of life. I have been kinda busy with work and family. Lately I noticed that my body has been reacting to changes.... I have been drinking a lot of wine.... a whole lot of wine, more than I intend to. My siblings and I get together 3 nights a week and just binge on wine and food so I guess its not a surprise that I am piling on the pounds, suffering from heartburn and most recently experiencing internal heat in my body- My sister-in-law joked that it might be the symptom of early menopause. God forbid!

I woke up this morning and there was a plate of brownies and pizza (with coke) at my doorstep. At 8am this morning... my neighbour left it there for me. For me its just another kind gesture...as I love food and Coke. So there I am singing happily and stuffing my face with sweeties while my friend is suspicious....she thinks my neighbour fancies me. My neighbour who I believe is about 4 years younger than me is certainly too young for me. Besides I am not partial to cougarism. Not just yet.... If only he was 15 years older....if only....

I observed something the other day. I got 11 missed calls from the same person. If I didn't pick their call once, why will I pick the call the other 10 times? Just saying... Also noticed how loud most people set their ringing tone. Even if you want to bring a corpse back to life I doubt if its gonna be that loud. Maybe its me or just age... Its taken me 30 years, 7 months and 20 days to realise that Nigerians and especially my family are the noisiest people on earth. We should be in the Guinness book of records! Period!

I just got some warped info today. My first love just had a baby this morning...by his wife- the younger sister of my second love. How cool (weird) is that? I am wishing the newest baby all God's blessings. I hear she is super cute.

And then some useless information...
I am going green....I am thinking of recycling everything... clothes, books...even men!

M'je

Zermatt Opens for Business!

2010-07-04T12:59:00.009+01:00

We are open for business. Officially.

I promise I would blog more as I may become freerer over the next week. Another good news is, my car is on the road. I missed my baby dearly.

Over 50 guests came along to support us at Zermatt. Friends and Family from afar. Sales was crazy. We tasted 6 different wines from 6 regions (Germany, Argentina, Spain, Alscase, Austalian and Carlifornian). Old and New world wines as well as a selection of cheeses ( Extra old Cheddar, Smoked cheddar, Camembert and Some parmesan). Contrary to popular beliefs. Nigerians love cheese and white wine!... and lots of it. The event was supposed to last 2 hours but it went on for 4 hours and some people came late because of the match.

I feel in love with some georgous bloke at the event. He came with his friends.... he doesnt know I am crazy about him and I am about to stalk him for the next 2 weeks. I hardly know much about him... all I know is that he is a HOTT foreigner, he loves cheese and wine. Thats enough to get me scheming. *evil snicker*

Please follow Zermatt wines & Champagnes on Facebook to see the full pictures and please please I need referrals.

Love of love.

M'je

My priviledge!

2010-06-24T22:06:00.003+01:00

At 4:20am I disembarked from BA083 with over a 150 kilos of luggage... I knew I couldn't take all that stuff in a taxi even though I had taken a taxi to the airport on my way to the UK. I had called my best friend earlier to bring my car to the airport to pick me + luggage. About 100 kilos belonged to people who has sent me to help them get stuff. A normal taxi wouldn't have carried all that stuff.

At 5.20am I was done through security checks, headed towards my car, loaded the stuff and sat behind the driver's seat. It was the usual routine. Best friend picks me up from airport with my car, then I take the driving up from that point. I always find driving therapeutic. Anyway... I was going at the usual pace...we were chatting...it was misty....as we got to the motorway....my best friend screamed 'WATCH OUT' and I swerved/veered out of that lane immediately as I tried to dodge an álmost' stationary trailer and then the next thing I knew...I lost control, veered off the tarred road completely...and headed for a ditch...I don't know how it happened but I did not step on the brakes. It was me, the steering and my faith! The car stopped finally...tyres gone, part of the bumper gone... some electrical parts were dangling from the car...but we were all safe. No dent on the main body, not a crack on the windshield. Airbag in tact!

We were obviously shaken. It was still dark.... we tried to stop cars but no one would stop to help us. We waited until it was bright, while I called home for them to come get us. Anyway, long story short, some kind guy helped us change tyres before our people came...and i sat behind the wheel again and drove the cranky car home. ALL the way. I cried throughout yesterday when I realised the damage would cost me a bit of money...The car is almost new and the parts a bit pricey and my landlord just informed me he has upped my rent by 25% just this morning. I couldn't stop crying. I was depressed, my neck, chest and back hurt from the impact. Thank the good Lord for seat-belts.

I was watching telly today and a couple lost their only child. He tried to dodge a stationary vehicle but he lost control and it went bad... he didn't make it. So I say, I am privileged to be here today and I am eternally grateful to God. We, all 3 of us came out of the vehicle unharmed. Not a scratch. Its a big testimony and I am not taking it for granted. I feel so special and blessed. I don't know how long I will take cabs for but I am happy/lucky to be alive and well.

M'je

I remain Un-vowed until further notice!

2010-06-18T09:46:00.007+01:00

If you follow my blog you'd know I have been busy with the business and just recently started dating after what seemed like years.

So earlier this week I came to London to buy somethings for the shop as well as meet '007' my new crush (I deliberately left that out, he lives in London). Anyway yesterday he took me to the Lyceum Theatre to see Lion King and he got us front row tickets. Yeah pretty pricey, he knows how to woo a lady. Afterwards we walked trough Covent garden market, through the cobbled streets to a Belgian restaurant in some alleyway called Belgo. It was the perfect picture, romantic and quite interesting, the food was great and I even got to drink some mango beer. Quite delicious. But there was a problem. I mean the first time I went to see the Lion King in 2005, I was seated far from the stage on a first date with a certain bloke but I had a tremendous time.

The problem is I don't think he '007' is the one... even though I tried the body contact thing, still no spark.. and frankly at this point in my life, I DO NOT intend to waste my time (doing the whole dating/romancing charade and not get anywhere). Dating in itself is quite stressful, very stressful cos you have to fit someone into your time and after a while it ends. It doesn't always turn out well. I am sure you'd probably wonder why I thought I was infatuated. Well, I was but I am not anymore. I don't think he will make me break my un-vow. Maybe I am being paranoid, but I feel there is something fake about him and what he represents and my instincts tell me that I should run faster than speedy gonzales.... but then again he has thrown open an offer to see Carmen just before I leave next week. Never been to an Opera, the closest that comes close to it is Phantom of the Opera and that's not it really. I really want to see Carmen though. I really do.. *does that make me a bad person?*

I see myself going back to Nigeria without a bloody shag. Oh dear! Anyway, I am quite stressed out as I have over 100 kilos of work stuff and other people's stuff I have to take back to Nigeria and then again and the dating disappointment isn't helping matters. Now, I just want to go back home ;-( *Grin and bear babe, you have Carmen to look forward to*

I used to think I was desperate... but frankly, I just realized I am not. I am looking forward to going back to Nigeria. Back to my routine. Back to 'un-vowment'....until further notice!.

M'je

Catching up + Growing up!

2010-06-05T12:39:00.008+01:00

Hello blogsville,

Its been a little while and I have been mega busy. My Internet on the other hand has been acting up so its been a chore. Well.... so far, I think I am still infatuated with the guy....lets call him 007. Things are looking up. Planning a trip for work/pleasure soon to enable me spend time with 007 and get the appropriate things I need for the business, after that we will know if its for real or he is just another waka pass. I am so excited... like a kid in a candy store.

The opening of the shop was planned for the end of June but its been shifted a week further as a friend of mine lost her dad and he is meant to be buried on the day of the event (Wouldn't be nice to get sloshed in the name of wine tasting while your mate is grieving, would it?). I pat myself on the back as I am growing up and getting more considerate.

2 weekends ago I was invited to a theme birthday party and the Theme was Oscar glam. So I made an effort, removed the mop on my head and got new extensions, Wore a shift dress with gladiators heels. As I arrived the location with my friend (to my astonishment) there were actual paparazzi and red carpet. Abuja Style. I was stunned as I mumbled my way through the mini interview as the reporter asked me about my dress etc. Anyway I sat half dazed throughout the entire event and went home. Next weekend, My friend is calling me to check a certain newspaper as my picture was slapped amongst others on center page (as part of a leggings glam collection). The camera does add an extra 20 lbs or am I that fat?????!!!!! Anyway that was a certain kind of experience. Definitely. Just so you know, I have earned my celebrity status and bragging rights. You hear!!!!!

I was looking through Asos.com / Selfridges.com and I came across this lovely dress (see pic above) which I think might work well for the opening of the shop. I would like to cover my legs and breasts (most especially CELLULITE) up jare. Old age don dey come. I was thinking of wearing an African print. Ankara Which hasn't been made yet or just get a lovely Maxi dress from Asos or Oasis. What do you think? In short let me confess... I couldnt resist, I just purchased the dress online from Selfridges (as it was sold out on Asos). You only live once... if I dont wear it for the opening, I could wear it to the theatre with 007.....

So whats up in your timezone?

M'je

An Open letter to my CROCS!

2010-05-25T13:05:00.007+01:00

Dear Crocs,

I hope this letter meets you well? So lets cut to the chase. Its been 4 years since you came into my life and I must say I have never really appreciated you. You've been with me through thick and thin...through the winter and the summers and you've been with to many countries as well. You remember when we swam in Croatia? Oh yes..you and I making a monkey of ourselves in the Adriatic ocean. Do you also remember when we climbed the Matterhorn in Switzerland. Yes you protected my dainty feet from the cold (I don't know how you do it). I remember how you (just you and I) started the journey for the wine shop... looking for the shop, till we found the shop, going to bring the supplies, running around in the sites. it was you who was with me when I was jumping in and out of trucks to take stock of my inventory...all sticky and sweaty. You held your own weight. Only you. I became mightily obsessed with you.

Like yesterday I remember the beautiful summer of 2006 in London when you first came into my life. People received you with mixed feelings. But I knew you would go far. I couldn't bear to get another as I knew you were special. You still are. You always will be. You've witnessed the breakups, the tears, the joys, the successes and the laughter. You've also witnessed the infatuations, the betrayals and the asswipes and you've never criticised me. Not once, not ever.

The other day I came home and discovered you were out of place, you just didn't fit in anymore. Not with the platforms, stilletoes or my killer wedges or even the gladiator flats... So with deep regret I have decided to let you go.... you see this is the end of the road for us. *sniff* Times have changed and I have to move on. I will always remember you. We had so many beautiful memories together. Honestly and for that I respect you... you see, a time comes in a humans life where they evolve and move on. I have taken a lot of slack for you. People ask me what I am doing with you and yada yada yada... they criticise your looks and all that you represent but they do not know better. I hope you do not take this the wrong way. I am letting you go, to find your path.

Yours truly

Mamuje

Update + New baby!

2010-05-21T15:57:00.004+01:00

First of all I am a bit relieved that I have gone far with my business project- my new baby. I am currently typing from my new office/desk/chair/even a new laptop. Yay. But I am dog tired. I finally hired a young boy to help me around the shop/run errands and take stock. I have been taking stock as well as stacking the wines on the shelves and also recording the bar codes manually.....and all that JAZZ. God is good, progress is being made and I am thankful. I am a partner at a wine shop! I am finally an entrepreneur! Waoh.... Someone walked into the shop and asked me how I felt and I replied "I feel like a mother hen who is protective of her chick?" I am planning a formal opening and wine tasting event in a few weeks. A small intimate gathering of my family and friends. Who else is better to share the occasion with?

Secondly, I went on a date for the first time in twenty years yesterday....OK, maybe not 20 but it felt like that. And for the life of me, I didn't want to be there. I am just chasing a contract o ...see me see wahala. I tried to hide my face in case anyone I knew saw me out and about town with a swagger-less brotha. He took me for dinner (ehen? I was hungry na) and a movie.... and made an effort to touch me at every given oppourtunity . When he finally dropped me off at home he invited himself in for a nightcap. Sheer impudence! I didnt give him any nightcap. My coffee/dessert wine is for me alone. I was so relieved to see his back outta the door! Phew!

Thirdly, I am deeply infatuated with someone *blushing*.... I have only known him for about 2 weeks but the interaction with him is keeping me sane. He is funny and makes me laugh out loud. That's the most I am gonna say about this topic before its jinxed! I am hoping he makes me finally break my un-vow of celibacy. Oh yes... I am hopeful. Who knows, maybe that's why every Tom Dick and Harry look like a potential zipless puck! Or maybe it might just fizzle out, but while its happening I am basking in the moment!

Yours Truly

M'je

Un-vow// A vow of celibacy taken without your own violation! Otherwise known as congeal!

Scents of the Past!

2010-05-13T11:31:00.013+01:00

I have always been fascinated by Scents. For me it signifies the start of a new era. Using fragrances determine my mode/mood. Sometimes I might douse myself in parfum that I don’t really like because it’s a vehicle to my past. Apparently the sense of smell has the strongest ties to the memory. So whenever I use a certain scent I have used or perceived before, it makes me feel a certain way. A way that I am familiar with – Good or bad. I got this inspiration from bangs & a bun.

For instance I got an organza perfume as a gift when I dropped a bad habit, so whenever I smell it I just remember when it is I am doing wrong or right. I used Michael Kors throughout 2003 and for me, it’s a deeper meaning that most scents. It’s also a good one at that cos it represents love and passion. I can’t forget the spring/summer of 2004 in Thamesmead where I literarily immersed myself daily in Lancome's Miracle So Magic and Burberry weekend. I loved those perfumes. Kai. I always almost have a Burberry weekend on my dressing table.

The other day a male friend was wearing a cologne that my favorite ex used to wear…I started looking at him in a I-could-savagely-rape-you-right-now kind of way *sigh*. Every time I smell Safari cologne I smile as I think of my brother. Or when I think of Ultraviolet I smile as it STILL represents a special someone in my life and because I gifted it too. As much as I love the cologne Friends by Moschino, I am still indifferent when I smell it now. Chanel Chance represents Freedom and independence for me and most of all my trip to France by a ferry from Dover. I may never wear Black Orchid by Tom Ford again. It brings back bad memories for me. I associate it with betrayal, gloom and tears.

For me there is a pungent choked smell that reminds me of Lagos... a standoffish smell that makes me feel 'Welcome to London' when I disembark in Heathrow. A dodgy scent that graced my nostrils when I landed in Sharm el Sheik. For me, every place, region has its distinctive smell. Whether pleasant or pungent!

I can’t sit beside a child eating cerelac without being transported to the 80s when I couldn’t get enough of them. Or the smell of hot akara and Ghana bread just makes me feel alive..I think about those mornings in lagos boarding school. The smell of Lucozade or iodine brings back memories of when I was a sickly child and always in hospital for malaria. The best is sitting in front of a steaming plate of moin-moin or hot jollof rice that had been cooked atop firewood and a cast iron pot and I think of my childhood. Its like magic. I believe some people can almost attest to this. Most of all…I love the smell of earth just after it has rained. It reminds me of when my sister and I used to eat sand. WE WERE KIDS FOR CHRIST'S SAKES. Do scents & smells represent something in your life? Does it jolt you into the past? Do they trigger good or bad memories? Please share. Would be interesting to know your take on this.

M’je

Dude, where the f*** is my rock?

2010-05-02T21:16:00.010+01:00

It was Autumn in Zurich and I was visiting my boyfriend who was working there at the time. and we were meant to get away for the weekend. He said he had a surprise for me. I didn't know what to expect as I anticipated with bated breath. We got on a train on the 3 hour journey to my weekend surprise. We connected through Bern and finally arrived in a small touristy village called Zermatt. Very picturesque. Beautiful. We found a cosy bar to grab a beer before we figured what next to do. Half way through beer my lover handed me one of his mobiles and said he was gonna go get us a traditional Swiss chalet and would be back in a jiffy. This would be fun. I thought. Now, the lover in question is nowhere near romantic. He never was and probably would never be. And boy, when a man hands over his phone...a mobile without a password. Ladies take a minute and imagine your boyfriend tells you to hang on to his mobile without padlock or codes the chances are (a) he is demented (b) up to something dodgy or (c) madly in love with you and trusts you with his phone. I chose to go with (c). He was back 30 minutes later. And I am not gonna tell you what went on with his mobile phone and I. I refuse to admit that I checked his sent messages or received messages or outbox or drafts *Folds arms in defiance*

He came back with a taxi that ferried us up the mountain to our Cabin/Chalet. It was beautiful. I noticed our chalet had a sauna (heaven). Our Victorian type bedroom was all white and warm inside. Then the surprise came. He told me to close my eyes. I obliged. Then he opened the doors to the balcony to reveal the most breathtaking view I had ever seen in my life. A snow capped mountain. The Matterhorn Pic Above. Right bang in front of my room. The same mountain on the logo of toblerone chocolate. I almost fainted. My eyes brimmed with tears. He goes 'do you like it?' and I go....'o....of...course I love it....I really love it'....then he hugged me tight and we began mouth to mouth resuscitation..The mood was set, then I felt my temperature rising, my palms sweaty, my pulse racing faster.... a lump in my throat as I waited for the question that was to follow.....I knew what my answer would be.... I closed my eyes but he replied with silence. I was waiting for the question. The only plausible explanation for this grand romantic gesture was that there was a square cut rock nesting in his breast pocket and he was gonna get on one semi-wrinkled knee and ask me to be his 'Mrs'. Or maybe the ring was gonna be resting at the bottom of the cheese fondue we were gonna share at dinner time. Or resting at the bottom of a cocktail glass.... and I was hoping to scream a resounding 'YES'.....but NADA happened. That was how my dreams of turning from Fraulein to Frau in Switzerland was shattered. Kai... I cant remember if I shagged him that night. I probably slept half way through the shag. I was pissed. I called Miss A in Nigeria who assured me that my ring was somewhere and I was gonna bring it back home. 'He couldn't make all those plans and not seal it with a rock'. She said.

I came back home still a Fraulein. This was a bank holiday weekend a couple of years ago. Now I wish i pushed him down that mountain when I had the chance :-D

Hope you are having a lovely bank holiday weekend people.

M'je

This little wizzard of mine.

2010-04-27T20:44:00.004+01:00

I just got this little Kenwood Wizzard blender. To blitz everything up...from purees to soups, to mince and I can even get those perfect egg whites done for that souffle. I got the little wizzard to cheer myself up. I was disappointed by a human being yesterday. I was so sure and so expectant and didn't think it would go awry or I'd be disappointed by family and people I'd known almost all my life. They led me on for 3 months when they knew they had no plans to give me the business. I was so disappointed I just couldn't function so I spent the entire day weeping in my bedroom (shut myself from the world) for a good 6 hours. I had a good-long-heart-wrenching cry. In my head I had already spent the money on that Nikon, India Trip,and that WSET course (wailing uncontrollably)..... Then my backup plan went kaput as well. Bummer! Anyway I woke up a better person this morning. Peeled myself off the bed and faced the challenges of the new day. On a positive note, the shop is taking shape. I will post pictures up soon.

I learnt one vital lesson in all of this. I would never give people the benefit of the doubt..even family. I make no apologies for it. At least in all of this I got a new kitchen toy and I am excited to use it. I can just imagine blitzing those traitors SPLEEN. *evil snicker* Well...it makes me feel better thinking abourrit. How has your week been? I believe the better part of MY week is yet to come o. The devil cannot steal my joy. lai lai. Bless y'all.

M'je

In a HUGE nutshell

2010-04-19T19:05:00.008+01:00

When I woke up on Friday the 16^th of April 2010 I had the day planned in advance. First of all I was to go to my shop site and slap the foreman with a wet fish or better still shake my index finger furiously at him while cussing at him for stalling work on the warehouse site. Anyway it was not to be so. I got a text that morning that my favorite sister in Kano had lost one of her sons. My nephew passed away the night before, he was turning 8 in August. He had been ill. Immediately, I knew my plans had changed. I was contemplating going by road or flying to Kano to be by her side. I opted for flying. Without knowing this was going to be one of the most memorable weekends (for all the WRONG reasons) of my life. I got to the airport just after 4pm for my 5pm flight. We were kept waiting for 5 hours at the airport. I landed in Kano at 10pm just in time to give my big sis a big hug.

I watched the mourners as they trooped in and out of my sister’s bedroom all weekend. I learnt a few things about the Northerners or staunch Muslims as I like to call them. (I forgot to add that I come from a staunch Muslim family and my sister followed that route. I did not).

1. As a woman, you don’t have a religion until you get married. Then you follow your husband’s religion. Absolute bollocks!

2. You should cover up your hair. If you are married another man shouldn’t see your hair.

3. Sitting on the bare floor is a way of life. I admire the simplicity of the Northerners.

4. I met an educated woman under 40 with 11 children. She was gunning for the 12^th. I mean how the hell do you manage that.?

5. The Northerners have a horrible sweet tooth.

6. If you think it’s hot anywhere else in Nigeria. Try Kano.

7. Death is seen as an act of Allah, therefore I didn’t see anyone cry. Not even my sister.

8. I slept about 30 hours and ate about 12000 calories over the ‘mournful’ weekend.

9. If you see where/how they make your beloved KILISHI, you’d never eat kilishi in your life again.

10. Too many Achabas (motorcycles) in Kano. At best, its 7 per pedestrian. Yuck!

I tried to take pictures but only got the picture of a donkey from my bedroom window. Dont ask (and it wont even upload well cos of my yeye internet connection. Can you see it properly?). In a HUGE nutshell, that was my weekend. I trust yours was much, much better than mine.

M’je

Prostitute of the mind.

2010-04-15T09:31:00.006+01:00

It’s a term I got from one of Haruki Murakami’s books that describes the constant jabbing of my mind. Lately, due to intense stress (albeit good stress) I have experienced an aimless wandering of my mind. In fact I think aimlessly it’s begun to worry me, i think its more to the fact that I barely get any sleep these days. I barely slept a wink last night. In the middle of a vapid conversation I just conjure one of my many thoughts and pose a random question or thought- and everyone present gives me the raised eyebrow look like what cheap drugs are you on this time?. I believe I am not alone in this, I got this inspiration from Afrobabe (I hope this is duly noted). For instance there are a few questions that have been tugging my arteries for a bit now.

For instance I wonder if vegans give blow-jobs. I mean its meat right? Does Johnny Bravo have a huge wiener? Has anyone tried to picture Bill Cinton’s face when Monica went down on him in the Oval Office or wherever it was? I have done that over and over in my mind and it still doesn’t feel right more to the fact cos I like Bill. I have watched animals mate over and over again (and I know Pigs are the only animals who shag solely for the fun of it) but do they have orgasms? I could swear I saw a chicken orgasm when I was a kid….but then again, I do not know if what I saw was vivid. It might have been dying for all I know. I also sometimes wonder if and when people are given a second chance, does it mean they have the freedom to waste the first chance? I am so weird I try to imagine how my kids would look like with each ex boyfriend.

Lastly, I wish that for one day of the week. Only one day of a week, maybe Thursday..like today. I wish I could legally shoot or run over stupid people. E.g a Nigerian policeman or a past politician of Nigeria. It’s just a thought. I am yet to act on it. Oops. I feel completely drained. I feel the best part of me is a lot like the sludge at the bottom of a hot chocolate drink. *sigh* I need to get my thoughts in order. My thoughts just wander about. Its worrying. Believe me, I am more worried than you are.... I believe this phase will wash over me. Enjoy your weekend folks.

M’je

Swim Afloat!

2010-04-08T09:42:00.004+01:00

On holiday in Greece 3 years ago. Me and one of my best friends walked into a herbal shop on the long strip in Hersonissos. We met the co-owner of the store who didn’t look a day over 30. She was very stunning and after exchanging pleasantries we found out she was in fact way above menopause. She attributed her youthful looks to a lifelong use of herbs. Anyway the next thing that came out of her mouth (out of the blue) almost crippled me with shock. ‘Learn how to swim’ she said to me.

I didn’t know what to say….’How do you know I can’t swim?’ I retorted

My puzzled friend gave me the look and shot back at her ‘How did she….?’

‘You know what I mean and the context in which I mean it’ She continued ‘Know how to keep your head above water…no one will do it for you….I have experience young lady and I can read you like a book….’

I immediately knew what she was talking about. I kept looking at the psychic woman with a coy smile standing in front of me. While still on holiday my 5 year relationship came to an abrupt demise. It just had to end. Shortly after I started making arrangements to relocate to Nigeria. All because of the psychic woman. At that time I was neck deep into clairvoyance.

Fast- forward 3 years later. I was sitting on my bed on a Saturday morning replaying the message to my mate. We talked about getting fit. Taking up swimming etc. I confessed about my ~~fear~~ inability to swim even though I have attempted it for over 10 years. Every time I take swimming lessons, I punt after a few sessions. I find the whole flapping of arms under water quite laborious. Somehow, It translated to my present life. I believe the reason I can’t swim is because I have a problem trusting the water to keep me safe. The fear of death. Two of my greatest fears are the fear of DROWNING & FAILURE. I know I have to let go to stay afloat but I just cannot. (It’s been a long time coming and its deeply personal). I realized I may have left the UK, left the relationship but still haven’t let go of the entire burden AND I am still struggling to stay afloat. So my newest task is to learn how to swim (in actual waters and in other areas of my life) and face my fears. I believe activities like driving, swimming and running very much define our daily lives/inner being and how we triumph above adversity. When I started driving I felt it was an impossible feat…until I mastered it (not without running a couple of people over though :-D). My friend and I are gonna take swimming lessons 3 times a week. She has offered to teach me too. I believe if I can manage this physical activity then emotionally/spiritually/every-ally would be easy peasy. Wish me luck as I subconsciously…Let go…let go…let go….let go….let go….

M’je

I have arrived!!!

2010-04-05T08:02:00.008+01:00

It was 5:46am and I was crouched in a fetal position on one of the long chairs at the Nnamdi Azikiwe international airport battling sleep and watching (from the corner of my eye) and observing passengers who have just disembarked from BA082, as they shuffled through arrivals. I couldn't for the life of me find my mother. As usual, I expected her to be the last to come through. It was her way. Anyway, one common trend I noticed among passengers was how gaily dressed and beautiful they looked especially the female passengers. I have ploughed the same route a million times and never for once do I remember looking anything short of disheveled when my plane touched down. The plane lands at 5 am for Chrisses sake? When do you have the time to beautify yourself with MAC lipgloss and pancake? And you have a 110% chance of going straight to bed once you reach home or at least having a shower before you get to work/meeting/wherever.

Another observation was the subtle pompousness that hovered around some passengers….as if to say ‘Look at me, I have arrived’. There is a sense of temerity that comes off these people. And the first thing that comes to mind is, this is a first time traveler or the ONLY person that had gone abroad in their family. (For all you may know, they may be coming from Syria and still feel pompous). The one that makes me smile is when the person starts talking in a foreign accent already. The person who shops the least comes back to Nigeria with at least 70kg and by any standard, that is a lot. I hardly ever shop when I go on proper holidays, except of course the usual souvenir and crap. I think it defeats the purpose of a holiday…instead of enjoying yourself, you shop. SMH.

For some people in Nigeria the gauge for your success is your ability to jet in and out of Nigeria to shop. But then again, I cant blame them, can I? The cheapest ticket for an international flight (Not flights within Africa) cost at least $1000 dollars. I mean in a third world country, if you can drop that every couple of months to go shopping then ~~really and truly~~ you have arrived.

Finally, I saw (what looked like) my mum, looking as if she owned the universe, looking prim and proper, STILL in her winter gear, sauntering through arrivals with at least a hundred and fifty kilos worth of ~~rubbish~~ luggage. I don’t know which I did first but I hung my head in embarrassment AND I turned beetroot!!!

Ooopps....I have been yakking on and totally forgot......Happy Easter my beautiful blogsville people.

M'je